This post isn't written to Eoin, it's written to me, Serp, in the future when I look back over my blog, with someone else or alone. Hi, Serp.
I've been doing pretty sweet, despite a long stretch of repeatedly very little sleep. Today, I found myself listening to a very cheerful song I like on repeat, and went a surprising length of time without getting sick of it. Instead, I built a happy fantasy around the song. And like last week, I decided that instead of chiding myself for my fantasy and the expression of something I cared about but might never achieve... I would see where I could follow it. In this case, I followed it into the big empty football field near my house where I could expect other people not to hear me talking to myself, imagining something delicious, and deliciously plausible, if not necessarily likely.
I paced, and thought, and recited, arranging the words of a speech. And then I turned back to the song and practiced singing it, until I got through the whole song once or twice, along with the short speech. I came back home, and wrote the speech down.
Serp, I don't know whether you made it back to Athlone or wound up somewhere else. I don't know whether Eoin is with you, or whether he ever will be. But no matter where you are, or who you're near, remember how delicious that idea was. Go back and reread it, if it helps. You have the capacity to dream beautiful dreams. And I know that someday, if you keep trying, you will be able to make some of them a reality.
Maybe the plot I schemed up today doesn't work for you where you are now. Maybe you've seen a flaw in it that I don't see. If this particular one never happens, that's alright. You can think up something else. Something better. Just... remember that it's not a waste of time to dream beautiful dreams. It's not. It gives you ideas about how to get to them. You just have to be willing to look at them in the right way. You need a little hope for a brighter day. A little love to find the way.
And remember the vlogbrothers. Remember ToadyOne. Remember Elon Musk and Eliezer's Harry and Dave Moreland and all the other people who have inspired you. Remember that you don't need to be afraid of them. Follow their lead. Don't Forget To Be Awesome.
Showing posts with label My Secret Plan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Secret Plan. Show all posts
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Friday, August 26, 2016
An Open Love Letter
To my darling Ashlynn...
As I rest here and contemplate the day we've had, listening to you occasionally begin to snore... My feelings are complicated and uncertain. But then, they always are, aren't they? It is not as dramatic as I'm used to. I have a mild headache. I'm slightly tired. I guess I'm content. Nothing flashy, just a gentle, faintly smug feeling that things are all right.
The gratitude was real. The satisfaction of rubbing your feet and knowing that you are appreciating my hands. I am confident that I am doing reasonably well, and that you will miss me when I have to leave, and look back on this time fondly. There has never been any question whether I will miss you.
I am a creature with an extraordinary perspective, and I carry an extraordinary weight. She who helps me shoulder it? That is just one of the things that makes her, too, extraordinary. And yet, we are ordinary within the frames in which we live. You chatting with your friends and co-workers. Me playing Binding of Isaac in idle moments. Sharing music, sharing videos, eating pizza and ice cream. I am reminded of Doctor Who commenting on the beauty and freedom of regular, everyday people, and for once, for a little while, I feel just a little less afraid of age and dying.
I think I will still be afraid of losing you until, one way or another, the last goodbye ever said between us falls on dead ears. In the mean time, fear is balanced and comforted by your presence and your bizarre devotion to this restless wanderer. I dream of journeying with you and do not know, now, what will or won't happen. I have my dreams and so do you, in this strange world of cynicism and conveniences built up on other cynicisms and conveniences through year after year, in this cute little old city, part old and part new. I lay next to you and type. You lay next to me and sleep. You'll work tonight. In another week I'll go home and then it will be months upon months before I will likely touch your face again, but for now I'm here, and the world isn't perfect and dramatic just because I'm here. I am not quite able to whisk you away into a fairytale as much as I might like to.
But you tell me you needed this... Well then, it was worth it, and that's that.
Rest well, my darling.
Perhaps some other day I will hold you to my side when I go, and you will go with me. Not this time.
As I rest here and contemplate the day we've had, listening to you occasionally begin to snore... My feelings are complicated and uncertain. But then, they always are, aren't they? It is not as dramatic as I'm used to. I have a mild headache. I'm slightly tired. I guess I'm content. Nothing flashy, just a gentle, faintly smug feeling that things are all right.
The gratitude was real. The satisfaction of rubbing your feet and knowing that you are appreciating my hands. I am confident that I am doing reasonably well, and that you will miss me when I have to leave, and look back on this time fondly. There has never been any question whether I will miss you.
I am a creature with an extraordinary perspective, and I carry an extraordinary weight. She who helps me shoulder it? That is just one of the things that makes her, too, extraordinary. And yet, we are ordinary within the frames in which we live. You chatting with your friends and co-workers. Me playing Binding of Isaac in idle moments. Sharing music, sharing videos, eating pizza and ice cream. I am reminded of Doctor Who commenting on the beauty and freedom of regular, everyday people, and for once, for a little while, I feel just a little less afraid of age and dying.
I think I will still be afraid of losing you until, one way or another, the last goodbye ever said between us falls on dead ears. In the mean time, fear is balanced and comforted by your presence and your bizarre devotion to this restless wanderer. I dream of journeying with you and do not know, now, what will or won't happen. I have my dreams and so do you, in this strange world of cynicism and conveniences built up on other cynicisms and conveniences through year after year, in this cute little old city, part old and part new. I lay next to you and type. You lay next to me and sleep. You'll work tonight. In another week I'll go home and then it will be months upon months before I will likely touch your face again, but for now I'm here, and the world isn't perfect and dramatic just because I'm here. I am not quite able to whisk you away into a fairytale as much as I might like to.
But you tell me you needed this... Well then, it was worth it, and that's that.
Rest well, my darling.
Perhaps some other day I will hold you to my side when I go, and you will go with me. Not this time.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Dear Diary... I Quit!
After my vacation... Nothing seemed any better at work. I was just as disillusioned, cynical, sick of it, as before, and more so. There was another incident with one of my supervisors... I think I have largely managed not to speak of those here, though I thought about it. Simply put, two of the supervisors I work under have repeatedly treated me and spoken to me with disrespect I am just not willing to put up with... From the tasks I am assigned to and when, to how they respond if ever I question anything they've done.
Not long before my vacation, for example, I got a face full of really bad attitude just for asking, and trying to do it politely, where my supervisor had been, as I had not managed to catch sight of her on the sales floor for the past twenty minutes. I am not claiming necessarily that she was not there; I focus on my work while I am working, and people can sometimes come and go without me noticing them, but there was a point when I was looking for her actively, to deal with something that required a supervisor, and could not find her. I got no answer, just assertions that she knew what she was doing, for my information. Of course, the problem was that I didn't. Know what she was doing, that is. Or where she could be found.
This example is on the extreme end, but archetypal. I have brought up my issues with management before... The result tended to be that some meeting was had, behavior improved for about two weeks, and then everything slowly returned to the way it had been, disrespect included.
This has not been the only problem I've had with my job, that's made me more and more irritable with work since last September, but it's one of the easiest ones to remember and brood over, and after the newest incident, which I will not detail here, I decided I had had too much already, and was not prepared to take any more.
So I came in on a day I was not working for a meeting with the management. I asked to be placed in the processing room instead of in sales, exclusively and as soon as possible. Several days later when the head manager was available to talk to me, she explained to me politely why she would be unable to transfer me exclusively as I had requested. And I responded by stating politely that I would like to officially resign from my position. I had a resignation letter penned, signed, dated and in her mailbox the same day.
I have worked two shifts since then. After all, it's legal imperative and good form to give two weeks notice before actually leaving. Those two days, I've had a lightness in my step and a glee in my heart. Several customers have commented on my excellent customer service, and one even bought me a coffee. I am very glad to be leaving.
Funnily enough, both of my problem supervisors reacted with shock when I told them I was quitting, and almost immediately asked, "But why?". I kept diplomatically silent or evasive. I'm escaping from my troubles there, no need to make a scene and make enemies. It's not as though it's a secret that I've had troubles with them, but my experiences have told me that they don't accept or listen to direct criticism, so it doesn't seem there's any point in confronting them. It would be a waste of my time and energy.
Instead, I've been fantasizing and dreaming in my head about business ideas I would love to bring to fruition, and how. I don't actually think about college itself that much yet; I'm sure I will as September gets closer. I hope I will keep dreaming and fantasizing and fleshing out my plans, though, up until college and all the way through it. My studies should teach me enough practical skills to get those dreams started. I will likely begin some of the early steps while I am schooling. I look forward to it, and again and again I repeat to myself how much more skilled and more competent I've become. I don't have to put up with disrespect or answer to bosses who won't answer to me. I could find a better place to work, but I think I'd rather make one. I am already reading books that should help me.
The plot is afoot.
