Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts

Sunday, June 6, 2021

Take It With You

I have no patience for hollow compliments.

If I am worth listening to, listen, even when what I say is hard to hear.

If I am a great philosopher, embrace my ways - use them.

If I am a cunning pathfinder, walk with me through hidden and treacherous ways.

If I am a good cook, then come by my table and eat of my food.

 

If you would give me kind and complimentary words, and then walk away from me unchanged, taking nothing with you...

Then please, spare me.

Spare me the awkward obligation to pretend gratitude and praise you for your shallow, meaningless roleplaying as somebody who gives a fuck.


Oh, and if this leaves you full of awkward silences you don't know what to do with... I have something for you. Forsaking hollow signalling does not mean you must be left without any tricks.

Here is a sentence of great arcane power. It can be pronounced many different ways, to transform an awkward silence into a meaningful one and give you more time to think. It is almost always true when you need it, and it is almost never impolite:

"I don't know what to say."

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Unsupportive

This has not been a good day for me so far. I stayed up last night playing The Sims again. I'm kind of worried that I'm not sick of it yet. I have a lot of other things to do, but it remains compelling and distracting.

I was so tired that I slept through my first class. Now I almost wish I had missed my second one as well, because I got so angry. The first tax quiz was exceptionally low-scoring, and a bunch of my classmates were concerned about it, as was I. I felt I had not made the same mistake I did last term, when I also scored low on my first tax quiz. I had checked the slides over, and the textbook, on almost every question. One of my classmates told me he had been sure he should have gotten 100% after studying hard for it, but only got 70%.

This in itself is not such a big deal, although it may feel like one at the time, and a quiz is worth 5% of our final mark in this course. The professor's response in class can make all the difference, and here it definitely did. She went through the questions, quick-firing off references to what specific paragraph the answer was supposedly in for each one, leaving no time for analysis of what the paragraph or the question actually said, and ending by cheerfully telling us we need to read the book.

I spoke up one last time saying I didn't have time to follow her through this supposed explanation and still thought some of the questions were wrong, and was told it didn't matter, she was giving the important point of reading the textbook and that it was all there. I did not speak up for the rest of the class. I quietly did the exercises, and thanked the student next to me for sharing his textbook, but despite having questions to ask and answers to give, and despite the professor's probing comments that the class was quiet today, or that everyone was 'asleep', I stayed quiet and barely even made eye contact. I was fuming, and no longer willing to speak to her.

I have sent an email to my tax professor from last term to ask if there is still room for another student in his classes. I may request to transfer over. I had some concerns and complaints and found some things difficult in his class too, but I don't think he ever insulted us like that. I'm not going to make that choice now. My head is not cool enough for important decisions, and anyway I have other things I need to do.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

The Ayn Rand Effect?

I wonder if there is a scientific name for this effect:
That in any situation in which a system is put in place to help a group of people who are presumed to need it, some people who do not "need it" will seek to take advantage of the assistance anyway, and some will succeed. Then, a large third party will equate every single person who utilizes the help to be cheating the system by taking its assistance on false pretenses, creating a social and political situation with loud, vocal deriders claiming that these people are (all) leeches who could get by fine on their own, and any and all users of the systems become stigmatized. It happens with welfare, it happens with food banks, it happens with the LGBT community and supports therein, it happens with trans people and feminists and ethnic minorities; any group of any kind that is partially or wholly disadvantaged in some way, and which people seek to help out of that disadvantage by giving them focused support.
The stigma generally does not start because they are given help, but is deepened or shaped by it.
I wonder what that would be called? Perhaps the Ayn Rand Effect?

Thinking on this got me taking a second look at her philosophies. Some of it's quite sensible if I look at it to understand, rather than outright seeking conflict. I think I can see precisely what she's talking about and warrant her her insight on it, and then see exactly where she makes an oversimplification and calls something an absolute that isn't.
For instance the assertion that sex is "not possible in self-abasement". I read what she's describing about sex, and I know what she's talking about. To see in one's partner's surrender the glorification of one's identity... Suggesting then that I love and desire another person because they, as I understand them, are a complement to my own self-image; because taking them (and them in particular) as mine to please and please myself upon glorifies what I am. I don't actually have any objection to that; she's right, it does. But she stumbles, I think, it defining that as "Sex". It is Ideal and Idealized Sex, as she sees it, and I do not disagree, but it's only one subset of the many possible acts called sex. Sex IS possible in self-abasement. She talks about that as well, and in so doing contradicts herself; but only because she has stooped to making a battle cry of an oversimplified absolute statement and an emotional trope, because one cannot easily make battle cries of the complicated, grey-shaded and fiddly truth. Amusingly, if I am reading this right, that act is against her own philosophy, but nevertheless a mistake she is frequently prone to.

That and a tendency to really overblown patriotism, and perhaps a blindness to downsides of decisions and ideals that she cares for strongly. Common problem, that. Significantly worse problem for a philosopher than a member of the general populace to have. More damaging there. Ah, but of course she speaks of her vision of Idealized America, just as she speaks of Idealized sex. Its victories, without its failures, as though those could be separated and held in different histories. Disregarding the times, and the frequency of the times, that it has failed to live up to its own ostensible vision, and to uphold its own ostensible values. Or indeed, the places where its apparent victories were attributed to glorious virtue, but were as much the result of, for instance, oppression and literal slavery.

Ha. I feel like doing a bit of my own political-sounding speechifying, so I will:
"I disagree with her. Altruism and selfishness, for all that they seem often to pull in opposite directions, are not enemies and are not mutually incompatible any more than the expansion and the contraction of a person's beating heart are enemies and mutually incompatible. They can be balanced. Indeed, they must be balanced, or the individual quickly collapses and dies.
I believe that it IS possible to construct a society in which there is a bottom absolute limit, a floor, to how far a person's wealth and quality of life is allowed to fall, but with no corresponding absolute limit to how high it may rise; if only it were to be agreed that this state is desirable, and to then construct it with this goal in mind.
I believe that giving to others and keeping for oneself are both forces that belong in every life, are both sources of happiness and joy, and that they complement one another as such. To find a healthy balance between them is one of the necessary steps to create a happy and purposeful life, without resentment or hate or shame."
What brought all this on?
Well, the study of and comments on Ayn Rand were of course off of the thought that her name and reputation might fit the effect I was describing, and the thoughts on that effect are a repetition of something I find myself mulling over from time to time. In this case, it was all prompted, somewhat indirectly, by a SciShow video on the Taboos of Science. In the comments, biological and formative differences between different ethnicities and sexes was a (fairly obvious) subject discussed as a taboo of science, as it has become faux pas to admit or suggest that there are meaningful and significant differences there due to some irritating exaggerations associated with the equality movements.

There was also mention of the classification of gender dysphoria as a disease, which got me thinking about the way some people question the existence or legitimacy of trans people and also sufferers of things like Aspergers and Bipolar Disorder, and on from there to an old recurring series of thoughts on how youth who are acting destructively or poorly are frequently dismissed as "just seeking attention," as though seeking attention when one is lonely, hurt, or confused and facing something they don't know how to solve is inherently wrong and shameful, which is obvious bullshit. While acting out destructively is not an acceptable means to it (albeit sometimes true that suffering people do not know how to ask directly), seeking attention should not be seen as a wrong. The "just seeking attention" tends to imply lying and making up ailments or exaggerating them in order to get the attention that may actually BE needed.

Admittedly this actually does happen a fair bit because lesser problems or less severe cases of problems are often dismissed, mocked or ignored, making exaggeration sometimes (tragically and socially destructively) necessary to get help of any kind. And then those who do truly suffer from the ailments most often used as excuses suffer further from stigmatization and an impression that their ailment does not exist because the false complainers reflect badly on them. That's an example of the broad effect I was talking about, which I think also holds true in this broader sense.
That's what brought this on.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Pubic Hair

written on August 7th, 2014
& inspired by Ani DiFranco

When I'm in the bathroom
I have a way of wiping myself
that has a habit of plucking out pubic hairs on
just one side of my groin
And I could probably learn to change it
if I could see what I was doing
but for now I guess I'll live with it;
It's not important,
It's just annoying.


