I have stopped keeping my diary.
I'm less certain that I'm still taking my pills regularly.
The house is largely stagnant right now, and I'm starting to get edgy about the fact that my new room-mate hasn't started to provide much food yet.
I now have an online submissive, apparently. That is, I have met and established a strong emotional bond to someone who works that way, and does so so gently that I'm naturally drawn into dominant behaviours. I found him in a D&D group I was invited to at a livestream. He's younger, furry, and very sweet and cute.
For the past few days I've been bonding with him intensely, and have been much more vulnerable to intense fits of self-hate at the drop of a single hint. Wanting him to stay and talk to me even when we're both incredibly tired, a sign of selfishness and clinginess; any instance of getting upset or angry at him; flashes of violent thought (this isn't new, just coming up a bit more) and jealousy whenever something else or a need to be alone robs me of his attention.
It would hurt to tell him to go unless perfectly clear he wants to. It would hurt to ask him to stay unless he pretty much intends to anyway. Sometimes even then.
I don't feel like I can even write now, properly. Words aren't... right.
There are half a dozen people I could talk to about this and I don't think I can approach a single one of them. I'm stuck inside my self which is a darkness, shaking with panic and fear, feeling like a stain on the fabric of time, a waste, a problem.
It seems like I end up finding an awesome cool thing that I want to try to do, and then forget until I'm right in the middle of it that I can't do anything right, and then I panic.
Job search? When?
I've got my house, but I'm still just waiting. Waiting for a day that I'm not tired, waiting for Damon to arrange for his parents to bring me my belongings, waiting until I have furniture to use, waiting for my appointment with Goodwill, waiting for evening, waiting for morning.
Something vaguely useful, I made an appointment to go get an emergency dental examination tomorrow morning, to deal with the toothache that's recently gotten so bad I can't ignore it anymore.
I feel so incompetent right now...
I should write to my supports about it. Get a top-up. Almost be like a real person for a week or so, maybe. Maybe...
Monday, October 22, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
The Sting of Rejection - But Not What You'd Think
I feel guilty today. On my way home from a walk around town and lunch at My Sister's Place, I met the eyes of an attractive-looking black man and he stopped me to talk for a moment. He introduced himself as... I suppose it would likely be spelt Santha - It sounded like Santa with an accent and a soft t - asked if I lived on "this side" (of the city, I guess) and said something about looking for a relationship. Then his phone rang. He excused himself and asked me to stay, but I didn't, I slowly wandered away, not wanting to stick around just for the awkwardness of trying to be graceful about rejecting him verbally.
He was very handsome, and I was, admittedly, eyeing him a bit before he spoke to me. But he had an accent so thick I could scarcely understand a thing he said. Communication is important in relationships and communication problems caused by heavy accents just annoy me and make it hard for me to feel on level ground with anyone. It couldn't have worked. Maybe I should have stayed to say that aloud, but I imagine my just walking away probably delivered a message of rejection without having to get into reasons or details. If I see him again and have the balls, maybe I'll apologize and explain. To be honest, though, I don't really hope I get the chance.
He was very handsome, and I was, admittedly, eyeing him a bit before he spoke to me. But he had an accent so thick I could scarcely understand a thing he said. Communication is important in relationships and communication problems caused by heavy accents just annoy me and make it hard for me to feel on level ground with anyone. It couldn't have worked. Maybe I should have stayed to say that aloud, but I imagine my just walking away probably delivered a message of rejection without having to get into reasons or details. If I see him again and have the balls, maybe I'll apologize and explain. To be honest, though, I don't really hope I get the chance.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Dominance and Submission - bDSm
(excerpt from a conversation on Fetlife)
The Dominance and Submission aspect of BDSM, like pretty much any other kink, means different things to different people, but is, yes, essentially about power and control.
For some people, it is stimulating and very sexy to feel that they are in control of another person. For some, it feels sexy and stimulating to be under the control of someone else. The ways in which this control is exercised will vary from relationship to relationship. They can be healthy... or very dangerous if taken too far or pushed beyond reasonable boundaries.
Some people are only subby or dommy about sex - In control in the bedroom, or under someone else's. Some D/s couples don't even have sex, but have fun with the dynamic and form a romantic bond over it, or become in a way like family.
You will find that D/s relationships are as varied as vanilla relationships with nearly infinite kinds and orientations. They are, at their core, the same - a close connection between two people, that work according to who those two people are, how they interact and what they like, tolerate, and don't. The only distinguishing factor that makes it D/s is that at least some of the time, one person has some significant degree of control over the other. Ideally, freely given, and equally freely taken back if the true need arises.
The Dominance and Submission aspect of BDSM, like pretty much any other kink, means different things to different people, but is, yes, essentially about power and control.
For some people, it is stimulating and very sexy to feel that they are in control of another person. For some, it feels sexy and stimulating to be under the control of someone else. The ways in which this control is exercised will vary from relationship to relationship. They can be healthy... or very dangerous if taken too far or pushed beyond reasonable boundaries.
Some people are only subby or dommy about sex - In control in the bedroom, or under someone else's. Some D/s couples don't even have sex, but have fun with the dynamic and form a romantic bond over it, or become in a way like family.
You will find that D/s relationships are as varied as vanilla relationships with nearly infinite kinds and orientations. They are, at their core, the same - a close connection between two people, that work according to who those two people are, how they interact and what they like, tolerate, and don't. The only distinguishing factor that makes it D/s is that at least some of the time, one person has some significant degree of control over the other. Ideally, freely given, and equally freely taken back if the true need arises.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Moving In
Hmm...