Not long before my vacation, for example, I got a face full of really bad attitude just for asking, and trying to do it politely, where my supervisor had been, as I had not managed to catch sight of her on the sales floor for the past twenty minutes. I am not claiming necessarily that she was not there; I focus on my work while I am working, and people can sometimes come and go without me noticing them, but there was a point when I was looking for her actively, to deal with something that required a supervisor, and could not find her. I got no answer, just assertions that she knew what she was doing, for my information. Of course, the problem was that I didn't. Know what she was doing, that is. Or where she could be found.
This example is on the extreme end, but archetypal. I have brought up my issues with management before... The result tended to be that some meeting was had, behavior improved for about two weeks, and then everything slowly returned to the way it had been, disrespect included.
This has not been the only problem I've had with my job, that's made me more and more irritable with work since last September, but it's one of the easiest ones to remember and brood over, and after the newest incident, which I will not detail here, I decided I had had too much already, and was not prepared to take any more.
So I came in on a day I was not working for a meeting with the management. I asked to be placed in the processing room instead of in sales, exclusively and as soon as possible. Several days later when the head manager was available to talk to me, she explained to me politely why she would be unable to transfer me exclusively as I had requested. And I responded by stating politely that I would like to officially resign from my position. I had a resignation letter penned, signed, dated and in her mailbox the same day.
I have worked two shifts since then. After all, it's legal imperative and good form to give two weeks notice before actually leaving. Those two days, I've had a lightness in my step and a glee in my heart. Several customers have commented on my excellent customer service, and one even bought me a coffee. I am very glad to be leaving.
Funnily enough, both of my problem supervisors reacted with shock when I told them I was quitting, and almost immediately asked, "But why?". I kept diplomatically silent or evasive. I'm escaping from my troubles there, no need to make a scene and make enemies. It's not as though it's a secret that I've had troubles with them, but my experiences have told me that they don't accept or listen to direct criticism, so it doesn't seem there's any point in confronting them. It would be a waste of my time and energy.
Instead, I've been fantasizing and dreaming in my head about business ideas I would love to bring to fruition, and how. I don't actually think about college itself that much yet; I'm sure I will as September gets closer. I hope I will keep dreaming and fantasizing and fleshing out my plans, though, up until college and all the way through it. My studies should teach me enough practical skills to get those dreams started. I will likely begin some of the early steps while I am schooling. I look forward to it, and again and again I repeat to myself how much more skilled and more competent I've become. I don't have to put up with disrespect or answer to bosses who won't answer to me. I could find a better place to work, but I think I'd rather make one. I am already reading books that should help me.
The plot is afoot.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Becoming Spring
Hello, World.
It's nice to see you without your snow on, for a change.
Last week, for the first time in several months, I chose to go for a very long walk just because I felt like it and the weather was nice enough to be worth walking outside in. My legs got a little sore, but it felt wonderful to have done. The slow and late coming of spring has been noted by many, and every day I'm at work I hear people talking about how tired they are of winter.
I look forward with quiet anticipation to days when I can sell my boyfriend on a walk down a nearby forest path, or a picnic in the graveyard. I intend to try a little gardening, too, once the ground is done being frozen. I will finally be able to get some use out of those seeds I bought at the dollar store last year.
Yesterday, I bought a long, low set of shelves (three planes) from work for $8, and carried it home by hand. Finally, my books are arranged on shelves rather than in boxes, and I have been greatly appreciating the change in atmosphere. It also takes up less space and is much more accessible. I expect I may end up reading a fair bit more with my books now always flaunting their titles at me when I glance up from my laptop. I also look forward to reading aloud to my online friends again during our Skype calls, something they claim to have much enjoyed. They tell me I have a very nice reading voice and encourage me to consider making more use of it, perhaps even doing some reading or voice-acting professionally if that can be done with my limited technology. I hope I remember to try.
I did a fair bit of cooking today, making two meals for my Robbit and myself: pancakes, and a baked chicken dinner with boiled carrots and mashed potatoes. It's probably the nicest home-cooked dinner we've had in several weeks, if not ever. I even got around to cleaning the most accessible parts of the counter.
I woke up early and well-rested today, and I remember feeling afraid that I would fail to make use of the day. I didn't want to face the responsibility for choosing how to spend my own time. But I guess I didn't do too bad, looking back, huh. I'm probably still insane, but I'm a kind of insane that can be pretty functional sometimes, maybe. Don't know how I feel about that. It's an annoying obligation, the responsibility that comes with ability. Oh, well.
I've been supporting my Robbit through some tough financial times due to a problem getting finances for rent from Ontario Works for the month of March, which is late now. He's getting behind on some things, which I'm sure has been a stress for him, on top of the difficulties of convincing himself to job search and such.
Oh! Also, I want to mention this, so that I can remind myself when I come back and re-read it. During that long walk I mentioned, I had a rather inspired idea. I'm going to keep the details to myself for now, but it involves writing. I really hope I get it finished so I can share it. It would be so lovely if it happens.
It's nice to see you without your snow on, for a change.
Last week, for the first time in several months, I chose to go for a very long walk just because I felt like it and the weather was nice enough to be worth walking outside in. My legs got a little sore, but it felt wonderful to have done. The slow and late coming of spring has been noted by many, and every day I'm at work I hear people talking about how tired they are of winter.
I look forward with quiet anticipation to days when I can sell my boyfriend on a walk down a nearby forest path, or a picnic in the graveyard. I intend to try a little gardening, too, once the ground is done being frozen. I will finally be able to get some use out of those seeds I bought at the dollar store last year.
Yesterday, I bought a long, low set of shelves (three planes) from work for $8, and carried it home by hand. Finally, my books are arranged on shelves rather than in boxes, and I have been greatly appreciating the change in atmosphere. It also takes up less space and is much more accessible. I expect I may end up reading a fair bit more with my books now always flaunting their titles at me when I glance up from my laptop. I also look forward to reading aloud to my online friends again during our Skype calls, something they claim to have much enjoyed. They tell me I have a very nice reading voice and encourage me to consider making more use of it, perhaps even doing some reading or voice-acting professionally if that can be done with my limited technology. I hope I remember to try.
I did a fair bit of cooking today, making two meals for my Robbit and myself: pancakes, and a baked chicken dinner with boiled carrots and mashed potatoes. It's probably the nicest home-cooked dinner we've had in several weeks, if not ever. I even got around to cleaning the most accessible parts of the counter.
I woke up early and well-rested today, and I remember feeling afraid that I would fail to make use of the day. I didn't want to face the responsibility for choosing how to spend my own time. But I guess I didn't do too bad, looking back, huh. I'm probably still insane, but I'm a kind of insane that can be pretty functional sometimes, maybe. Don't know how I feel about that. It's an annoying obligation, the responsibility that comes with ability. Oh, well.
I've been supporting my Robbit through some tough financial times due to a problem getting finances for rent from Ontario Works for the month of March, which is late now. He's getting behind on some things, which I'm sure has been a stress for him, on top of the difficulties of convincing himself to job search and such.
Oh! Also, I want to mention this, so that I can remind myself when I come back and re-read it. During that long walk I mentioned, I had a rather inspired idea. I'm going to keep the details to myself for now, but it involves writing. I really hope I get it finished so I can share it. It would be so lovely if it happens.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Left Forgotten
Wow. Yeah. I really did completely miss October of this year.
Well, there goes my streak of updating this thing at least once every calendar month, huh? Ah, well. I'll start again. Everyone makes mistakes.
You know, I had been meaning to come back and talk to you unseen eyes for a while now, but it always just seemed like I didn't have a good stopping point. Everything was up in the air, and reporting on my current status would give no closure, because I didn't have much. It's silly, in retrospect. I think some of my best writing on this blog has been from when I've been uncertain about the future.
So. October. I spent most of September desperately trying to find a place to move into for October. It didn't work. Me and Robby were turned down everywhere we applied, for various reasons. We suspected that the reasons were largely due to us being a couple, and therefore perceived as less financially stable than a single person with high earnings. So, he asked his current landlord for permission to stay where he was already, and continue to pay rent month by month for now, and I started looking for a place where I might be able to do the same thing. That way, once he was working again and had passed his three month probation, having been fired early September at the end of his last one (likely part of the reason for our rejections), we could look for a place to rent together with little to no time pressure, and wait to find a good place that would accept us, then move out of our flexible month to month situations only once we had found one.
I asked my roommate to let me stay at the apartment for the month of October even though my term on the lease was over, and offered to pay him the same amount in rent that I had been contributing when it was just us two... Despite the fact that his new girlfriend was now living there, too. He accepted, and I resumed the search for a place, but to move into for November. With the help of his girlfriend's mom, I found the place I am sitting in now. A bedroom in the fairly posh basement of a nice couple's house. I have my own bedroom across an open living room that the landlord sometimes walks through to use the laundry facilities down here. I share the upstairs kitchen. It's quite nice and very affordable, but I need to ask permission to have folks over. I've had Robby over to visit twice, under the restriction that he needs to leave by 11 PM.