When something is pulled away
Oh time will ease the pain
When something is pulled away
Oh time will ease the pain


Ain't it funny how the little things
in life just get passed by
like the hangnails you pull off sometimes
and the crusty stuff that gets in your eye
There are some things we don't talk about
Things we would rather not discuss
And the silence just fades into the background
-until somebody has to die
!

Then suddenly all of the silence
comes crashing down around your ears
and you can scream and wail all you want to but
Nobody wants to hear
There are some things you don't mention
except alone and in quiet prayer
While lives get plucked from the human race like
Just so many pubic hairs


And every time we do not speak
We fill our world with silence
And every time we turn away
We fill our world with silence
And every thing we don't discuss
We fill our world with silence
And the silence will cover our graves


So when I'm in a dark room
I have a way of crying to myself
that has a habit of making the skin
around my eyes feel raw and burned
And I think we could learn to change this
If we could see enough to care
I just hope to god we learn
that some things are more important
than a hair


When something is pulled away,
(Every time we do not speak)
Oh time will ease the pain
(We fill our world with silence)
When something is pulled away,
(Every time we turn away)
Oh time will ease the pain
(We fill our world with silence)
When something is pulled away
(Every thing we don't discuss)
Oh time will ease the pain
(We fill our world with silence)
And the silence will cover our graves


And suddenly all of the silence
comes crashing down around your ears
and you can scream and wail all you want to but
Nobody wants to hear you 'cuz
There are some things you don't question,
except alone and in quiet prayer
while screams are brushed aside
like so many stray pubes on our underwear


Ain't it funny how the little things
in life just get passed by
like the hangnails I pull off sometimes and the
rash that crying leaves 'round my eyes
There are some things we don't talk about
Things we'd all rather not discuss
No matter how much or how little
they quietly affect all of us
And the silence just fades into the background
along with the best of us


