One More Last Conversation

(uncut conversation from my chat history on gmail, names censored out and timestamps removed)

(Pup's text is in yellow, mine is in red)

[Name Removed] is inviting you to use Google voice and video chat. Get started at http://www.google.com/chat/video

(16 minutes pass)

[Name Removed], I don't think you want to hear from me, but there are some things larger than you and I that need to be talked about

We've got six people waiting for us to put aside this nonsense and either figure out how we're going to do dnd, or not do dnd, without you, and we have the issue of my plane ticket to discuss

I don't know what you're talking about, but you might have considered it before you pushed the "leave" button. You're not my responsibility anymore.

I'm not here to assign blame, one way or another. We both made stupid decisions and held one another to words said in pain

I'm not asking you to do this for me

do it for [Name Removed] and [Name Removed] and [Name Removed] and [Name Removed] and [Name Removed]

Another word about it, and I'll block you here too.
Don't think I won't.
Anyone who wants to talk to me about D&D or anything else is perfectly free to do so on their own accord. They've got my Skype.
And if they don't, you can give it to them.

as for the issue of the plane ticket that was meant to bring me up there on my birthday, 15 days from now?

No-one told me about it.

Correct, it was my secret plan

huh, interesting that - crosse out the text

Yeah. Italics uses underscores.
Like this.

kk

so yes, when I said I could help out with the secret plan, I really meant it

I was prepared to be up there, come hell or high water

Too bad you broke it. Again. By acting out and I guess expecting to be rewarded for things there was no way I could possibly have known you were doing. Again.

No, I don't expect a reward, I should have been upfront and said why I was so upset

You do tend to have a habit of pushing me well past the breaking point right when you allegedly had something great around the corner.

you're right, I do, and that's because I get stressed about the great thing

I have no reason to believe you, Pup. Your "I'm leaving" was a bluff. A bluff to hurt and punish me.
As were threats to die that night.
As, I have no reason to disbelieve, is this.

The threats were real, and not meant to hurt you, I was trying to express how much I depended on the positives you did for me, and how, even upset like that, I knew they weren't worth losing

and I didn't stop myself from letting that happen

I got angry and vunerable

and I realize that cost me our relationship, if we still had one at that point

I think that's why I kept going, I felt like it was lost anyway

but regardless, I'm not here to ask for that back

I feel like you've made it clear that you don't care about me in that way anymore, and if that's not the case, feel free to speak up

what I'm here to ask is, does the last six months really have to go up in smoke like this, over something as pointless as this?

your feelings aren't pointless

but in a more rational state of mind, to me, me being second or first is pointless

what matters, and what should have mattered at the time, was that you put any time into me

Come to the point, you fuck. If you have practical matters to discuss, discuss them before you lose the chance. Or you will. You have been warned.

I want to go back to being friends. I know I hurt you, and I can't excuse that. I want to believe you still care about me, and that's why I spent the last few days thinking about what all of this cost me. I can't learn anything if I'm not let back in, and it's not your job to let me learn anything, but what you said that night seemed to me to be an indication that you hoped i learned from my mistakes and fixed them

Three.

Three?

*nods, and glares calmly*

+is worried that there is now a limit on how much time I have, or how many words I can say+ I shouldn't have blocked you, and I shouldn't have said it would be permanent. What I needed, and I see it now and didn't then, was time away from you, to appreciate you properly again. I got addicted to having you around, and I was paniciking at even the slightest reduction, not thinking that it would be far worse to go without you, because you can't be replaced

Two. *snarls softly, wonders if you've ever played KOTOR*

I have, and if I have a right to ask, could you please explain what the counting is for, so that I know where I'm making a mistake (unless the point is pattern recognition)

It seems like it might be every time I ask for you to come back into my life, but I'm unsure

I am counting down. I reach zero, you're blocked. Practical matters, Pup. None of this groveling.

thank you. the practical matter is that I miss doing things like hanging out watching Grimith with you, playing Dnd and Diablo 2 with you, and just having someone smart to talk to, and I'm here to ask if we can have that back, or if even that is gone forever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pRziqt-LqY

Which one of us is the dumped?

I wouldn't blame you or say you're wrong eithr way

Who's the one asking and groveling for forgiveness?

I am.

You figure it the fuck out.

+chuckle+ I think that, in the context of this, it was you

you'r the one who I think was hurt the most

I'm not sure I see it.

You were trying to make things work for me, bending over backwards to help me, when I was being a bitch and clawing at you and ran

I was being an ass, and I thought I was doing the right thing by up and leaving, but I should have said that, not turned it into a threat

One.
/me sighs.
I have something for you.