My position at Goodwill continues to gradually accrue age and experience. I've been working there I think six months now, and I feel generally quite competent at almost every part of my job... The big exception being confrontation with difficult customers and thieves. While my social anxiety has not been crippling me nearly as badly now that I have the confidence of a job in which my work is appreciated and I've passed my probation, and a house that shows no sign, thank goodness, of being infested with blood-sucking bed bugs (I must have done a fairly good job of getting them out of all my things when I moved), but still, being faced with a particularly difficult or conflict-ridden social situation paralyzes me. Thankfully, my workmates are generally understanding, and can accept that it's not something I'm good at, so take the burden off me somewhat.
Though I am usually fairly happy at work, and my new place is safe, much more comfortable, and very convenient, I grow restless. I had feared, before finding employment, that if I was employed, I might become complacent with my passionate socialist ideals among other things... And to a degree, that's proven valid. My perspective is very different now that I'm making money and am not just on welfare. However, when I think about what I believe should be, much of it is still the same. I still think that welfare would work better, and people would be better off, if basic essentials were available without cost. Now, though, I look at a different set of advantages to the thought. It would be harder to defraud or take advantage of the welfare system, as well, if it offered you goods, shelter and services directly, rather than through money allowances. It's a lot harder and much more work to get simple food and goods and have to sell them somehow to get easily exchangeable money to spend on luxuries that the benefit wasn't intended for. Or, indeed, drugs or alcohol, for that matter. I imagine people who do have their own income stream would far less often bother to do that than to fraudulently claim money benefits they are not entitled to, as they might do now.
I've also been reading a little bit about becoming rich through real estate and stock market investments.
Yes, I know. Funny how much things can change, right? I'm seeing more of the picture now, because I'm seeing a lot more of a side I wasn't able to before. I'm trying not to lose sight of my old thoughts and the things that made them valid, too, though.
My half-brother emailed me yesterday asking how my life has been, and commented that he had been to check out this blog to find out, but there were no recent entries. So, if you've been missing my blog entries, you can thank him for reminding me to return and talk about how things have been.
I'm still getting used to working, and I'm trying to make up my mind whether or not it's okay for me to wait longer to become more secure and save up more money before I start doing interesting things. Probably not. It's just a matter of remembering that some of the interesting things I want to do don't take much money, and getting out and doing them.
We'll see how it goes.
Live on, bloggers.
Well, there goes my streak of updating this thing at least once every calendar month, huh? Ah, well. I'll start again. Everyone makes mistakes.
You know, I had been meaning to come back and talk to you unseen eyes for a while now, but it always just seemed like I didn't have a good stopping point. Everything was up in the air, and reporting on my current status would give no closure, because I didn't have much. It's silly, in retrospect. I think some of my best writing on this blog has been from when I've been uncertain about the future.
So. October. I spent most of September desperately trying to find a place to move into for October. It didn't work. Me and Robby were turned down everywhere we applied, for various reasons. We suspected that the reasons were largely due to us being a couple, and therefore perceived as less financially stable than a single person with high earnings. So, he asked his current landlord for permission to stay where he was already, and continue to pay rent month by month for now, and I started looking for a place where I might be able to do the same thing. That way, once he was working again and had passed his three month probation, having been fired early September at the end of his last one (likely part of the reason for our rejections), we could look for a place to rent together with little to no time pressure, and wait to find a good place that would accept us, then move out of our flexible month to month situations only once we had found one.
I asked my roommate to let me stay at the apartment for the month of October even though my term on the lease was over, and offered to pay him the same amount in rent that I had been contributing when it was just us two... Despite the fact that his new girlfriend was now living there, too. He accepted, and I resumed the search for a place, but to move into for November. With the help of his girlfriend's mom, I found the place I am sitting in now. A bedroom in the fairly posh basement of a nice couple's house. I have my own bedroom across an open living room that the landlord sometimes walks through to use the laundry facilities down here. I share the upstairs kitchen. It's quite nice and very affordable, but I need to ask permission to have folks over. I've had Robby over to visit twice, under the restriction that he needs to leave by 11 PM.
My position at Goodwill continues to gradually accrue age and experience. I've been working there I think six months now, and I feel generally quite competent at almost every part of my job... The big exception being confrontation with difficult customers and thieves. While my social anxiety has not been crippling me nearly as badly now that I have the confidence of a job in which my work is appreciated and I've passed my probation, and a house that shows no sign, thank goodness, of being infested with blood-sucking bed bugs (I must have done a fairly good job of getting them out of all my things when I moved), but still, being faced with a particularly difficult or conflict-ridden social situation paralyzes me. Thankfully, my workmates are generally understanding, and can accept that it's not something I'm good at, so take the burden off me somewhat.
Though I am usually fairly happy at work, and my new place is safe, much more comfortable, and very convenient, I grow restless. I had feared, before finding employment, that if I was employed, I might become complacent with my passionate socialist ideals among other things... And to a degree, that's proven valid. My perspective is very different now that I'm making money and am not just on welfare. However, when I think about what I believe should be, much of it is still the same. I still think that welfare would work better, and people would be better off, if basic essentials were available without cost. Now, though, I look at a different set of advantages to the thought. It would be harder to defraud or take advantage of the welfare system, as well, if it offered you goods, shelter and services directly, rather than through money allowances. It's a lot harder and much more work to get simple food and goods and have to sell them somehow to get easily exchangeable money to spend on luxuries that the benefit wasn't intended for. Or, indeed, drugs or alcohol, for that matter. I imagine people who do have their own income stream would far less often bother to do that than to fraudulently claim money benefits they are not entitled to, as they might do now.
I've also been reading a little bit about becoming rich through real estate and stock market investments.
Yes, I know. Funny how much things can change, right? I'm seeing more of the picture now, because I'm seeing a lot more of a side I wasn't able to before. I'm trying not to lose sight of my old thoughts and the things that made them valid, too, though.
My half-brother emailed me yesterday asking how my life has been, and commented that he had been to check out this blog to find out, but there were no recent entries. So, if you've been missing my blog entries, you can thank him for reminding me to return and talk about how things have been.
I'm still getting used to working, and I'm trying to make up my mind whether or not it's okay for me to wait longer to become more secure and save up more money before I start doing interesting things. Probably not. It's just a matter of remembering that some of the interesting things I want to do don't take much money, and getting out and doing them.
We'll see how it goes.
Live on, bloggers.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Indomitable
My feet are still recovering from the intense soreness of wearing unaccustomed shoes for six hours, most of it spent walking at work and walking home from work. My boyfriend was laid off yesterday and I have no idea whether our rental application for the house we want to live in together will be approved in light of this. I'm not sure whether my own job with Goodwill will end with my end of probation assessment like Robby's did, or continue. And yet. I'm smiling today.
I was smiling even before I got online and discovered that the solo play-by-post D&D game I've been participating in for two years on and off has reached a head in the most awesome of ways. I was smiling while I was walking home noticing that the seam in the left side of my left shoe was starting to hurt my flesh and thinking to myself I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I took it off to see blood there.
Somehow, this time of trials is only waking me up and making me feel strong and ready for the adventure. I have faced worse than this, and I will face this too. I will be there for Robby and help him find work again. I will support us in the interim, whether we have to look for a different place from the one we were hoping for or not. Even if I lose my own job... I'll find another one. The stakes are high. The race is staggering. The stage is set...
And I am afraid...
And I will be victorious.
I was smiling even before I got online and discovered that the solo play-by-post D&D game I've been participating in for two years on and off has reached a head in the most awesome of ways. I was smiling while I was walking home noticing that the seam in the left side of my left shoe was starting to hurt my flesh and thinking to myself I wouldn't be terribly surprised if I took it off to see blood there.
Somehow, this time of trials is only waking me up and making me feel strong and ready for the adventure. I have faced worse than this, and I will face this too. I will be there for Robby and help him find work again. I will support us in the interim, whether we have to look for a different place from the one we were hoping for or not. Even if I lose my own job... I'll find another one. The stakes are high. The race is staggering. The stage is set...
And I am afraid...
And I will be victorious.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
One More Last Conversation
(uncut conversation from my chat history on gmail, names censored out and timestamps removed)
(Pup's text is in yellow, mine is in red)
[Name Removed] is inviting you to use Google voice and video chat. Get started at http://www.google.com/chat/video
(16 minutes pass)
[Name Removed], I don't think you want to hear from me, but there are some things larger than you and I that need to be talked about
We've got six people waiting for us to put aside this nonsense and either figure out how we're going to do dnd, or not do dnd, without you, and we have the issue of my plane ticket to discuss
I don't know what you're talking about, but you might have considered it before you pushed the "leave" button. You're not my responsibility anymore.