When something is pulled away
Ah time will ease the pain
When something is pulled away
Ah time will ease the pain

~~~P.S: My own thoughts on presentation...

The parts in purple should be sung or spoken more quietly, more like a whisper,
and ideally blend into a sort of musical break between the sections in black.

Would like to have guest backup voice/s for
"We fill our world with silence" and possibly for all of the parts in purple,
while still singing/speaking solo the parts in black. Or white, as it generally appears on my blog.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

A Season of Carols

Time is passing, passing along...

Work has become more and more habitual and easy. I go about my duties with unhurried calm most of the time, and feel competent and a little as though I am in a trance. The snow drifting outside the windows on snowy days, and serene or gently moody Christmas carols can be hypnotizing. It seems like we always have far more to do than we can realistically get done, but I am coming to understand that this is the way the store is meant to be run. Perfection is not expected, just a continuing effort to improve the worst problems, tidy the worst messes, and keep things running.

Customers ask me if I am working hard, and sometimes I am so relaxed I wonder if they are perhaps being sarcastic, but I am careful not to fall idle, and always be doing something useful to the store.

About a week ago, I decided to take up a piece of digital artwork I had promised a friend a year or so before, and ended up surprising myself by working for seven hours, and finishing it. I opened up artwork commissions on ChickenSmoothie again, which is basically an art trading site, but most of that art trading is in the form of official site collectable pets. It's not "professional", since it's not actually money, but it is reassuring to know that there are people who will trade me something that has value to them, and to the community we are participating in, in exchange for the quality of artwork I produce.

Doing art seems to make me happier, and the commissions help me focus and finish.

Unfortunately, my computer at home has encountered a somewhat serious problem, and is now not starting up Windows at all, not even in Safe Mode. It seems to be getting stuck on a file called SPTD.sys. I've had a lot of problems with corrupt files and cyclical reduncancy checks recently, and I knew my computer was deteriorating, so I'm not surprised. I've been wanting to replace it for a while now, but I have been spending my money on other things: repaying an old debt to a friend, housewares and winter garments, games, Christmas presents... I'll have to get a cheap replacement as soon as is reasonably convenient. Hopefully within the month. I'm not sure what I'll spend my time doing at home without one. For now, I'm staying with  my boyfriend again. Being alone without computer and internet access is lonely and boring. Being with my boyfriend is neither, and thus greatly preferable.

I still wonder where I'm going and how I will progress. I am feeling more and more confident in my present role. I even managed to get some resolution and a greater feeling of respect and appreciation after a mild confrontation with a co-worker with whom I was having some conflict.

I wonder sometimes if I am getting too comfortable, and a bit lax. Perhaps I should ask my co-workers and managers what they think. I wonder sometimes if I am becoming more sheltered and recluse, or complacent about the world and my ideals... I'm not sure who to talk to or what to do about that. It doesn't concern me all that much, though. I have time to bide and wait, and find something.

Oh. Also, I noticed something. Both at work and in my life surrounding it, I notice that I tend to get bored and despondent if things get too easy. The first big snowfall of the season, I walked to work and then to my boyfriend's house along the side of the road because the unshoveled sidewalks were knee-deep in snow... And I was elated by the challenge, the opportunity to get there anyway, do something -interesting-. I notice that I need a certain amount of adversity in my life, or I get bored and start to feel worthless and uninterested. My boyfriend thinks that is probably a sign of adaptation to a life that has been too hard. Perhaps. It is a useful revelation, though. Perhaps I can remember to make use of it, if I start to feel that boredom.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Left Forgotten

Wow. Yeah. I really did completely miss October of this year.

Well, there goes my streak of updating this thing at least once every calendar month, huh? Ah, well. I'll start again. Everyone makes mistakes.

You know, I had been meaning to come back and talk to you unseen eyes for a while now, but it always just seemed like I didn't have a good stopping point. Everything was up in the air, and reporting on my current status would give no closure, because I didn't have much. It's silly, in retrospect. I think some of my best writing on this blog has been from when I've been uncertain about the future.

So. October. I spent most of September desperately trying to find a place to move into for October. It didn't work. Me and Robby were turned down everywhere we applied, for various reasons. We suspected that the reasons were largely due to us being a couple, and therefore perceived as less financially stable than a single person with high earnings. So, he asked his current landlord for permission to stay where he was already, and continue to pay rent month by month for now, and I started looking for a place where I might be able to do the same thing. That way, once he was working again and had passed his three month probation, having been fired early September at the end of his last one (likely part of the reason for our rejections), we could look for a place to rent together with little to no time pressure, and wait to find a good place that would accept us, then move out of our flexible month to month situations only once we had found one.

I asked my roommate to let me stay at the apartment for the month of October even though my term on the lease was over, and offered to pay him the same amount in rent that I had been contributing when it was just us two... Despite the fact that his new girlfriend was now living there, too. He accepted, and I resumed the search for a place, but to move into for November. With the help of his girlfriend's mom, I found the place I am sitting in now. A bedroom in the fairly posh basement of a nice couple's house. I have my own bedroom across an open living room that the landlord sometimes walks through to use the laundry facilities down here. I share the upstairs kitchen. It's quite nice and very affordable, but I need to ask permission to have folks over. I've had Robby over to visit twice, under the restriction that he needs to leave by 11 PM.

My position at Goodwill continues to gradually accrue age and experience. I've been working there I think six months now, and I feel generally quite competent at almost every part of my job... The big exception being confrontation with difficult customers and thieves. While my social anxiety has not been crippling me nearly as badly now that I have the confidence of a job in which my work is appreciated and I've passed my probation, and a house that shows no sign, thank goodness, of being infested with blood-sucking bed bugs (I must have done a fairly good job of getting them out of all my things when I moved), but still, being faced with a particularly difficult or conflict-ridden social situation paralyzes me. Thankfully, my workmates are generally understanding, and can accept that it's not something I'm good at, so take the burden off me somewhat.

Though I am usually fairly happy at work, and my new place is safe, much more comfortable, and very convenient, I grow restless. I had feared, before finding employment, that if I was employed, I might become complacent with my passionate socialist ideals among other things... And to a degree, that's proven valid. My perspective is very different now that I'm making money and am not just on welfare. However, when I think about what I believe should be, much of it is still the same. I still think that welfare would work better, and people would be better off, if basic essentials were available without cost. Now, though, I look at a different set of advantages to the thought. It would be harder to defraud or take advantage of the welfare system, as well, if it offered you goods, shelter and services directly, rather than through money allowances. It's a lot harder and much more work to get simple food and goods and have to sell them somehow to get easily exchangeable money to spend on luxuries that the benefit wasn't intended for. Or, indeed, drugs or alcohol, for that matter. I imagine people who do have their own income stream would far less often bother to do that than to fraudulently claim money benefits they are not entitled to, as they might do now.

I've also been reading a little bit about becoming rich through real estate and stock market investments.

Yes, I know. Funny how much things can change, right? I'm seeing more of the picture now, because I'm seeing a lot more of a side I wasn't able to before. I'm trying not to lose sight of my old thoughts and the things that made them valid, too, though.

My half-brother emailed me yesterday asking how my life has been, and commented that he had been to check out this blog to find out, but there were no recent entries. So, if you've been missing my blog entries, you can thank him for reminding me to return and talk about how things have been.

I'm still getting used to working, and I'm trying to make up my mind whether or not it's okay for me to wait longer to become more secure and save up more money before I start doing interesting things. Probably not. It's just a matter of remembering that some of the interesting things I want to do don't take much money, and getting out and doing them.

We'll see how it goes.

Live on, bloggers.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

To Share The Cup That Runneth Over

Someone on FetLife was asking for peoples' perspectives on the influence of our past parental abuse on those of us who have been abused and how it relates to our own desire to have, or to avoid having, children. Her voice was impassioned and full of a great deal of understandable internal conflict. It's clear she wants the good things that come with having children, and desperately wants to love and care for someone, but realizes that her scars may get in the way, and doesn't want to be a bad parent.

I would like to share my response with you all.

The best way I feel I can answer this is to tell my own stories related to it. 
I was inspired by the subtle, psychological abuses of my childhood to be vehemently vocal about bad parenting when I see it, especially when parents become frustrated with their childrens' natural curiosity and desire to learn, seeing virtually anything other than quiet obedience as disobedience, even when they only the actions of a young, inexperienced human engaged with the world and trying to gain the experience required to be a wise, functional adult.
And then later, I found VHEMT. 
I am not convinced that the human race has no chance of improving and willfully evolving socially and morally to progressively better states, and therefore don't think I actually want us to go extinct, but I definitely would prefer to see a smaller human race, with more quality, and less quantity, of life. The fewer people there are to share resources with, the bigger everyone's fair share can be. 
And this is why I've decided never to give birth, even though the thought is a fetish of mine.
However, it doesn't mean I don't want to be a mother.
I am still scarred and rendered dysfunctional by my own past abuses. In many ways the wisdom and sensitivity gained from my suffering has made me a generally very patient and level-headed person, but I am also prone to fits of anxiety and rage. Furthermore, I am young, and at the very beginning of my career. 
