I find myself [...] trying to force myself to ascribe to something I do not believe, the idea that submitting to the need to work on whatever my employer's terms are will empower me to make a difference, rather than making me a supportive cog in a system I despise and disempowering me by giving me something I must fear to lose...--- 28 September, 2012
I must find some way at least for the two not to be in open conflict, or I shall tear myself apart...
--- 6 September, 2012
It seems like I end up finding an awesome cool thing that I want to try to do, and then forget until I'm right in the middle of it that I can't do anything right, and then I panic.--- 22 October, 2012
Job search? When?
I think I have found an answer.
The plan is brilliant... because... I cannot tell you.
Allow me to expand.
I went for a long walk on November 13, now four days ago, taking time to myself to think many things through, let my mind free-wheel and fantasize about wonderful and romantic ideas. I found myself alighting upon a brilliant and beautiful idea, and fleshing it out until it became a plan and I had enough of an idea how it would all work that I could write it all down. I sat on the corner of some random stranger's driveway, cross-legged, to do so. I wrote down details until I was confident that even if I somehow forgot all about it, in three years I could read it again and not be missing anything I needed to know in order to implement the plan.
I built a second inspiration around the first - I know it is a very strong weakness for people like me to come up with a brilliant idea but never enact it, and I know that it is a typical failing even for people who aren't that much like me to gush about a great idea to their friends and have that gushing effectively lead to its downfall, because either they believe it can be done, and praise you for the brilliant idea, which provides immediate gratification before you actually act, thus weakening your motivation to get around to it... or they point out problems and disadvantages that, intentionally or not, discourage you enough that you talk yourself out of trying.
After writing down my plan, I tri-folded it, tri-folded another blank page around it and stuck it in a security envelope. On the envelope I wrote these three things:
*My Secret Plan
*Not to be opened before November 15, 2015
*If you tell anyone before it happens - It won't. Remember that.
The idea is too beautiful to me to sabotage in such a way.
I am confident that I am capable of accomplishing it, if I can keep my focus and my motivation.
Here's the crux: I absolutely hate to keep secrets. If I have a good idea, I want everyone to know about it.
So I'd better accomplish it, so that I can tell people what it was without putting its success in jeopardy.
It will require funding.
I now have a motivation that stands a chance at being lasting, by continually reminding me that I do have a plan, that this caterpillar is already designing its wings... with the burning power of a beautiful secret I must not tell anyone anything at all about (exceptions beget exceptions).
I now have a reason to get and hold a job. I have an End so good I should be able to use it to justify even Means so despicable as working at Walmart for three years and striving to do a good job making money for a mega-corp I would love to see fall within my lifetime.
I gained a new perspective and am making use of it... I'm using my own nature to my advantage, in a way that will both torture and delight me... that will protect me from both criticism and complacency - if it works.
I hope it does.
I would like to extend an open invitation to absolutely anyone who reads this blog post, to come back a year or more after its posting date, and if you can remember to come back on or around November 15, 2015, that would be ideal... and ask me in the comments section if I've made any progress yet.
I would like to extend an open invitation to absolutely anyone who reads this blog post, to come back a year or more after its posting date, and if you can remember to come back on or around November 15, 2015, that would be ideal... and ask me in the comments section if I've made any progress yet.