Yes?

There was a song I wanted to sing you, remember? That I thought you could really stand to hear. This is that song. Video, then lyrics page.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUlHcehNRPQ
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/dave+matthews+band/pig_20036493.html
The night you left me, I was afraid you might die before hearing it.
Because I was a moron and still took you seriously enough to believe it could happen.

you weren't a moron serp

[Name Removed] found me

If you want me to believe a fucking thing you say, prove it.

tell me how to prove he caught me crying up in my room about you, muttering that I was going to die, and I will do it

If you can't prove it, then how convenient, and congratulations, you are the next contestant on The Price is Fucked.

I didn't mean that

I want to know what proof would be sufficent for you

I'll provide it, I just need to know

To let you go, I had to get angry enough at you to cross the line of "Die then. Just don't do it in front of me."
I am not coming back.

That's what I was here to find out, if you ever thought you could

if we coudl be friends in two and a half hyears

years*

Ask me in two and a half years.
Ask me maybe if I made any progress on the fucking Secret Plan.

Will you have?

I mean, the way I'm hearing it

you don't intend to anymore

How the fuck do I know? Maybe if [Name Removed]'s an adventurer too and wants to take your place. Or some other fuck two or three more fucking heartbreaks down the road.

ah, secret plan, but without me

I don't know how to say what I'm feeling right now without sounding like I'm groveling

Well, I don't actually expect you to contact me in two and a half years.
Then don't speak.
You're out of chances.

You give me a day and time, and I'll contact you, on the nose, as long as I know you'll respond

what I won't do is wait around for months and months, never knowing if you're coming back

I'm not coming back.
I'm going the fuck forward.
I'll be a different person in two and a half years.

Then how am I supposed to learn and fix this?

That's on you.
Maybe you should grovel and ask [Name Removed].

the problem is between you and I

I can't fix it if I'm not allowed to try

And I can't make you let me fix it

*sighs out, and twitches her nose, and taps her foot*

Groveling won't help me fix the problem, so I'm going to be blunt about it, and honest

You gave me a chance on valentines, and I blew that

Another around my birthday.

And I lost my last chance two weeks before mine

I ask you to give me until that

until the 20th

to fix this

Life sucks, dunnit.
You don't get free points for bad timing.

I realize, and if I ever did, I definitely used them up

You saw I was making progress the last week or so

I want to show you the progress I made from the lesson you gave me in the last few days

You wanna show up in a plane, I wouldn't have a place to put you, but I could probably figure something out. You going to show up in a plane, presumably at the London airport, tell me when. Day and hour. I'll meet you there. But expect to be searched for weapons and a high level suspect of intent to kill out of vengeance. If you're bluffing, and you've got nothing, don't talk to me. If you piss me off, I will block you, and if you can't give me a date and time on account of being blocked, any semblance of a plan is off.
If you don't already have your ticket, or it isn't nonrefundable, I don't recommend bothering.

If you really think I would lay a hand on you, under any circumstancse, or that I could sneak such a weapon onto a plane, there are other issues at work here, but aside from that, I ripped up the ticket

*laughs like a bark*
Bye, then, Pup.

Serp...

I will buy another if that' what this is about

if that's what it takes to fix this, I will

Nothing will fix this. I'm done waiting.
You failed.

waiting for what?

Tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it, right now

For you to become worth my time.
You failed.
Fuck off.

And me willing to do anything for you doesn't count for anything in this?

Zero.

Loss, Growth, Change

The Pup has left.

He threatened to block me, and I held him to it. One does not make such threats against me and then not follow through. We are partners no more, although if I said he was not still someone I love, I would be lying. May his path shine, always, even though he cannot see it. Glory, victory, to the Sunchild. Away from me, where his parasitic claws can bite and sting no more.

I called upon a bunny boy who catalyzed his departure to walk with me while I dealt, coldly, silently, with my anger, guilt, rage and conflictedness. The bunny boy supplants him after all, it seems, just as he had feared, and indeed, because he had feared, and let the fear turn him into a lashing, biting beast.

Who is the rabbit? Another fur, of course. Local, clever... He tells me my brain is very sexy and challenges him to think constantly. I'm pretty happy about that. I won't say a great deal about him, as I wouldn't want to out him to anyone. That's his own job. It seems that perhaps, though, he may be my gateway into the community properly, as it were.

I have been scattered, as you might expect, but doing job search stuff. Today, as I write this, I am procrastinating on approaching some people in person for information. It will be difficult and stressful, fraught with my anxieties. I can do it... And I intend to do it today. We'll see what happens.

Stay tuned. Life continues to get progressively more interesting.