But someday, if I have greater financial stability, and if I have healed further and feel less controlled by my overpowering emotions, I will almost certainly want to participate in the growing and nurturing of children who were not born to me. I may foster-parent, or adopt. Or I may find my way into a nurturing role in my profession, or find my way into a household that accepts me in a role as a supportive carer and guardian to the children of someone else. 
Personally, I find it hard to believe that any child, even in the best and most well-adapted of families, could not benefit from one more loving, supportive adult in their life to encourage them to be the best that they could be; And equally hard to believe that any parent, even with the best luxuries and availability of resources and time, would not benefit from one more loving, supportive adult who could share the stresses of caring for a child when they become taxing, and thus prevent the build-up of frustration that can lead to that frustration being inappropriately taken out on the child. 
But to answer the question that stood out most to me in your post...
"If you feel, like you have love and tender loving care to give, who do you direct that energy to, if it is not kids?" 
Why... To everyone, of course. Neighbors going through hard times. Co-workers. Friends. And definitely lovers, whether they be short or long term. Absolutely everyone, not only children, and to be sure not only our own blood children, can use some Tender-Loving-Care. It is one of the greatest weaknesses of our Western society that we tend to forbid one another from taking responsibility for one another, and in turn, we forbid one another from asking for badly needed help. 
If you have love and Tender-Loving-Care to give, and you find no-one receiving it, if your cup runneth over with no-one to drink... Go to your best friends and congenial workmates, go to your lovers and partners and crushes, and if it is permissible within their circles, then go to theirs... go to those people with whom you can easily empathize, and encourage them to draw from your well of kindness whenever they are thirsty. 
All too frequently the only socially acceptable answer, to create a new life in to nurture and build up, because for some incredibly stupid reason we have been forbidden to nurture and build one another, is the only one that comes to mind. But especially for those of us who are damaged and who runneth over, but sometimes also run dry... We know in our doubts that creating a life for our love and care, and then becoming overwhelmed and filling it up also with our frustrations and tempers, becoming bad parents... Is all too real a possibility. 
Before you forge a new cup that you may not be able to fill all by yourself, then... I encourage you to seek out all of those cups near to your heart that are beginning to run low, and ask gently and patiently for permission to refill them. Break the stupid rules that forbid us from caring, mothering and looking out for one another. It is, of course, a delicate dance, and important not to be overbearing, but simply to be loving and available. But it's a well-known fact that parenting isn't easy. And this holds true whether the people you're parenting are children, or blood family, or not. 
I hope this helped.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

One More Last Conversation

(uncut conversation from my chat history on gmail, names censored out and timestamps removed)
(Pup's text is in yellow, mine is in red)



[Name Removed] is inviting you to use Google voice and video chat. Get started at http://www.google.com/chat/video

(16 minutes pass)
[Name Removed], I don't think you want to hear from me, but there are some things larger than you and I that need to be talked about
We've got six people waiting for us to put aside this nonsense and either figure out how we're going to do dnd, or not do dnd, without you, and we have the issue of my plane ticket to discuss
I don't know what you're talking about, but you might have considered it before you pushed the "leave" button. You're not my responsibility anymore.
I'm not here to assign blame, one way or another. We both made stupid decisions and held one another to words said in pain
I'm not asking you to do this for me
do it for [Name Removed] and [Name Removed] and [Name Removed] and [Name Removed] and [Name Removed]
Another word about it, and I'll block you here too.
Don't think I won't.
Anyone who wants to talk to me about D&D or anything else is perfectly free to do so on their own accord. They've got my Skype.
And if they don't, you can give it to them.

as for the issue of the plane ticket that was meant to bring me up there on my birthday, 15 days from now?
No-one told me about it.
Correct, it was my secret plan
huh, interesting that - crosse out the text
Yeah. Italics uses underscores.
Like this.

kk
so yes, when I said I could help out with the secret plan, I really meant it
I was prepared to be up there, come hell or high water
Too bad you broke it. Again. By acting out and I guess expecting to be rewarded for things there was no way I could possibly have known you were doing. Again.
No, I don't expect a reward, I should have been upfront and said why I was so upset
You do tend to have a habit of pushing me well past the breaking point right when you allegedly had something great around the corner.
you're right, I do, and that's because I get stressed about the great thing
I have no reason to believe you, Pup. Your "I'm leaving" was a bluff. A bluff to hurt and punish me.
As were threats to die that night.
As, I have no reason to disbelieve, is this.

The threats were real, and not meant to hurt you, I was trying to express how much I depended on the positives you did for me, and how, even upset like that, I knew they weren't worth losing
and I didn't stop myself from letting that happen
I got angry and vunerable
and I realize that cost me our relationship, if we still had one at that point
I think that's why I kept going, I felt like it was lost anyway
but regardless, I'm not here to ask for that back
I feel like you've made it clear that you don't care about me in that way anymore, and if that's not the case, feel free to speak up
what I'm here to ask is, does the last six months really have to go up in smoke like this, over something as pointless as this?
your feelings aren't pointless
but in a more rational state of mind, to me, me being second or first is pointless
what matters, and what should have mattered at the time, was that you put any time into me
Come to the point, you fuck. If you have practical matters to discuss, discuss them before you lose the chance. Or you will. You have been warned.
I want to go back to being friends. I know I hurt you, and I can't excuse that. I want to believe you still care about me, and that's why I spent the last few days thinking about what all of this cost me. I can't learn anything if I'm not let back in, and it's not your job to let me learn anything, but what you said that night seemed to me to be an indication that you hoped i learned from my mistakes and fixed them
Three.
Three?
*nods, and glares calmly*
+is worried that there is now a limit on how much time I have, or how many words I can say+ I shouldn't have blocked you, and I shouldn't have said it would be permanent. What I needed, and I see it now and didn't then, was time away from you, to appreciate you properly again. I got addicted to having you around, and I was paniciking at even the slightest reduction, not thinking that it would be far worse to go without you, because you can't be replaced
Two. *snarls softly, wonders if you've ever played KOTOR*
I have, and if I have a right to ask, could you please explain what the counting is for, so that I know where I'm making a mistake (unless the point is pattern recognition)
It seems like it might be every time I ask for you to come back into my life, but I'm unsure
I am counting down. I reach zero, you're blocked. Practical matters, Pup. None of this groveling.
thank you. the practical matter is that I miss doing things like hanging out watching Grimith with you, playing Dnd and Diablo 2 with you, and just having someone smart to talk to, and I'm here to ask if we can have that back, or if even that is gone forever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pRziqt-LqY
Which one of us is the dumped?
I wouldn't blame you or say you're wrong eithr way
Who's the one asking and groveling for forgiveness?
I am.
You figure it the fuck out.
+chuckle+ I think that, in the context of this, it was you
you'r the one who I think was hurt the most
I'm not sure I see it.
You were trying to make things work for me, bending over backwards to help me, when I was being a bitch and clawing at you and ran
I was being an ass, and I thought I was doing the right thing by up and leaving, but I should have said that, not turned it into a threat
One.
/me sighs.
I have something for you.

Yes?
There was a song I wanted to sing you, remember? That I thought you could really stand to hear. This is that song. Video, then lyrics page.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUlHcehNRPQ
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/dave+matthews+band/pig_20036493.html
The night you left me, I was afraid you might die before hearing it.
Because I was a moron and still took you seriously enough to believe it could happen.

you weren't a moron serp
[Name Removed] found me
If you want me to believe a fucking thing you say, prove it.
tell me how to prove he caught me crying up in my room about you, muttering that I was going to die, and I will do it
If you can't prove it, then how convenient, and congratulations, you are the next contestant on The Price is Fucked.
I didn't mean that
I want to know what proof would be sufficent for you
I'll provide it, I just need to know
To let you go, I had to get angry enough at you to cross the line of "Die then. Just don't do it in front of me."
I am not coming back.

That's what I was here to find out, if you ever thought you could
if we coudl be friends in two and a half hyears
years*
Ask me in two and a half years.
Ask me maybe if I made any progress on the fucking Secret Plan.

Will you have?
I mean, the way I'm hearing it
you don't intend to anymore
How the fuck do I know? Maybe if [Name Removed]'s an adventurer too and wants to take your place. Or some other fuck two or three more fucking heartbreaks down the road.
ah, secret plan, but without me
I don't know how to say what I'm feeling right now without sounding like I'm groveling
Well, I don't actually expect you to contact me in two and a half years.
Then don't speak.
You're out of chances.

You give me a day and time, and I'll contact you, on the nose, as long as I know you'll respond
what I won't do is wait around for months and months, never knowing if you're coming back
I'm not coming back.
I'm going the fuck forward.
I'll be a different person in two and a half years.

Then how am I supposed to learn and fix this?
That's on you.
Maybe you should grovel and ask [Name Removed].

the problem is between you and I
I can't fix it if I'm not allowed to try
And I can't make you let me fix it
*sighs out, and twitches her nose, and taps her foot*
Groveling won't help me fix the problem, so I'm going to be blunt about it, and honest
You gave me a chance on valentines, and I blew that
Another around my birthday.
And I lost my last chance two weeks before mine
I ask you to give me until that
until the 20th
to fix this
Life sucks, dunnit.
You don't get free points for bad timing.

I realize, and if I ever did, I definitely used them up
You saw I was making progress the last week or so
I want to show you the progress I made from the lesson you gave me in the last few days
You wanna show up in a plane, I wouldn't have a place to put you, but I could probably figure something out. You going to show up in a plane, presumably at the London airport, tell me when. Day and hour. I'll meet you there. But expect to be searched for weapons and a high level suspect of intent to kill out of vengeance. If you're bluffing, and you've got nothing, don't talk to me. If you piss me off, I will block you, and if you can't give me a date and time on account of being blocked, any semblance of a plan is off.
If you don't already have your ticket, or it isn't nonrefundable, I don't recommend bothering.

If you really think I would lay a hand on you, under any circumstancse, or that I could sneak such a weapon onto a plane, there are other issues at work here, but aside from that, I ripped up the ticket