I'm not here to assign blame, one way or another. We both made stupid decisions and held one another to words said in pain
I'm not asking you to do this for me
do it for [Name Removed] and [Name Removed] and [Name Removed] and [Name Removed] and [Name Removed]
Another word about it, and I'll block you here too.Don't think I won't.
Anyone who wants to talk to me about D&D or anything else is perfectly free to do so on their own accord. They've got my Skype.
And if they don't, you can give it to them.
as for the issue of the plane ticket that was meant to bring me up there on my birthday, 15 days from now?
No-one told me about it.
Correct, it was my secret plan
huh, interesting that - crosse out the text
Yeah. Italics uses underscores.Like this.
kk
so yes, when I said I could help out with the secret plan, I really meant it
I was prepared to be up there, come hell or high water
Too bad you broke it. Again. By acting out and I guess expecting to be rewarded for things there was no way I could possibly have known you were doing. Again.
No, I don't expect a reward, I should have been upfront and said why I was so upset
You do tend to have a habit of pushing me well past the breaking point right when you allegedly had something great around the corner.
you're right, I do, and that's because I get stressed about the great thing
I have no reason to believe you, Pup. Your "I'm leaving" was a bluff. A bluff to hurt and punish me.As were threats to die that night.
As, I have no reason to disbelieve, is this.
The threats were real, and not meant to hurt you, I was trying to express how much I depended on the positives you did for me, and how, even upset like that, I knew they weren't worth losing
and I didn't stop myself from letting that happen
I got angry and vunerable
and I realize that cost me our relationship, if we still had one at that point
I think that's why I kept going, I felt like it was lost anyway
but regardless, I'm not here to ask for that back
I feel like you've made it clear that you don't care about me in that way anymore, and if that's not the case, feel free to speak up
what I'm here to ask is, does the last six months really have to go up in smoke like this, over something as pointless as this?
your feelings aren't pointless
but in a more rational state of mind, to me, me being second or first is pointless
what matters, and what should have mattered at the time, was that you put any time into me
Come to the point, you fuck. If you have practical matters to discuss, discuss them before you lose the chance. Or you will. You have been warned.
I want to go back to being friends. I know I hurt you, and I can't excuse that. I want to believe you still care about me, and that's why I spent the last few days thinking about what all of this cost me. I can't learn anything if I'm not let back in, and it's not your job to let me learn anything, but what you said that night seemed to me to be an indication that you hoped i learned from my mistakes and fixed them
Three.
Three?
*nods, and glares calmly*
+is worried that there is now a limit on how much time I have, or how many words I can say+ I shouldn't have blocked you, and I shouldn't have said it would be permanent. What I needed, and I see it now and didn't then, was time away from you, to appreciate you properly again. I got addicted to having you around, and I was paniciking at even the slightest reduction, not thinking that it would be far worse to go without you, because you can't be replaced
Two. *snarls softly, wonders if you've ever played KOTOR*
I have, and if I have a right to ask, could you please explain what the counting is for, so that I know where I'm making a mistake (unless the point is pattern recognition)
It seems like it might be every time I ask for you to come back into my life, but I'm unsure
I am counting down. I reach zero, you're blocked. Practical matters, Pup. None of this groveling.
thank you. the practical matter is that I miss doing things like hanging out watching Grimith with you, playing Dnd and Diablo 2 with you, and just having someone smart to talk to, and I'm here to ask if we can have that back, or if even that is gone forever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pRziqt-LqY
Which one of us is the dumped?
I wouldn't blame you or say you're wrong eithr way
Who's the one asking and groveling for forgiveness?
I am.
You figure it the fuck out.
+chuckle+ I think that, in the context of this, it was you
you'r the one who I think was hurt the most
I'm not sure I see it.
You were trying to make things work for me, bending over backwards to help me, when I was being a bitch and clawing at you and ran
I was being an ass, and I thought I was doing the right thing by up and leaving, but I should have said that, not turned it into a threat
One./me sighs.
I have something for you.
Yes?
There was a song I wanted to sing you, remember? That I thought you could really stand to hear. This is that song. Video, then lyrics page.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUlHcehNRPQ
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/dave+matthews+band/pig_20036493.html
The night you left me, I was afraid you might die before hearing it.
Because I was a moron and still took you seriously enough to believe it could happen.
you weren't a moron serp
[Name Removed] found me
If you want me to believe a fucking thing you say, prove it.
I am not coming back.
Ask me maybe if I made any progress on the fucking Secret Plan.
Then don't speak.
You're out of chances.
I'm going the fuck forward.
I'll be a different person in two and a half years.
Maybe you should grovel and ask [Name Removed].
You don't get free points for bad timing.
If you don't already have your ticket, or it isn't nonrefundable, I don't recommend bothering.
Bye, then, Pup.
You failed.
You failed.
Fuck off.
tell me how to prove he caught me crying up in my room about you, muttering that I was going to die, and I will do it
If you can't prove it, then how convenient, and congratulations, you are the next contestant on The Price is Fucked.
I didn't mean that
I want to know what proof would be sufficent for you
I'll provide it, I just need to know
To let you go, I had to get angry enough at you to cross the line of "Die then. Just don't do it in front of me."I am not coming back.
That's what I was here to find out, if you ever thought you could
if we coudl be friends in two and a half hyears
years*
Ask me in two and a half years.Ask me maybe if I made any progress on the fucking Secret Plan.
Will you have?
I mean, the way I'm hearing it
you don't intend to anymore
How the fuck do I know? Maybe if [Name Removed]'s an adventurer too and wants to take your place. Or some other fuck two or three more fucking heartbreaks down the road.
ah, secret plan, but without me
I don't know how to say what I'm feeling right now without sounding like I'm groveling
Well, I don't actually expect you to contact me in two and a half years.Then don't speak.
You're out of chances.
You give me a day and time, and I'll contact you, on the nose, as long as I know you'll respond
what I won't do is wait around for months and months, never knowing if you're coming back
I'm not coming back.I'm going the fuck forward.
I'll be a different person in two and a half years.
Then how am I supposed to learn and fix this?
That's on you.Maybe you should grovel and ask [Name Removed].
the problem is between you and I
I can't fix it if I'm not allowed to try
And I can't make you let me fix it
*sighs out, and twitches her nose, and taps her foot*
Groveling won't help me fix the problem, so I'm going to be blunt about it, and honest
You gave me a chance on valentines, and I blew that
Another around my birthday.
And I lost my last chance two weeks before mine
I ask you to give me until that
until the 20th
to fix this
Life sucks, dunnit.You don't get free points for bad timing.
I realize, and if I ever did, I definitely used them up
You saw I was making progress the last week or so
I want to show you the progress I made from the lesson you gave me in the last few days
You wanna show up in a plane, I wouldn't have a place to put you, but I could probably figure something out. You going to show up in a plane, presumably at the London airport, tell me when. Day and hour. I'll meet you there. But expect to be searched for weapons and a high level suspect of intent to kill out of vengeance. If you're bluffing, and you've got nothing, don't talk to me. If you piss me off, I will block you, and if you can't give me a date and time on account of being blocked, any semblance of a plan is off.If you don't already have your ticket, or it isn't nonrefundable, I don't recommend bothering.
If you really think I would lay a hand on you, under any circumstancse, or that I could sneak such a weapon onto a plane, there are other issues at work here, but aside from that, I ripped up the ticket
*laughs like a bark*Bye, then, Pup.
Serp...
I will buy another if that' what this is about
if that's what it takes to fix this, I will
Nothing will fix this. I'm done waiting.You failed.
waiting for what?
Tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it, right now
For you to become worth my time.You failed.
Fuck off.
And me willing to do anything for you doesn't count for anything in this?
Zero.Friday, May 3, 2013
Loss, Growth, Change
The Pup has left.
He threatened to block me, and I held him to it. One does not make such threats against me and then not follow through. We are partners no more, although if I said he was not still someone I love, I would be lying. May his path shine, always, even though he cannot see it. Glory, victory, to the Sunchild. Away from me, where his parasitic claws can bite and sting no more.
I called upon a bunny boy who catalyzed his departure to walk with me while I dealt, coldly, silently, with my anger, guilt, rage and conflictedness. The bunny boy supplants him after all, it seems, just as he had feared, and indeed, because he had feared, and let the fear turn him into a lashing, biting beast.
Who is the rabbit? Another fur, of course. Local, clever... He tells me my brain is very sexy and challenges him to think constantly. I'm pretty happy about that. I won't say a great deal about him, as I wouldn't want to out him to anyone. That's his own job. It seems that perhaps, though, he may be my gateway into the community properly, as it were.
I have been scattered, as you might expect, but doing job search stuff. Today, as I write this, I am procrastinating on approaching some people in person for information. It will be difficult and stressful, fraught with my anxieties. I can do it... And I intend to do it today. We'll see what happens.
