Counting My Blessings

I'm having a count-my-blessings sort of day, I think. Last night I spoke with a lover I'd been angrily, stubbornly hoping I could improve things with, and told them that I thought I was starting to give up on them. They said they weren't surprised. Somewhat sad, but didn't feel they had the resources to do anything about it and it was somewhat predictable.

I felt restless for a while, but waking up today, I find myself at a turning of chapters. Bittersweet and refreshing. I don't like letting go of the past, but the idea that I really don't know what the future will be and have a fair amount of choice in the matter is... A good thing to come back to like this.

I am being still, so far today. I have spent some time appreciating that my bed is very comfortable and my blankets, when I use all of them, comfortably weighty to snuggle up under. I like this cozy little room in this cozy little house, with queer roommates who, even if I am in conflict with them, do to an appreciable amount of effort not to unduly take it out on me. They aren't perfect of course, but have done a magnificent job of being reasonable roommates who although they're somewhat messy don't make my life needlessly difficult.

I'm grateful for my friends, and the food banks and free meal systems in my city. I know this feeling isn't going to last, I'll come back around to thinking the world sees me as scum and only ever takes care of me out of a sense of reluctant obligation, but right now it seems like quite a few people really are putting some effort into making sure that poor folks like me have good food to eat, even if they don't see how they could ensure anything else for us.

Take It With You

I have no patience for hollow compliments.

If I am worth listening to, listen, even when what I say is hard to hear.

If I am a great philosopher, embrace my ways - use them.

If I am a cunning pathfinder, walk with me through hidden and treacherous ways.

If I am a good cook, then come by my table and eat of my food.

 

If you would give me kind and complimentary words, and then walk away from me unchanged, taking nothing with you...

Then please, spare me.

Spare me the awkward obligation to pretend gratitude and praise you for your shallow, meaningless roleplaying as somebody who gives a fuck.

Oh, and if this leaves you full of awkward silences you don't know what to do with... I have something for you. Forsaking hollow signalling does not mean you must be left without any tricks.

Here is a sentence of great arcane power. It can be pronounced many different ways, to transform an awkward silence into a meaningful one and give you more time to think. It is almost always true when you need it, and it is almost never impolite:

"I don't know what to say."