*laughs like a bark*
Bye, then, Pup.

Serp...
I will buy another if that' what this is about
if that's what it takes to fix this, I will
Nothing will fix this. I'm done waiting.
You failed.

waiting for what?
Tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it, right now
For you to become worth my time.
You failed.
Fuck off.

And me willing to do anything for you doesn't count for anything in this?
Zero.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Sweet Delays

My training with the new company has been delayed a week, unfortunately. I suppose this gives me more time to practice my script, but I am disappointed and restless. I was ready, and am. I want to start NOW!

I went to see my ex and his girlfriend in hospital after she damaged her leg slipping on the ice. It was nice to see her again. We've only really met once before. In the hospital waiting room, the two of us together softly sung a single chorus of Mordred's Lullaby. We sing beautifully together, and I hope that we will do it more in the future. It was a magnificent moment. She turned to me with bright eyes and a grin and said, "So, you're a Heather Dale fan, are you?" Someone she works with mistook us for sisters.

It should say a great deal, I hope, to forgiveness and peace, that I and the present girlfriend of my ex, who is part of the reason he is my ex, do such things.

I also went out intending to buy notebooks, which I did, and highlighters, which I could not find in the dollar store, and a city transit map, which I did not buy because the line at the transit office was so long. And because I was already starting to have a panic attack.

Now facing the real prospect of a job I can, and will, excell at, even though I have not started yet... I think forward, to costume design, and street theatre, and activism. Once I can afford it, I will participate. I have been thinking brave and beautiful thoughts along those lines of late.

And... I found myself back at torture and thick in the panic of fear, of dread, to the point that I started to feel physically ill, and clung to the most peaceful and comforting and nonaggressive songs I could find on the iPod to bear it out. I stopped at Goodwill on my way home, still in that panic, thinking to talk to the awesome, sweet geeky young lady receptionist who has often cheered me up, though never out of something like this before... and ask if there was a quiet place I could cry and curl up and someone I could talk to. Several times I almost bailed, choked out an "um" to beg her not to call any particular attention to my need or make exception, or to take anyone away from potentially important work to see me.

I ended up talking to her in an empty office for I'm not sure how long... perhaps half an hour, perhaps more, spilling my terrible difficulty: "you know... don't think of a pink elephant? ... Don't think, try really really hard not to think of... pushpins. Or better, paper clips. And the remarkable depths of human ingenuity. ...And police brutality. And the fact that apparently masked protest is illegal in this country."

Knowing I will soon be able to afford to build costumes, schedule time on activities without my continued involvement in them hinging on whether I find a job that needs that time slot at some point... The risks of what I know I will do, what I know I will nerve myself to do, what I dream of doing, what I will condemn myself for a coward if I do not do... It all comes much more real, and I'm sure it will come much more real yet.

I will cry beforehand so that I can keep my eyes and my mind clear and alert and ready when vital moments come.
I will get my flinching done ahead of the act.
Or after it, I can curl up and weep.
Anytime but during.
Of course, I will strive to do so in the safest and most harmless of ways that can still have dramatic effect, and with all due caution. I only fear for that even the most peaceful of dissent can and certainly will be criminalized in worst case scenarios. For which I absolutely must be prepared.

Prepare for the worst.
Strive for the best.
Expect the most likely, but prepare to be surprised.

The time talking to my friend the receptionist greatly helped me. The fact that I was able to approach her and ask for the moment of help, and follow through, in a public setting, is a definite mark of progress. Overall... today has been a very good, empowering day.
Be proud of me.

I don't think I feel happy.
I feel... like a weak and struggling creature. Growing slightly less weak.
I feel wholesome. I do not feel victorious, but I do feel brave, albeit terribly frightened. I feel resolved, and open, and I feel I have allies.
I feel comforted.
None of these things are happiness. But they are good things.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Fools Of Us

You just cannot win when you're wrong
Though the battle be bloody and long
Oh, the truth will make fools of us all
And the longer you cling to illusion,
the harder you'll fall.

We were all of us ignorant, once
We fought with our lies and the battles were lost
To have wisdom, we must pay the cost
Bitter remedy swallowed with pride
'neath the hat of the dunce

The truth will come out...
It always does, in time.
And the louder you shout
The more foolish you'll look, to yourself
at the end of the line

You just cannot win when you're wrong
Though the battle be bloody and long
Oh, the truth will make fools of us all
And the longer you cling to illusion,
the harder you'll fall.

You just cannot win when you're wrong
Though your allies be wordy, your arguments strong
You may hide behind tyranny, authority,
maybe last your whole life;
Doesn't matter how long, you will never be right

The truth will come out...
It always does, in time.
And the louder you shout
The more foolish you'll look, to yourself
at the end of the line

You just cannot win when you're wrong
Though your allies be wordy, your arguments strong
You may silence dissent, but what victory is that?
You're no closer to truth for each tongue you cut loose

And the truth will come out...
As always, it's yours to decide...
To acknolwedge the loss;
To abandon your pride;
To be wrong,
to be free,
to be right...

Oh the truth will make fools of us-

You just cannot win when you're wrong
Though the battle be bloody and long
Oh, the truth will make fools of us all
And the longer you cling to illusion,
the harder you'll fall.

The truth will make fools of us all!

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

99% Furry Deviant Approved

I went out grocery shopping today. I brought my Damon with me, and we picked up a bunch of nice things, more than just my standard fare. I got myself ice cream and treats, and got Damon some doughnut sticks, in celebration of my having a new job. I spent most of the rest of my money for this month... It is December, and I will admit, I had been splurging a bit on presents and shipping sending things to people I love, as well as getting things for myself, like a new pair of ear buds since my old ones died. I haven't paid my bills for the month yet, but it's a phenomenally liberating feeling having a pay cheque on the way.

And then, waiting at the bus stop, loaded down with soda, chips and delicious holiday eggnog... I noticed I had another voice mail from work. I gave my supervisor, the friendly and bubbly one, a call. She had left me a message last night, too, asking me to come in for a second training shift on Friday. I had tried to call back, but it didn't seem to be working. It worked this time, and I told her I had gotten her message, sorry for not getting back earlier, told her the reason, and yes of course I can come in on Friday.

She told me she'd spoken with the boss and they had decided they were going to stick with their current team for the time being. I was invited to come in to collect my pay for the two hour orientation I went to. I hurried to politely thank her for telling me, and fumble for my bus pass, as our bus rolled up to the stop.

As you might imagine, I was shocked, stunned, hurt... and maybe even a little panicky, especially since I had slipped my bus pass in a different pocket from the one I usually put it in, and took a minute to find it.

My first thoughts, once I started having thoughts beyond panic and where I had put my bus pass, was that my supervisor or my boss found it unprofessional that I hadn't gotten back after their message early enough, or that they were expecting me to come in today for second training after all (it had been suggested that I would be asked to do so earlier) despite the message asking me to do it on Friday.

My second thoughts were that this was probably because I had mentioned that I haven't worked for a while and would have to adapt my sleep schedule to working again, or that I'd just been too casual and personal in my jokes with my supervisor, talking about memories of listening to cassette tapes as a child, which one of their case models reminded me of (they have one shaped like an old-fashioned audio casette), and such things. Maybe I had somehow offended her or raised a red flag, and she was just too good at masking that kind of thing for me to notice any change in her smile or her laugh. Maybe she had taken my questions and comments during training about harder cases being more likely to crack as antagonism towards the products, or a sign of likely inability to sell them. Maybe I would never be able to get work as long as I naturally fell into patterns of being casual and friendly with anyone I grew to trust at all...

And then, after a while, it finally hit me. I remember at some point while dealing with this blog, finding something about backlinks. Since I am the author of this blog, Blogger will tell me if there is another website somewhere on the internet that links to this one, and will link me to it so I can go and check out who is giving me publicity. You remember that link on my last post, to the Speaking Phones gallery website? If the owner of that website has access to backlinks too... and I strongly suspect this is a thing that is not limited to blogs... then he just got access to that blog post, everything I said about my uncertainty about selling rhinestone covered bling, and the implication that I had not meant to keep the job long (but was now considering doing so, given how the place exceeded all my expectations). In fact, he got access to all my blog posts, and my Fetlife account, and anything else linked to my online persona and the name SerpentStare.

And it turns out I hadn't gotten the job yet. I might as well have stood up on my chair at an interview and shouted, "I'm gay and furry and kinky and proud of it!". Now that... that would explain this, much better than having said something too casual or failed to answer a non-urgent message with urgent timing.

I guess I can't blame them, especially given how harsh I've been in my socialist and anti-capitalist and anti-work epithets on the site here... I remember hearing somewhere that there's no such thing as bad publicity, and I had hoped that my employers would feel that way... Maybe they feel that if I'm willing to use my personal life to plug and promote my work life, I might use my work life to spread pro-fetish ideology, or something? No, I know better than that. I guess for whatever reason, they didn't want their website even remotely associated with me. I will try to remember not to link to any other employers I end up being considered by, lest they find out I am a deviant of great calibre and pride. You might notice, I have gone back to the two previous posts on this blog that featured my real name and removed it, so that it does not come up on a Google search. However, since I seem to have already lost this one, I will leave the existing links up. Speaking Phones was, after all, the reason I labelled that last one "Cool Stuff on the Internet". The website seems a bit broken, and doesn't show all of their stock... at least not on Chrome... but I really was looking forward to working there. There was a lot of cool gear, and I encourage any readers who are looking for cellphone accessories in the London area or near a different one of their branches to check them out.