Stay tuned. Life continues to get progressively more interesting.
He threatened to block me, and I held him to it. One does not make such threats against me and then not follow through. We are partners no more, although if I said he was not still someone I love, I would be lying. May his path shine, always, even though he cannot see it. Glory, victory, to the Sunchild. Away from me, where his parasitic claws can bite and sting no more.
I called upon a bunny boy who catalyzed his departure to walk with me while I dealt, coldly, silently, with my anger, guilt, rage and conflictedness. The bunny boy supplants him after all, it seems, just as he had feared, and indeed, because he had feared, and let the fear turn him into a lashing, biting beast.
Who is the rabbit? Another fur, of course. Local, clever... He tells me my brain is very sexy and challenges him to think constantly. I'm pretty happy about that. I won't say a great deal about him, as I wouldn't want to out him to anyone. That's his own job. It seems that perhaps, though, he may be my gateway into the community properly, as it were.
I have been scattered, as you might expect, but doing job search stuff. Today, as I write this, I am procrastinating on approaching some people in person for information. It will be difficult and stressful, fraught with my anxieties. I can do it... And I intend to do it today. We'll see what happens.
Stay tuned. Life continues to get progressively more interesting.
Friday, April 19, 2013
A Forest of Sticks
I did two hours of job searching on Kijiji this Tuesday... It must have been effective. I had an interview yesterday morning, and was requested to go to two this morning. I had an offer to make some money distributing flyers to mail boxes, and have a training day next Thursday.The flood of responses is unprecedented. However, I don't really know how to ace the interviews yet. I hope I will do well in some of them. I am signed up for Job Finding Workshop Thursday afternoons at Goodwill and I have a one to one appointment next Wednesday with one of the staff there. I met an interesting and dynamic person at the workshop that I chatted to about Pokemon and D&D and got the contact information of so we could talk more. I'm going to have to practice promoting myself and answering interview questions at my mirror.
The weather has gotten warmer and it really feels like spring now. Pleasant breezes and warm sun dominate the weather. I got a sun burn while handing out flyers for 45 minutes on Wednesday. Despite the warmth, though, no leaves are on the deciduous trees yet. The evergreens are, as ever, green, but wherever I would expect foliage, I see a forest of sticks. It feels mildly disconcerting, but perhaps it is not time for them to be budding yet.
In other news, I have started a new hobby I've been meaning to take up for some time, Let's Playing. For the first time ever there are uploads on my YouTube page. I'm playing a game called Heroine Iysayana, which is a trilogy of JRPG spoofs make in RPG Maker available for free. There are a couple of other LPs of it online already, but at this point, it's become such a popular hobby that it's very hard to find games that haven't been done. Regardless, I'm having fun, despite the strange quirks of my system's audio and trying to figure out how to get the game to behave properly and how to record both game and microphone sound without either being too loud or having to deal with multi-channel recording and editing I don't know how to do yet. So far, I realize my recordings are rough, but I am having fun anyway.
I've been very busy, and I have to go out to my interview soon, but I really wanted to update this and let anyone who reads it know what's been new in my life. Perhaps I'll soon have work... really, this time... and be able to tell you about my new job soon. Here's hoping.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words. Please do feel free to comment if you have anything to say. Despite getting a modest stream of views now, apparently, I still don't have a single comment on any of my blog posts.
The weather has gotten warmer and it really feels like spring now. Pleasant breezes and warm sun dominate the weather. I got a sun burn while handing out flyers for 45 minutes on Wednesday. Despite the warmth, though, no leaves are on the deciduous trees yet. The evergreens are, as ever, green, but wherever I would expect foliage, I see a forest of sticks. It feels mildly disconcerting, but perhaps it is not time for them to be budding yet.
In other news, I have started a new hobby I've been meaning to take up for some time, Let's Playing. For the first time ever there are uploads on my YouTube page. I'm playing a game called Heroine Iysayana, which is a trilogy of JRPG spoofs make in RPG Maker available for free. There are a couple of other LPs of it online already, but at this point, it's become such a popular hobby that it's very hard to find games that haven't been done. Regardless, I'm having fun, despite the strange quirks of my system's audio and trying to figure out how to get the game to behave properly and how to record both game and microphone sound without either being too loud or having to deal with multi-channel recording and editing I don't know how to do yet. So far, I realize my recordings are rough, but I am having fun anyway.
I've been very busy, and I have to go out to my interview soon, but I really wanted to update this and let anyone who reads it know what's been new in my life. Perhaps I'll soon have work... really, this time... and be able to tell you about my new job soon. Here's hoping.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words. Please do feel free to comment if you have anything to say. Despite getting a modest stream of views now, apparently, I still don't have a single comment on any of my blog posts.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Arrrgh!!
Well. That could have gone better.
I realize that not everyone may have the context for that remark. Let me fill you in. I had a job interview today. 'Nuff said? Well too bad, I'm going to say more anyway.
I had been sending a lot of applications to this company on their own special online job board thingamajig, and happily enough, someone actually called me - it happened to be while I was about to walk into the food bank, a few days ago, so I did a phone interview outside, and it went well. I took a while to think before answering some questions and it was hard to hear the lady on the phone, but we got through it. I just needed her to repeat a few things. And she set me up an appointment to go to an interview today. Great!
I spent the weekend looking forward to it, thinking, relaxing, arguing with my boyfriend as usual and rolling up random D&D characters. It's been a while since I've done that. I went price shopping online, and attempted to do so in person, but that didn't work out too well, for hard hats and steel-toed shoes, as the phone interviewer had informed me I'd need them for work if I got the job. I sent my price quotes from the internet to Ontario Works requesting funding for job search related equipment... and told a bunch of my friends about it with excitement , getting nearly half a dozen people wishing me good luck and success.
And now the day has come. I had a good feeling about this, and was optimistic... even confident! I got my references printed and called up the only one I hadn't contacted by email to notify her and make sure handing her name in was all okay. Yep, no problem there. I gave myself a bit of praise after the phonecall, despite being in a public place where people could hear me: "You did it! Yay! Well done..." Phonecalls always stress me out. Calling people I haven't spoken to in ages, much moreso.
I dressed up really nice in a collared shirt tucked into snugly fitting black pants. I cleaned my shoes, which had gotten a bit grungy, and even tried buffing them with a rag and some vegetable oil in the hopes it would bring out a bit of a shine. I realize this is not normally the way to oil shoes, but it doesn't seem to have turned out badly. I prepared my padded folder with my resume and references, packed an assortment of things I'd need into the purse I never use unless I want to look professional, donned my business jacket and headed out to get there early... So early, in fact, that I had half an hour to kill before showing up, so I hung out in a nearby bank, chatting with Damon on the phone, and used the bathroom at a restaurant, until it was a quarter to my appointment, and I headed in.
And the place was pleasant, and the many staff members I saw made every move to be friendly and helpful. My interviewer showed up with a warm and welcoming smile and brought me with polite smalltalk to the staff training area, a cozy place with lockers and paper notes stuck on cabinets, and a handful of smiling workers on break. We sat down in a small room to do the interview proper, two interviewers with bundles of papers and pens to take notes, and me, across the table from them. I handed them my updated resume and pointed out that I had taken a First Aid and CPR course since submitting the one online that they already had. Then came the questions. For the first several, I gave good, solid answers that I'm sure were pretty close to ideal. How do I present myself to customers, knowing I'm the last contact they may have with us? With a smile. Always with a smile. The interviewer who'd come to get me seemed to beam while writing my answers, or whatever other observations she was making, down.
I feel I should have mentioned something specifically about dealing with the specific complaints when asked what I'd do if a customer approached me rudely with complaints about a product, rather than only saying I'd take a breath, talk to them calmly, and try to smile anyway if I could, get through it... But that wasn't the big mistake.
I was asked how I've dealt with tasks that required both speed and accuracy, and I froze for a moment, unable to think of one. This would have been fine, if I hadn't grasped for the first answer to come to mind: cleaning... And spoken about how in housekeeping, I was great at being thorough, which makes for a comparable attribute to accuracy, I suppose, but could lag behind sometimes... But getting faster was probably just a matter of learning. After that answer, my interviewers said they had no more questions, and closed their interview booklets, though there looked to be quite a few pages left, and the announcement was abrupt. They asked me if I had any questions myself, and I was startled and grasped again... So I asked about how long it would be before I should expect to hear back from someone, and who I'd be hearing back from if I was contacted. Which is a fair question. I'm not disappointed about that. We chatted a little about the extra paperwork that hiring season meant for them, and I was escorted to the exit. It wasn't until I left the building that I realized I'd forgotten to hand them the sheet of references I'd gone out of my way to contact and prepare, and we hadn't touched on the two pieces of I.D. I had been asked to bring to the interview... And hadn't someone said something about "training", not just an interview?