Well, that happened. I've paid my first and last, though it was a bit more than I had been told (by $25 a month), and the whole affair was a bit unprofessional and uncertain. The landlord seems to be unused to so much paperwork and wasn't really sure what to do, but we have a copy of the rent agreement (I intend to make two copies, one for OW and one for me), and I have a receipt for first and last months' rent paid up.
I haven't got any furniture there... yet, but Steven has a military cot hanging around (for some reason) that he's given me for the interim to sleep on.
The kitchen and... well, to be honest, the whole apartment is kind of grubby and a bit of a mess, but I should be able to put a bit of organizing and cleaning into it so that it's comfortably clean.
I also have one cost estimate form from a father & son used furniture store for $555 for a bed and bed-frame, chair or sofa, assorted kitchenware and housewares and a dresser, and intend to get another cost estimate from a cellphone provider, to hand them both in for my remaining community start-up money.
Tomorrow I meet Damon and he can tell me when his family can help me move in my stuff from Kat and Colin's house.
This evening, I walked to My Sister's Place, and there was some very rich and frankly delicious leftover cream of broccoli soup available to be eaten (albeit out of tea cups because they ran out of bowls) and I ate my fill of it, plus one small slice of fluffy white cake. I am contently full, and thankful to this place for giving me food tonight. I had been hungry.
That's my status for the time being.
Well, that happened. I've paid my first and last, though it was a bit more than I had been told (by $25 a month), and the whole affair was a bit unprofessional and uncertain. The landlord seems to be unused to so much paperwork and wasn't really sure what to do, but we have a copy of the rent agreement (I intend to make two copies, one for OW and one for me), and I have a receipt for first and last months' rent paid up.
I haven't got any furniture there... yet, but Steven has a military cot hanging around (for some reason) that he's given me for the interim to sleep on.
The kitchen and... well, to be honest, the whole apartment is kind of grubby and a bit of a mess, but I should be able to put a bit of organizing and cleaning into it so that it's comfortably clean.
I also have one cost estimate form from a father & son used furniture store for $555 for a bed and bed-frame, chair or sofa, assorted kitchenware and housewares and a dresser, and intend to get another cost estimate from a cellphone provider, to hand them both in for my remaining community start-up money.
Tomorrow I meet Damon and he can tell me when his family can help me move in my stuff from Kat and Colin's house.
This evening, I walked to My Sister's Place, and there was some very rich and frankly delicious leftover cream of broccoli soup available to be eaten (albeit out of tea cups because they ran out of bowls) and I ate my fill of it, plus one small slice of fluffy white cake. I am contently full, and thankful to this place for giving me food tonight. I had been hungry.
That's my status for the time being.
Last Night
(an excerpt from my personal diary on September 30, 2012)
Sunday Night
I snuggle up in bed on my last night in this homeless shelter - if I'm lucky, maybe for my whole life. I'll come back for meals, of course, but that's different. I look forward to the new troubles ahead. How will I get along with my new roommate Steven throughout the year to come? Will I grow to hate my little bedroom with its scrubby carpet, or grow to love it?
Tomorrow it all begins... Tomorrow.
The lady who slept across from me having gone, along with many others, the dorm, right now, seems very peaceful for my final night. Some of the residents are coughing, perhaps having caught the cold that was going around before. Now and then, I hear a cellphone jingle. Of course, I don't have my earplugs in yet.
I have a fair bit to do over the next few days - shop for furniture prices, send some emails, practice poetry for the open mic night on Wednesday... possibly even more. It should make an interesting break from having nothing much to do for so long. Maybe it will be a good start for the things to come. I hope so.
Appropriately, I am reaching the end of this little book which has become my journal. I will have to buy another one soon. It's tempting, of course, to start a new diary as soon as I move in, but that would create undue pressure to write more impressively or more regularly that I may not be able to live up to, and certainly will not be spurred to by the application of pressure or guilt. No, I think I should fill out the rest of the pages first. In my own time. I wonder how many wonderful things might grow from the seeds I've put in these pages... where I might take the ideas and phrases herein... in time...
Sunday Night
I snuggle up in bed on my last night in this homeless shelter - if I'm lucky, maybe for my whole life. I'll come back for meals, of course, but that's different. I look forward to the new troubles ahead. How will I get along with my new roommate Steven throughout the year to come? Will I grow to hate my little bedroom with its scrubby carpet, or grow to love it?
Tomorrow it all begins... Tomorrow.
The lady who slept across from me having gone, along with many others, the dorm, right now, seems very peaceful for my final night. Some of the residents are coughing, perhaps having caught the cold that was going around before. Now and then, I hear a cellphone jingle. Of course, I don't have my earplugs in yet.
I have a fair bit to do over the next few days - shop for furniture prices, send some emails, practice poetry for the open mic night on Wednesday... possibly even more. It should make an interesting break from having nothing much to do for so long. Maybe it will be a good start for the things to come. I hope so.
Appropriately, I am reaching the end of this little book which has become my journal. I will have to buy another one soon. It's tempting, of course, to start a new diary as soon as I move in, but that would create undue pressure to write more impressively or more regularly that I may not be able to live up to, and certainly will not be spurred to by the application of pressure or guilt. No, I think I should fill out the rest of the pages first. In my own time. I wonder how many wonderful things might grow from the seeds I've put in these pages... where I might take the ideas and phrases herein... in time...
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