For now... If I get an email or phone call from someone at Speaking Phones asking me to remove all direct references and/or links to their website, I will do so. I don't really expect them to do that, though, since it would kind of suggest I'd been discriminated against if it turned out the identifying information on my blog was what kept them from hiring me, and it would suggest that they had, in fact, read my blog, if they asked me to remove content from it. Ah, discrimination. Everyone does it, but no-one can admit it, because then there might be legal problems. I haven't had to deal with it a whole lot - at least, not comparatively speaking... and, well, I guess I kind of forgot it existed and I should stay guarded against it, there, for a moment.

And now I'm broke. I assumed I had a job, I celebrated, I stopped to tell you all (and Ontario Works for that matter) about it... and now... I don't. I will need some help to get through this month, I think... though having had a moment to think about it, I'm pretty sure I've got all the help I need. There are people I can ask for assistance in moments like this, thankfully. Damon among them, though he can't help me with money, only moral support.

I'll make it through this. It's a staggering and disappointing blow, but I'll make it. I'm really glad Damon was there with me when I got that memo, he was a huge help. And to Speaking Phones... like it or not, you have my approval, in pretty much everything except, naturally, the decision not to hire me. Maybe you'll change your mind. Maybe you won't. Anyway, best of luck.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A Series of Surprisingly Positive Events


Well. I guess it's been a while. I've been preoccupied.

Mostly, it's that my distant online primary relationship takes up a lot of my time. My young pup would honestly be very happy if he could play D&D 12 hours a day, and while I will admit, I'm getting back into playing and actually having fun with it (despite having gotten really really jaded with weaknesses due to, effectively, group cohesion and social stuff in my first campaign and subsequent attempts), I nevertheless cannot play that much - D&D is awesome (or can be, as is being proven again), but it wears me out if I overexpose myself to it. My mind needs to rest after being blown too hard. I might get dragged into playing for two to three hours almost every day anyway, though, more for his benefit because he's short on other people to play with than mine. To be fair, Pup does have some really neat and shiny campaign ideas. We are currently preparing a two-character-party Inquisitor game fashioned in the style of Van Helsing, or Brothers Grim... or the default setting of a more obscure role-playing system called Dogs of the Vineyard... in which we will take turns DMing adventures, but have both our characters work together all the time... sometimes I get to be the player without much OOC knowledge, and he gets to play as a DMPC, and sometimes the other way around.

Also, I just got a job! Yay! I just got back from a two hour orientation to get acquainted with things... the job is selling cellphone cases and accessories at a mall island shop booth called Speaking Phones. At first I felt kind of disgusting for putting myself so close to anything quite as covered in rhinestones and cheap as the merchandise seemed to be... but having taken a closer look and gotten acquainted with the prices... erm... it doesn't seem to be overpriced cheap glittery garbage after all. The prices are actually pretty damn good compared to other places I've seen, and there's a lot of really swanky gear, including a pair of shades with 2 gigabytes of built in data storage and earphones, for $50... though I'm not sure whether that does something independently or is to be used with a phone or MP3 player or what. The nature of the business even seems to be fairly low on paper or plastic wastage, my supervisor is a pleasant young lady who laughs at my jokes, used up every inch of the notebook that notes for the staff are written in, and is transferring inventory management to a fully electronic format... in this case meaning "write it down and save it in a notepad file if we're running low on anything". The whole thing seems sensibly run and down to earth, and while I keep being told the focus is on selling and up-selling, from watching my supervisor work, it is quite clear I'm not being asked to pressure sell.

I make a distinction between sales and customer service along the following lines: if the customer already knows they want something from me, and I help them find what they were looking for, show options, and happily lead them to make whatever choice they find preferable, it's customer service. If I have to tell the customer they want something, or tell them what to buy, it's sales. By that definition, this falls squarely in the realm of customer service, despite the fact that my title is "sales associate". And that is absolutely fine with me. I may find myself enjoying this job enough to want to stay at it rather than switching to something else, after all. It was... a lot easier than I expected it to be. All that procrastination and fear regarding a job search, and I actually get a job before I considered myself to have started doing it properly... Well. Um. Well. ...Okay? I guess life is easier when you play by the rules people expect you to. Or something.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Fantasy

(originally posted on FetLife on April 17, 2010)

Here we are just chasing fantasy,
wishing for a day that's never been,

Living...
as though uncertainty, were
something strange,
not how things ought to be.

Chasing dragons, in dragging days,
killing boredom when we can.

Trapping bitterness and wringing it dry,
as though to try
to make it sweet,
While we're just chasing fantasy,
visions that will never be, until
we stop chasing,
we start making,
for a day that's never been.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Choice and Responsibility

I clicked into a serious talk on YouTube today. I wasn't really looking for it, not actively anyway. It was about choice, capitalism, and the paralysis of clinging to what little we have rather than risking the loss of it by moving to engineer social change. It strikes kind of hard... I'm familiar with this truth. I think it may be one of the things I was trying to talk about with To Do What I Must While I Am Who I Am.

It also reminds me of The Little Prince. I find myself almost wanting to cry as I think even of myself, trying to force myself to ascribe to something I do not believe, the idea that submitting to the need to work on whatever my employer's terms are will empower me to make a difference, rather than making me a supportive cog in a system I despise and disempowering me by giving me something I must fear to lose...

I see myself trying to mount a stressful job search, with minimal resources and trying to bury my resentment of the system that puts me here and demands that I serve it in order to live a better life... turning into what the Prince would call a 'mushroom'; putting off, ignoring, or dismissing important matters of emotionality, sensitivity and wonder because "I am concerned with matters of consequence!"

I do not want to take solace in that phrase or in the necessity of my busywork. I don't want to allow myself any excuse for not doing what I believe in in every way I can.

And yet... I must job search, I must work. If I refused, I would be denied what little survival budget I am being given, and pushed into an even smaller, darker hole. To avoid both would be dishonest and as such a betrayal of principles I hold most dear. I am already concerned with matters of consequence... matters of survival. And I must admit I already kind of hate myself for it.

I wrote in the very first pages of the notebook that's now become my journal, quite some time ago:

People in a culture with as much technology, resources and interconnectivity as ours have absolutely no right to be concerned about their mere survival.
I am guilty of this, and feel that I have failed, not on my own lack of merit, but as one of the billions, as a member of the whole human race. I also wrote:

Western culture has adopted the image of an organization collapsing under its own obsession with efficiency - efficiency itself compromised by endless lawsuits over liability and breach of protocol...
A machine so frantically upgrading and replacing its pieces that it tears itself apart.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

To Do what I Must; While I Am who I Am

No, I do not bring happiness with me wherever I go. Not always.

To my love, my presence is sorrowful; It confronts him with the guilt of having done me wrong. It puts a pressure on him that prohibits, rather than enabling and encouraging him to open up to himself, to be open and vulnerable enough to question, probe, consider, and discover, the deeper reasons for his own restlessness. I know it is hard enough for him to find that vulnerability within himself alone, let alone before the image of a sad love, a person he has hurt and cannot heal. I feel (I fear) it might be better for us both not to bear this painful, wistful company, full of the flashing glimpses of regrets and roads not taken.

I read a guide to interview planning and etiquette. It's all tips I've heard before. And I feel an instinctive despair, a familiar objection from my very core: "This is not who I am!"

"It's only what I do." The second voice rises like an ocean over a desert, like rivers into the sea. It brings with it a rightness, a freedom. And perhaps it brings the problem well into light. Is it not a beautiful, distant dream? To be able to Do what I Am, rather than live a dichotomy, in the left hand the truth of Who I Am, and in the right the truth of What I Do, each clumsily struggling to tie separate knots, or, may all goodness forbid, the one constantly undoing the other's, rather than forming a graceful bow of mutual effort between them.

And yet, having not come to that place, the separation is a forgiveness. I may do What I Must Do, and this does not override Who I Am. I need not be fundamentally changed or overwritten to fill a less natural or fitting role. My capability is a fact, and my quirks flavour and enhance it, but while I Do other than what I Am - at the behest of others, to feed myself - my secret self is not deleted, but lies in wait like a spy waiting for his opportune moment to strike, or a caterpillar for his wings.

Even as I write this, every letter feels like a lie, the mere thought of the act is uncomfortable as deceit, and the excuse that I "have to" tastes bitter and hateful in my mouth. But perhaps, I can consent to Do even in service of my enemies, and to Do with my fullest capacity for excellence, while waiting and growing and stowing myself carefully away, preparing for the chance to Do what I Am, and bowl the world over at just the right moment.

Now if only I could believe it.

I must find some way at least for the two not to be in open conflict, or I shall tear myself apart...

Saturday, September 1, 2012

The Serpent Street Choir

The last meeting of Grit Uplifted in the session of fourteen was today. I feel slightly bloated. There was a small party with baked goods and a free beverage from Red Roaster, courtesy of the facilitators of the group. And then dinner at the Center of Hope directly afterward.

I spent some time after the confidence boost of reading some of my newest work at Grit walking the streets and imagining that I were leading a practiced choir of recruits from My Sister's Place and the expanded community in a slow march through the streets, singing "I Have a Right" together; two people carrying large, cardboard signs in clear black and white, one with "I Have a Right, by Sonata Arctica, from their album Stones Grow Her Name", and the other with "adapted and performed with choir by (me - name removed)" on either side by the front; instrumentalists who wanted to join in playing a simple, repeated rhythm on drums, perhaps even a guitarist.

For a long, instrumental break, I imagined the choir filling the space with a simple, rhythmic refrain in increasingly complex harmony (perhaps with parts of it singing a supportive harmony in simple aah's or la's),