Arrgh... I guess I just got nervous, and flubbed up. I felt embarrassed failure heavy on my shoulders as I left... I automatically turned toward the bus stop... But turned myself around again to buy some milk I knew I needed from a grocery store which happened to be right next to it... And after walking past the store again, and half way down the block... I realized I really was running away in a panic, ruminating that I'd ruined everything and it was too late to go back now.
So I stopped, and I turned around again, and I walked back to the store, and approached the lady at customer service that I'd approached originally, no doubt blushing, and admitted I'd forgotten to give the interviewers my reference sheet. She called them for me, took it, and promised to give it to them, and I skulked off again... but at least it was possible now that my work updating the sheet and calling my old volunteer manager wasn't entirely wasted. I left the building for a second time feeling like I had failed, but at least won the booby prize for facing my fears and facing up to a silly mistake... This is probably cognitive behavioral therapy.
So, let me take a moment to review my performance here, and note on the failures, and on the successes of today's interview...
Good:
Preparation: I kept an eye on how much time I expected to have throughout the day, and got everything together quite well. I made sure I had everything I needed before I headed out the door, including blank thank-you cards and a pencil and eraser, in the handbag I prepared rather than taking my less professional looking backpack. I even had a slip of paper with where I was going by address and sketched map, who I was to ask for at what desk, and a phone number to call in case somehow I was late and needed to get in touch. I had taken care to eat and drink, and use the bathroom, before leaving, so that I wouldn't be interviewed on an empty stomach or while uncomfortable, and I got a healthy dose of pep talk from my friends before heading out. If I could go to all my interviews so well prepared, that would be an excellent thing.
Presentation: When I realized how casually all the employees were dressed, I felt overdressed in my blazer. Afterall, I had been instructed that a casual business shirt and pants were probably what I should try for. So, I stuffed my blazer into my handbag, and felt professional and well-dressed, but not quite so needlessly fancy. I took my hair down when I walked into the building, having brushed it thoroughly at home, and I smiled and spoke politely to everyone I met, thanking my interviewer, for instance, when she held the door for me. I remembered to make frequent eye contact during the interview, and while my smile probably flagged at some point, or else seemed nervous, I am sure I was smiling.
Thank-You Cards: Not just bringing them with me, but I stopped and sat at a table to write a short and casual but heartfelt thank you with good wishes for the coming year and hopes to see you again at work, to each of the two interviewers, being sure not to make them too alike so it didn't seem I just copied them from one another. I was already aware I'd messed up, and tried the thank-you card thing anyway. I deserve credit for that. It was definitely a good thing.
Bad:
References WITH Resume: I forgot to hand them my references because I waited to be prompted for them and then forgot. I should have handed them in with or immediately after my resume, without waiting. Then, we could have spoken about that then. I need to remember that it's okay to start the references conversation rather than waiting for someone else to.
An Answer... Any Answer...: Faced with the thick silence, I panicked and didn't take the time to think thoroughly before I spoke. I remember going over this in a training thing once a long time ago. Yes, the silence is daunting, but don't feel the need to fill it... It's okay to take a few whole minutes to calmly think about the question, particularly when it's about what I have dealt with in the past. That's what I needed to do here to keep my composure, and come up with an example that doesn't make me look like I'd need training to achieve basic competence. Tasks that require accuracy and speed... Um... like cleaning? No, dumbass, like making change. The thing that applies to the cashier position you're applying for. Which I am fantastic at doing quickly without making any mistakes, by the way. That's why my cash till totals back at Saint Vincent de Paul's were often exactly, to the penny, what they were supposed to be at the end of the day.
Too Cool: I think my smalltalk may have been a bit forced. I wish I'd worked more with the talk the interviewers gave me, and maybe asked some casual questions of them, relaxed a little more, and let myself feel personal with them a bit, to be more at my ease. I wish I'd voiced my thoughts that the staff training room was really neat and that the whole place felt incredibly friendly. I was trying too hard and being too careful, I really was.
And in the end... Well. I screwed up. But it's not the end of the world, right? While making some macaroni and cheese after coming home with painfully frostnipped fingers, and thinking about this, I found The Roses of Success wandering around unexpectedly inside my head. I... dealt with that rather well, in the end, didn't I? I caught myself running away, and marched back, red-faced but ready to make what reparations I could. While heading home, I focussed on allowing myself to feel embarrassed and think on what exactly I'd done wrong, without panicking and ruminating on how I'd never be able to do it right. I was all set up for success, and ended up with failure... And this means that I have got a good handle on preparation, and need to practice and improve my execution. I impressed and got an interview with my resume... A couple now, actually. That bit seems to be working. Now I get to make this set of mistakes. And learn from them.
I did always like that song...
I realize that not everyone may have the context for that remark. Let me fill you in. I had a job interview today. 'Nuff said? Well too bad, I'm going to say more anyway.
I had been sending a lot of applications to this company on their own special online job board thingamajig, and happily enough, someone actually called me - it happened to be while I was about to walk into the food bank, a few days ago, so I did a phone interview outside, and it went well. I took a while to think before answering some questions and it was hard to hear the lady on the phone, but we got through it. I just needed her to repeat a few things. And she set me up an appointment to go to an interview today. Great!
I spent the weekend looking forward to it, thinking, relaxing, arguing with my boyfriend as usual and rolling up random D&D characters. It's been a while since I've done that. I went price shopping online, and attempted to do so in person, but that didn't work out too well, for hard hats and steel-toed shoes, as the phone interviewer had informed me I'd need them for work if I got the job. I sent my price quotes from the internet to Ontario Works requesting funding for job search related equipment... and told a bunch of my friends about it with excitement , getting nearly half a dozen people wishing me good luck and success.
And now the day has come. I had a good feeling about this, and was optimistic... even confident! I got my references printed and called up the only one I hadn't contacted by email to notify her and make sure handing her name in was all okay. Yep, no problem there. I gave myself a bit of praise after the phonecall, despite being in a public place where people could hear me: "You did it! Yay! Well done..." Phonecalls always stress me out. Calling people I haven't spoken to in ages, much moreso.
I dressed up really nice in a collared shirt tucked into snugly fitting black pants. I cleaned my shoes, which had gotten a bit grungy, and even tried buffing them with a rag and some vegetable oil in the hopes it would bring out a bit of a shine. I realize this is not normally the way to oil shoes, but it doesn't seem to have turned out badly. I prepared my padded folder with my resume and references, packed an assortment of things I'd need into the purse I never use unless I want to look professional, donned my business jacket and headed out to get there early... So early, in fact, that I had half an hour to kill before showing up, so I hung out in a nearby bank, chatting with Damon on the phone, and used the bathroom at a restaurant, until it was a quarter to my appointment, and I headed in.
And the place was pleasant, and the many staff members I saw made every move to be friendly and helpful. My interviewer showed up with a warm and welcoming smile and brought me with polite smalltalk to the staff training area, a cozy place with lockers and paper notes stuck on cabinets, and a handful of smiling workers on break. We sat down in a small room to do the interview proper, two interviewers with bundles of papers and pens to take notes, and me, across the table from them. I handed them my updated resume and pointed out that I had taken a First Aid and CPR course since submitting the one online that they already had. Then came the questions. For the first several, I gave good, solid answers that I'm sure were pretty close to ideal. How do I present myself to customers, knowing I'm the last contact they may have with us? With a smile. Always with a smile. The interviewer who'd come to get me seemed to beam while writing my answers, or whatever other observations she was making, down.
I feel I should have mentioned something specifically about dealing with the specific complaints when asked what I'd do if a customer approached me rudely with complaints about a product, rather than only saying I'd take a breath, talk to them calmly, and try to smile anyway if I could, get through it... But that wasn't the big mistake.
I was asked how I've dealt with tasks that required both speed and accuracy, and I froze for a moment, unable to think of one. This would have been fine, if I hadn't grasped for the first answer to come to mind: cleaning... And spoken about how in housekeeping, I was great at being thorough, which makes for a comparable attribute to accuracy, I suppose, but could lag behind sometimes... But getting faster was probably just a matter of learning. After that answer, my interviewers said they had no more questions, and closed their interview booklets, though there looked to be quite a few pages left, and the announcement was abrupt. They asked me if I had any questions myself, and I was startled and grasped again... So I asked about how long it would be before I should expect to hear back from someone, and who I'd be hearing back from if I was contacted. Which is a fair question. I'm not disappointed about that. We chatted a little about the extra paperwork that hiring season meant for them, and I was escorted to the exit. It wasn't until I left the building that I realized I'd forgotten to hand them the sheet of references I'd gone out of my way to contact and prepare, and we hadn't touched on the two pieces of I.D. I had been asked to bring to the interview... And hadn't someone said something about "training", not just an interview?