"I have a right. You have a right. We have a right. We all have a right. The rich have a right. The poor have a right. The old have a right. The young have a right." ...Back into the chorus.

I imagined drawing much energy and attention while slowly progressing down some streets.

Only thoughts... But such beautiful, beautiful thoughts they are.

I really must think about trying to start up a small choir group at My Sister's Place. It would be an early step to some wonderful thing like this actually happening.

Ah, and in my imagination, with my ego, I called it The Serpent Street Choir.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

The Ignorance of Privilege


I wrote a response to a video a while ago that I'd like to share here. It was a response to this episode of SF Debris science fiction reviews. This video presented Real Life, an episode of Star Trek Voyager in which the Emergency Medical Hologram bonds with a holographic family in order to better understand human relationships, but then eventually has to face tragedy as his holographic daughter dies. Chuck is very passionate in his objection to some of the messages in the episode, and the way that this tragedy was ultimately handled. Go watch it if you want more context, but in essence he stated quite clearly his own answer to the question of whether something like this is traumatic enough that anyone capable of simply avoiding the situation to begin with and never facing it is truly fortunate to have that option, or whether the personal growth and maturing that comes with having to live through and deal with tragedy is worth facing it. His stance? Some things are bad enough that there should be no shame in avoiding them if you can, and losing a child is definitely one of them.

Here are my original thoughts on the subject, edited slightly for better clarity and to correct a typo or two:

I remember your turn-around of the old saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", refuting it as inaccurate. "I make me stronger when I refuse to let it kill me." However, this saying, in either form, only deals with the two extremes of the spectrum of possibilities. In the aftermath of a tragic event, you can fail to come out of it at all, or you can get through it... And it isn't always true that you will necessarily come out of it stronger if you survive. Some events cause forever crippling, or at least scarring, injuries. Sometimes the price you had to pay to get through it set you back years of development in some form or another. This can be physical, like a fractured bone that never completely heals, or an accident leaving one bedridden for so long that the patient has to learn to walk all over again afterwards. It can also be emotional.
The most unfortunate thing is that I haven't seen many examples of people who were able to understand that some struggles just aren't worth it even if you survive them... that the scars and damages are, and remain, greater than the strength gained in facing them, that they have never been truly overcome, and possibly never will be... without having been through such a situation in some form or another themselves. I remember hearing someone refer to it as something like the "ignorance of privilege". It's not a clear fault of the ignorant that they are ignorant, either. It is genuinely hard to imagine a situation in which there is no possible way to come out ahead... and for most people, it seems to be impossible, up until the first time they realize... this... whatever "this" is... is one.
Perhaps the only way to change this is to refute and avoid reaffirming the lie that if you got through it, it was good for you. Unfortunately, it IS true that having gotten through it required growth that would otherwise not have come about in the same way... People who have dealt with tragedy are almost always better prepared and better able to deal with it again - not that it isn't still a terrible experience, just that, like any pain that hurts badly enough, long enough, there is a numbing effect that diminishes its effects on you. The lie is in the assumption that this hardening is "worth" the pain, which is a value judgement, and thus inherently an opinion. People may disagree. The problem is when people who are not in a position to understand the severity of the situation... which really, includes anyone without the full context of emotional weight and other issues involved, and thus anyone at all besides the person experiencing this trauma... try to make that judgement themselves and enforce it on the person suffering it.

Friday, March 23, 2012

From The Fruits of Whose Labour

I have been talking to a friend about my socialist ideals, and there are a couple of things he said in response that I'd like to address publicly, not just to him. My friend said: "As I understand it you are suggesting that everyone should be able to live without 'working'."

If this is the case, he misunderstands it, but only slightly. I am suggesting that each individual should be able to live without having to work. Without being compelled to work. The pivotal point is the idea that we do not have enough, or advanced enough, technology that things can function without anyone doing anything... but that we do have enough technology that we could, conceivably, fill all the roles truly necessary for everyone to have a decent minimum of safety, comfort, and happiness, on a volunteer basis.

And that even more easily, we could produce significantly more wealth (measured in things like food, living spaces, technology, medical care, and other goods and services both basic and luxurious) than would be required for everyone to live at this comfortable minimum standard... and portion some of the extra stuff, particularly the luxurious and higher quality or less fundamentally necessary stuff, as rewards to those who do wish to work.

The system would not be that different, fundamentally, from the way it is now, save that instead of having to earn enough money to cover our rent, groceries, medical bills, transportation, education, legal assistance and all other services we require... we would automatically be entitled to a certain adequate standard of every one of these free of charge, regardless of status or wealth.
If we wanted a higher standard of essentials, or wished to indulge in extra things like a night at the movies or theatre, some fun new technology, travel to a far away land for a vacation, or things like that...
Those. Those are the rewards that we might be compelled to work for, were the satisfaction of a job well done and desire to actually do something useful with our own special talents not reason enough. Not to mention social status and respect for being a benefit to society in general.

Really doesn't sound too far from current reality, does it? It isn't too hard to imagine a world in which there are some grocery stores where you don't even NEED money, you can come and get a certain amount of food to take home for free. We technically already have those in Canada, if you think about it. Food banks, we call them. Odd, that it should be called a bank when it's one of the few places in the modern world that does not deal with currency in any way. There would be some apartments that you could live in free of charge, albeit likely comparatively small ones without the best features or design. There would be places where you can get second hand or lower quality furniture that nevertheless is sturdy enough to trust, and fulfills its function as well as you need it to.

And I would hope, as I expect anyone else would, that these minimum standards, the way people can survive even without giving anything back, will continue to improve... I hope that they'll even gain a little bit of ground on the continually advancing cutting edge of technology, as time goes by. Maybe in 2024, the poorest people in Canada will still have easy access to technology that's only two years old, things we haven't even begun to dream up yet, and the richest will have what was invented in their own yesterday.

Now for the other point I'd like to address. "The key question that comes to mind is this: from the fruits of whose productive work do you take the resources to support those who choose not to work in the capitalist sense?" And that is a good question that a lot of people feel compelled to ask people who believe in the ideal of socialism.

It is phrased in such a way as to not be the right question, from my point of view, since from my point of view no-one should be 'entitled' to keep for themselves the entire fruits of their labour to begin with. Human culture simply does not work like that, it involves trade and sharing. Not everyone can cook, not everyone can build, and not everyone can hunt... or wants to, for that matter, for any given of the three. But a skilled cook can cook for a hall full of people, a builder can build many houses, and a skilled and lucky hunter can bring home enough meat for his entire tribe. It is not presumed that we would be better off in a society where the hunter keeps all the meat, the cook prepares meals only for himself and his immediate family, and you don't live in a house unless you can build one worth living in. I realize that the concern is how we can justify asking anyone to provide services even to those who are giving nothing back - why the cook should have to feed not only the person who built his house and the person who brought him the meat for his cooking pot, but also members of the community to whom he owes nothing, who have not exchanged services with him. I'll get to that point a little later.

For the sake of fairness, I can answer the question as asked. Whose productive work? Anyone who is willing to do the work just for the sake of doing it, or with an understanding that it is by virtue of others' similar willingness that they have the things they cannot produce independently and would not always be able or willing to trade for. Love for the work itself, a genuine desire to help people, or a desire to contribute for social validation and bragging rights are all good reasons to work and it is possible to find people who are willing to help other people just because they are people and they have needs and desires to be met, which "I" have the power to fulfill. If this were not true, there would be no volunteers in the world.  Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

The historical solution that most "civilized" societies seem to have adopted to solve the matter of human beings developing specialized skills and needing to be able to share them without general societal disarray and confusion over who was trading what for what has been to try to measure the values of each of these contributions against each other, and use physical tokens to represent value contributed to society and thus earned, versus value taken back from society and thus spent. Thus, currency is born, and we just try to get all the prices for things figured out in such a way that everyone contributes to the group in order to benefit from it, and everyone makes enough to afford the things they need, when they need them.

Oh, what a great circus act THAT turns out to be.

Enter endless arguments about whose services and goods are more valuable, more necessary, higher quality, and otherwise worth more money, endless jockeying for social position and wealth, and a million and one little traps into which we fall by trying to make sufficient quantities of necessary goods readily available to everyone, even the poorer classes. How badly has this completely fucked over the industry of simply growing plants, the first stage food industry and probably the single most essential job in the history of the human race? Not to mention that tokens can be easily misplaced or even stolen, so even if the balances are set to an impossibly ideal and perfect balance, some people who feel that they are not well enough compensated for the work they do may go about trying to correct this by imposing a small re-compensation tax from anyone they find they can get away with taking it from.

But back to the plight of underpaid farmers for now. One might well ask, if one wishes to pose a question, why the businessman and the doctor and the lawyer should, and indeed whether they should, "give up" part of their justly earned wages and the fruits of their labour, for the benefit of the lowly farmer, whose goods are appraised at a much lower price?

But of course, the answer is obvious. Because while some of us may greatly value the convenience of the businessman's newest appliance, be desperate for the defense of a good lawyer, and sing thanks to the doctor for his help fixing your broken leg and your sister's ulcers...
We all, even more importantly, need to eat.

The fact is that the art of civilization is effectively the co-operation of all or at least most people within it, with diverse skills, talents and strengths. We work together, and together produce a world of convenience, plenty, power and security that would not be possible otherwise.

Then the question comes down, as indeed it must, what of the invalid? What of the children? They don't have anything for us to buy from them, they don't have any services to charge us for...

... Does this, then, make them useless? Not in the case of the child, surely, for children grow up and learn skills to share, they contribute when they are older. The invalid? Some of them can be healed (ah, the power of the good doctors at work), and can contribute with concrete skills, but some, alas, will never be able to do so competitively if at all. So what of them? Do we allow them to live half-lives, buy whatever lowly scraps of food, and live in whatever slums, their lesser efforts can afford, until they waste away?

No. We don't condone this cruelty. We believe, as well we should, that simply being human is virtue enough that one should be able to survive with some comfort and dignity by that virtue alone, and it is with this reasoning that we will sacrifice some of the wealth we do not technically need for the good of those who can give nothing back. It is commendable and human of us to be so generous.

There is, however, another problem yet unsolved, one that is much less obvious. It has begun to creep up on us, but we still seem very reluctant to acknowledge it.


Actually, there are two, and they go together.

Firstly, again, there is the matter of how to balance the importance and values of completely different services and products, in order that they be appropriately priced and fair. Here, there is a fundamental problem. The more valuable a thing is, the more dramatically it makes life better, we assume, the more it benefits society when it is contributed, so it should be worth more money. That stands to reason. On the other hand, the more important a thing is, the more important it is that everyone be able to afford it, because it may be necessary for their wellbeing, and the wellbeing of a person is inherently important. Everyone, including people who don't have much money. Therefore, the more important something is, the more affordable it should be, the less money it should cost. It stands to reason.


However, the result of these two perfectly logical conclusions interacting is that the most important, basic and vital parts of society, the things we literally cannot, or would not want to live without... are the things that we reward people the least for providing us with. We will make our inventors and psychologists and lawyers and businessmen rich and privileged... And leave farmers, teachers, doctors, and the producers of things that everyone needs, like simple clothing... poor. So poor, sometimes, as the results of flaws in the system continue to build up, that they may not be able to afford any more than a life of basic essentials. It should be no wonder, then, if we find ourselves short of people willing to do the hardest work, that is the most important... and because of our twisted hierarchy of what deserves how much money... the least rewarded.

The second problem is that as technology progresses, it becomes much more efficient and autonomous. A garden that takes a whole family to maintain can soon be run by one, or else multiply in size and still require the same amount of labour to farm due to advances in weed and pest control, new fertilizers and better tools, like tractors and machines for threshing wheat.

A database of information that once took a dozen people and an entire room to write down, keep track of and maintain can now not only be expanded a hundred fold, but even with all the extra information, be kept running and maintained by just one person using a sophisticated computer, while simultaneously being accessible to literally thousands of people at once without using additional work hours, thanks to the wonders of the internet.

Routine medical tissue tests that once had to be done by eye and took hours can now be automatically checked by machine in minutes, with an astonishing leap in reliability.

Et cetera.

In each one of the cases above, it has become possible to provide the service involved to many, many more people at once... with an actual reduction in the number of people who need to spend their time arranging for it to happen. This has occurred in every single industry, which is very much to our credit, and the number of new industries we've invented now that we have the spare people to power them, while impressive, does not actually fill up the difference.

In the middle ages, it may have been necessary for the survival of a village, that everyone spend long days labouring at their assigned tasks, because otherwise there would not be enough food, or adequate defense, or enough houses, for them all.

We no longer live in that world. The percentage of people who need to be farmers to feed us all has fallen dramatically, and we even have the luxury of more choices in our foodstuffs, with a trading culture so strong that we can get fresh or close-to-fresh produce of almost any kind from anywhere in the world, all year round.

With more efficient practices and better tools as well as many more drugs and medicines and a completely evolved sense of how the human body works, we need a smaller percentage of the population to be doctors to keep us in good health.

Even with inventors, scientists, politicians and government officials at all levels, teachers, plumbers, engineers and the creators and producers and maintainers and servicers of every new invention we've come up with, and the veritable army of customer service personnel, accountants, waitresses, cleaning staff, and salesmen (a job which I am convinced provides no benefit to society at large whatsoever by its existence), there is still a huge block of the population who are not employed in any of these fields... that we can afford to, and do, provide basic services for anyway.

There is, quite simply, nothing that they are actually needed for. There are, of course, always things that could help, new ideas to come up with, smaller, unnecessary but pleasant roles they could fill...

But there arises a new problem. Firstly, that many of these people may simply have no idea what additional benefit there could be for them to provide, worth the time of doing it... And secondly, and most damnably, the rather massive problem that even if someone does come up with a wonderful thing they could do and be good at, and make humanity richer by the doing... there is a very good chance that they will not be able to find anyone willing to pay them to do it.

With the same hierarchy of value and importance that devalues food production and teaching the next generations simply because they are so important that we need them... this same system by which professions jockey and push for dominance, where a million different voices of producers and servicemen proclaim "I am the one worth the most! I deserve the best reward!"... some of the most humane, generous, beautiful activities that human beings can come up with...

...Are ranked so low, that they are awarded no compensation at all.

Consider relief and community project workers in foreign countries, many of whom work without pay, or even pay for their "hero vacations" themselves to help cover the cost of supplies. Consider the fact that the Global Fund to fight AIDS has been suffering considerably for lack of donations from world governments, and a couple of times, has come close to having to suspend vital operations... like giving free AIDS medicine to impoverished Africans. Thankfully, campaigning and philanthropy have kept it above water... so far.

On a less serious note, why is it that skilled, old fashioned craftsmen, makers and repairers of fine wares, need to be shutting down their shops and ceasing business when they are still providing excellent service and goods that should be considered valuable, and the space they are taking up is not needed for anything bigger or more important - no, it's likely there are already empty and unused shopfronts in the same neighborhood?

The answer is that while we value these things, or at least claim to, when it comes to paying the bills, we have to prioritize and assign, decide where our money is going to go. For some reason, our currency, the manner by which we measure and trade and use wealth to ensure that everyone gets a fair share, not only creates inequity but actually causes us to discard some of the wealth we already have, by placing a limit on what we can "afford" which is completely independent of both the wealth we actually have, and the number of people we have available to do work for us creating wealth.

It creates complicated scenarios in which it makes more sense for a company to treat its workers more poorly in order to increase overall efficiency, despite the truth of the fact that workers perform better when treated well and kept healthy, and also despite the moral problems with such a business model.

It creates a world in which we have more than enough food, technology, manpower and skill, all just sitting there, to feed everyone the most delicious feasts we can imagine... and instead of doing that, we obsessively keep track to make sure that no-one gets away with taking more than they can pay for, even if it means we have to throw food away and make it useless rather than give it to someone who is hungry but has no money.

And due to the extensive legal issues surrounding money and its transactions, we actually have a significant chunk of the economy which is effectively entirely dedicated to cleaning up the messes left by its own flaws!

The money system and the requirement that people earn money from employers willing to pay them started out as a good idea to keep things organized, but like the original printing press and European feudalism, it has had its day. We can do better now. We have the technology. The times have evolved past it, and frankly we do not need it anymore. It places pointless artificial limits on the amount we are able to do, encourages greed and hoarding and theft by putting far too much value in tiny, useless coins and papers, and makes just as many problems with value assignment and prioritization than it solves by making sure everyone has to contribute... even though we do not actually need them to.

If we stripped away the redundancies and accounting and sales that money makes necessary all by itself, I am confident that we could care for 100% of the people using the man hours and skill of 10% of the people. We could do it better, more efficiently, and with less grief all around, than we do it now. It would be just another mighty leap forward in social efficiency.

Even if we just restricted the use of money to certain luxury industries like travel and entertainment, and the finest of material things, we could make our society much more streamlined, efficient, and inherently more caring and generous. We could stop making 10% of the population work 40 hours a week and get 50% or more of the population to work 10 or so hours a week, too, if we wanted to. I bet people would be happy to volunteer for shifts like that. I did it myself, for a while.

And that, actually, is my final, and most personal complaint.
Me. Myself.
I am a goodhearted, intelligent, insightful person. I have the skills and the power to cheer and console, to help people through their problems and keep things in perspective. I have lots of good ideas.

And the way things work now, I am not authorized to act on any of them without paying thousands of dollars I do not have to be lectured at for a few years first. Because society "can't afford" the risk that I might do it wrong and hurt someone.

Fuck this world. I want to go home. I want to make home. Here. So damn well fucking let me.