Arrgh... I guess I just got nervous, and flubbed up. I felt embarrassed failure heavy on my shoulders as I left... I automatically turned toward the bus stop... But turned myself around again to buy some milk I knew I needed from a grocery store which happened to be right next to it... And after walking past the store again, and half way down the block... I realized I really was running away in a panic, ruminating that I'd ruined everything and it was too late to go back now.
So I stopped, and I turned around again, and I walked back to the store, and approached the lady at customer service that I'd approached originally, no doubt blushing, and admitted I'd forgotten to give the interviewers my reference sheet. She called them for me, took it, and promised to give it to them, and I skulked off again... but at least it was possible now that my work updating the sheet and calling my old volunteer manager wasn't entirely wasted. I left the building for a second time feeling like I had failed, but at least won the booby prize for facing my fears and facing up to a silly mistake... This is probably cognitive behavioral therapy.
So, let me take a moment to review my performance here, and note on the failures, and on the successes of today's interview...
Good:
Preparation: I kept an eye on how much time I expected to have throughout the day, and got everything together quite well. I made sure I had everything I needed before I headed out the door, including blank thank-you cards and a pencil and eraser, in the handbag I prepared rather than taking my less professional looking backpack. I even had a slip of paper with where I was going by address and sketched map, who I was to ask for at what desk, and a phone number to call in case somehow I was late and needed to get in touch. I had taken care to eat and drink, and use the bathroom, before leaving, so that I wouldn't be interviewed on an empty stomach or while uncomfortable, and I got a healthy dose of pep talk from my friends before heading out. If I could go to all my interviews so well prepared, that would be an excellent thing.
Presentation: When I realized how casually all the employees were dressed, I felt overdressed in my blazer. Afterall, I had been instructed that a casual business shirt and pants were probably what I should try for. So, I stuffed my blazer into my handbag, and felt professional and well-dressed, but not quite so needlessly fancy. I took my hair down when I walked into the building, having brushed it thoroughly at home, and I smiled and spoke politely to everyone I met, thanking my interviewer, for instance, when she held the door for me. I remembered to make frequent eye contact during the interview, and while my smile probably flagged at some point, or else seemed nervous, I am sure I was smiling.
Thank-You Cards: Not just bringing them with me, but I stopped and sat at a table to write a short and casual but heartfelt thank you with good wishes for the coming year and hopes to see you again at work, to each of the two interviewers, being sure not to make them too alike so it didn't seem I just copied them from one another. I was already aware I'd messed up, and tried the thank-you card thing anyway. I deserve credit for that. It was definitely a good thing.
Bad:
References WITH Resume: I forgot to hand them my references because I waited to be prompted for them and then forgot. I should have handed them in with or immediately after my resume, without waiting. Then, we could have spoken about that then. I need to remember that it's okay to start the references conversation rather than waiting for someone else to.
An Answer... Any Answer...: Faced with the thick silence, I panicked and didn't take the time to think thoroughly before I spoke. I remember going over this in a training thing once a long time ago. Yes, the silence is daunting, but don't feel the need to fill it... It's okay to take a few whole minutes to calmly think about the question, particularly when it's about what I have dealt with in the past. That's what I needed to do here to keep my composure, and come up with an example that doesn't make me look like I'd need training to achieve basic competence. Tasks that require accuracy and speed... Um... like cleaning? No, dumbass, like making change. The thing that applies to the cashier position you're applying for. Which I am fantastic at doing quickly without making any mistakes, by the way. That's why my cash till totals back at Saint Vincent de Paul's were often exactly, to the penny, what they were supposed to be at the end of the day.
Too Cool: I think my smalltalk may have been a bit forced. I wish I'd worked more with the talk the interviewers gave me, and maybe asked some casual questions of them, relaxed a little more, and let myself feel personal with them a bit, to be more at my ease. I wish I'd voiced my thoughts that the staff training room was really neat and that the whole place felt incredibly friendly. I was trying too hard and being too careful, I really was.
And in the end... Well. I screwed up. But it's not the end of the world, right? While making some macaroni and cheese after coming home with painfully frostnipped fingers, and thinking about this, I found The Roses of Success wandering around unexpectedly inside my head. I... dealt with that rather well, in the end, didn't I? I caught myself running away, and marched back, red-faced but ready to make what reparations I could. While heading home, I focussed on allowing myself to feel embarrassed and think on what exactly I'd done wrong, without panicking and ruminating on how I'd never be able to do it right. I was all set up for success, and ended up with failure... And this means that I have got a good handle on preparation, and need to practice and improve my execution. I impressed and got an interview with my resume... A couple now, actually. That bit seems to be working. Now I get to make this set of mistakes. And learn from them.
I did always like that song...
Froom the ashes oof disaster groow the roses of success~!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
The Sweet Delays
My training with the new company has been delayed a week, unfortunately. I suppose this gives me more time to practice my script, but I am disappointed and restless. I was ready, and am. I want to start NOW!
I went to see my ex and his girlfriend in hospital after she damaged her leg slipping on the ice. It was nice to see her again. We've only really met once before. In the hospital waiting room, the two of us together softly sung a single chorus of Mordred's Lullaby. We sing beautifully together, and I hope that we will do it more in the future. It was a magnificent moment. She turned to me with bright eyes and a grin and said, "So, you're a Heather Dale fan, are you?" Someone she works with mistook us for sisters.
It should say a great deal, I hope, to forgiveness and peace, that I and the present girlfriend of my ex, who is part of the reason he is my ex, do such things.
I also went out intending to buy notebooks, which I did, and highlighters, which I could not find in the dollar store, and a city transit map, which I did not buy because the line at the transit office was so long. And because I was already starting to have a panic attack.
Now facing the real prospect of a job I can, and will, excell at, even though I have not started yet... I think forward, to costume design, and street theatre, and activism. Once I can afford it, I will participate. I have been thinking brave and beautiful thoughts along those lines of late.
And... I found myself back at torture and thick in the panic of fear, of dread, to the point that I started to feel physically ill, and clung to the most peaceful and comforting and nonaggressive songs I could find on the iPod to bear it out. I stopped at Goodwill on my way home, still in that panic, thinking to talk to the awesome, sweet geeky young lady receptionist who has often cheered me up, though never out of something like this before... and ask if there was a quiet place I could cry and curl up and someone I could talk to. Several times I almost bailed, choked out an "um" to beg her not to call any particular attention to my need or make exception, or to take anyone away from potentially important work to see me.
I ended up talking to her in an empty office for I'm not sure how long... perhaps half an hour, perhaps more, spilling my terrible difficulty: "you know... don't think of a pink elephant? ... Don't think, try really really hard not to think of... pushpins. Or better, paper clips. And the remarkable depths of human ingenuity. ...And police brutality. And the fact that apparently masked protest is illegal in this country."
Knowing I will soon be able to afford to build costumes, schedule time on activities without my continued involvement in them hinging on whether I find a job that needs that time slot at some point... The risks of what I know I will do, what I know I will nerve myself to do, what I dream of doing, what I will condemn myself for a coward if I do not do... It all comes much more real, and I'm sure it will come much more real yet.
I will cry beforehand so that I can keep my eyes and my mind clear and alert and ready when vital moments come.
I will get my flinching done ahead of the act.
Or after it, I can curl up and weep.
Anytime but during.
Of course, I will strive to do so in the safest and most harmless of ways that can still have dramatic effect, and with all due caution. I only fear for that even the most peaceful of dissent can and certainly will be criminalized in worst case scenarios. For which I absolutely must be prepared.
Prepare for the worst.
Strive for the best.
Expect the most likely, but prepare to be surprised.
The time talking to my friend the receptionist greatly helped me. The fact that I was able to approach her and ask for the moment of help, and follow through, in a public setting, is a definite mark of progress. Overall... today has been a very good, empowering day.
Be proud of me.
I don't think I feel happy.
I feel... like a weak and struggling creature. Growing slightly less weak.
I feel wholesome. I do not feel victorious, but I do feel brave, albeit terribly frightened. I feel resolved, and open, and I feel I have allies.
I feel comforted.
None of these things are happiness. But they are good things.
I went to see my ex and his girlfriend in hospital after she damaged her leg slipping on the ice. It was nice to see her again. We've only really met once before. In the hospital waiting room, the two of us together softly sung a single chorus of Mordred's Lullaby. We sing beautifully together, and I hope that we will do it more in the future. It was a magnificent moment. She turned to me with bright eyes and a grin and said, "So, you're a Heather Dale fan, are you?" Someone she works with mistook us for sisters.
It should say a great deal, I hope, to forgiveness and peace, that I and the present girlfriend of my ex, who is part of the reason he is my ex, do such things.
I also went out intending to buy notebooks, which I did, and highlighters, which I could not find in the dollar store, and a city transit map, which I did not buy because the line at the transit office was so long. And because I was already starting to have a panic attack.
Now facing the real prospect of a job I can, and will, excell at, even though I have not started yet... I think forward, to costume design, and street theatre, and activism. Once I can afford it, I will participate. I have been thinking brave and beautiful thoughts along those lines of late.
And... I found myself back at torture and thick in the panic of fear, of dread, to the point that I started to feel physically ill, and clung to the most peaceful and comforting and nonaggressive songs I could find on the iPod to bear it out. I stopped at Goodwill on my way home, still in that panic, thinking to talk to the awesome, sweet geeky young lady receptionist who has often cheered me up, though never out of something like this before... and ask if there was a quiet place I could cry and curl up and someone I could talk to. Several times I almost bailed, choked out an "um" to beg her not to call any particular attention to my need or make exception, or to take anyone away from potentially important work to see me.
I ended up talking to her in an empty office for I'm not sure how long... perhaps half an hour, perhaps more, spilling my terrible difficulty: "you know... don't think of a pink elephant? ... Don't think, try really really hard not to think of... pushpins. Or better, paper clips. And the remarkable depths of human ingenuity. ...And police brutality. And the fact that apparently masked protest is illegal in this country."
Knowing I will soon be able to afford to build costumes, schedule time on activities without my continued involvement in them hinging on whether I find a job that needs that time slot at some point... The risks of what I know I will do, what I know I will nerve myself to do, what I dream of doing, what I will condemn myself for a coward if I do not do... It all comes much more real, and I'm sure it will come much more real yet.
I will cry beforehand so that I can keep my eyes and my mind clear and alert and ready when vital moments come.
I will get my flinching done ahead of the act.
Or after it, I can curl up and weep.
Anytime but during.
Of course, I will strive to do so in the safest and most harmless of ways that can still have dramatic effect, and with all due caution. I only fear for that even the most peaceful of dissent can and certainly will be criminalized in worst case scenarios. For which I absolutely must be prepared.
Prepare for the worst.
Strive for the best.
Expect the most likely, but prepare to be surprised.
The time talking to my friend the receptionist greatly helped me. The fact that I was able to approach her and ask for the moment of help, and follow through, in a public setting, is a definite mark of progress. Overall... today has been a very good, empowering day.
Be proud of me.
I don't think I feel happy.
I feel... like a weak and struggling creature. Growing slightly less weak.
I feel wholesome. I do not feel victorious, but I do feel brave, albeit terribly frightened. I feel resolved, and open, and I feel I have allies.
I feel comforted.
None of these things are happiness. But they are good things.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A Series of Surprisingly Positive Events
Well. I guess it's been a while. I've been preoccupied.
Mostly, it's that my distant online primary relationship takes up a lot of my time. My young pup would honestly be very happy if he could play D&D 12 hours a day, and while I will admit, I'm getting back into playing and actually having fun with it (despite having gotten really really jaded with weaknesses due to, effectively, group cohesion and social stuff in my first campaign and subsequent attempts), I nevertheless cannot play that much - D&D is awesome (or can be, as is being proven again), but it wears me out if I overexpose myself to it. My mind needs to rest after being blown too hard. I might get dragged into playing for two to three hours almost every day anyway, though, more for his benefit because he's short on other people to play with than mine. To be fair, Pup does have some really neat and shiny campaign ideas. We are currently preparing a two-character-party Inquisitor game fashioned in the style of Van Helsing, or Brothers Grim... or the default setting of a more obscure role-playing system called Dogs of the Vineyard... in which we will take turns DMing adventures, but have both our characters work together all the time... sometimes I get to be the player without much OOC knowledge, and he gets to play as a DMPC, and sometimes the other way around.
Also, I just got a job! Yay! I just got back from a two hour orientation to get acquainted with things... the job is selling cellphone cases and accessories at a mall island shop booth called Speaking Phones. At first I felt kind of disgusting for putting myself so close to anything quite as covered in rhinestones and cheap as the merchandise seemed to be... but having taken a closer look and gotten acquainted with the prices... erm... it doesn't seem to be overpriced cheap glittery garbage after all. The prices are actually pretty damn good compared to other places I've seen, and there's a lot of really swanky gear, including a pair of shades with 2 gigabytes of built in data storage and earphones, for $50... though I'm not sure whether that does something independently or is to be used with a phone or MP3 player or what. The nature of the business even seems to be fairly low on paper or plastic wastage, my supervisor is a pleasant young lady who laughs at my jokes, used up every inch of the notebook that notes for the staff are written in, and is transferring inventory management to a fully electronic format... in this case meaning "write it down and save it in a notepad file if we're running low on anything". The whole thing seems sensibly run and down to earth, and while I keep being told the focus is on selling and up-selling, from watching my supervisor work, it is quite clear I'm not being asked to pressure sell.
I make a distinction between sales and customer service along the following lines: if the customer already knows they want something from me, and I help them find what they were looking for, show options, and happily lead them to make whatever choice they find preferable, it's customer service. If I have to tell the customer they want something, or tell them what to buy, it's sales. By that definition, this falls squarely in the realm of customer service, despite the fact that my title is "sales associate". And that is absolutely fine with me. I may find myself enjoying this job enough to want to stay at it rather than switching to something else, after all. It was... a lot easier than I expected it to be. All that procrastination and fear regarding a job search, and I actually get a job before I considered myself to have started doing it properly... Well. Um. Well. ...Okay? I guess life is easier when you play by the rules people expect you to. Or something.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
My Secret Plan
I find myself [...] trying to force myself to ascribe to something I do not believe, the idea that submitting to the need to work on whatever my employer's terms are will empower me to make a difference, rather than making me a supportive cog in a system I despise and disempowering me by giving me something I must fear to lose...--- 28 September, 2012
I must find some way at least for the two not to be in open conflict, or I shall tear myself apart...
--- 6 September, 2012
It seems like I end up finding an awesome cool thing that I want to try to do, and then forget until I'm right in the middle of it that I can't do anything right, and then I panic.--- 22 October, 2012
Job search? When?
I think I have found an answer.
The plan is brilliant... because... I cannot tell you.
Allow me to expand.
I went for a long walk on November 13, now four days ago, taking time to myself to think many things through, let my mind free-wheel and fantasize about wonderful and romantic ideas. I found myself alighting upon a brilliant and beautiful idea, and fleshing it out until it became a plan and I had enough of an idea how it would all work that I could write it all down. I sat on the corner of some random stranger's driveway, cross-legged, to do so. I wrote down details until I was confident that even if I somehow forgot all about it, in three years I could read it again and not be missing anything I needed to know in order to implement the plan.
I built a second inspiration around the first - I know it is a very strong weakness for people like me to come up with a brilliant idea but never enact it, and I know that it is a typical failing even for people who aren't that much like me to gush about a great idea to their friends and have that gushing effectively lead to its downfall, because either they believe it can be done, and praise you for the brilliant idea, which provides immediate gratification before you actually act, thus weakening your motivation to get around to it... or they point out problems and disadvantages that, intentionally or not, discourage you enough that you talk yourself out of trying.
After writing down my plan, I tri-folded it, tri-folded another blank page around it and stuck it in a security envelope. On the envelope I wrote these three things:
*My Secret Plan
*Not to be opened before November 15, 2015
*If you tell anyone before it happens - It won't. Remember that.
The idea is too beautiful to me to sabotage in such a way.
I am confident that I am capable of accomplishing it, if I can keep my focus and my motivation.
Here's the crux: I absolutely hate to keep secrets. If I have a good idea, I want everyone to know about it.
So I'd better accomplish it, so that I can tell people what it was without putting its success in jeopardy.
It will require funding.
I now have a motivation that stands a chance at being lasting, by continually reminding me that I do have a plan, that this caterpillar is already designing its wings... with the burning power of a beautiful secret I must not tell anyone anything at all about (exceptions beget exceptions).
I now have a reason to get and hold a job. I have an End so good I should be able to use it to justify even Means so despicable as working at Walmart for three years and striving to do a good job making money for a mega-corp I would love to see fall within my lifetime.
I gained a new perspective and am making use of it... I'm using my own nature to my advantage, in a way that will both torture and delight me... that will protect me from both criticism and complacency - if it works.
I hope it does.
I would like to extend an open invitation to absolutely anyone who reads this blog post, to come back a year or more after its posting date, and if you can remember to come back on or around November 15, 2015, that would be ideal... and ask me in the comments section if I've made any progress yet.
I would like to extend an open invitation to absolutely anyone who reads this blog post, to come back a year or more after its posting date, and if you can remember to come back on or around November 15, 2015, that would be ideal... and ask me in the comments section if I've made any progress yet.
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