Overwhelming Changes; Looming Responsibility

I have stopped keeping my diary.

I'm less certain that I'm still taking my pills regularly.

The house is largely stagnant right now, and I'm starting to get edgy about the fact that my new room-mate hasn't started to provide much food yet.

I now have an online submissive, apparently. That is, I have met and established a strong emotional bond to someone who works that way, and does so so gently that I'm naturally drawn into dominant behaviours. I found him in a D&D group I was invited to at a livestream. He's younger, furry, and very sweet and cute.

For the past few days I've been bonding with him intensely, and have been much more vulnerable to intense fits of self-hate at the drop of a single hint. Wanting him to stay and talk to me even when we're both incredibly tired, a sign of selfishness and clinginess; any instance of getting upset or angry at him; flashes of violent thought (this isn't new, just coming up a bit more) and jealousy whenever something else or a need to be alone robs me of his attention.

It would hurt to tell him to go unless perfectly clear he wants to. It would hurt to ask him to stay unless he pretty much intends to anyway. Sometimes even then.

I don't feel like I can even write now, properly. Words aren't... right.

There are half a dozen people I could talk to about this and I don't think I can approach a single one of them. I'm stuck inside my self which is a darkness, shaking with panic and fear, feeling like a stain on the fabric of time, a waste, a problem.

It seems like I end up finding an awesome cool thing that I want to try to do, and then forget until I'm right in the middle of it that I can't do anything right, and then I panic.

Job search? When?

I've got my house, but I'm still just waiting. Waiting for a day that I'm not tired, waiting for Damon to arrange for his parents to bring me my belongings, waiting until I have furniture to use, waiting for my appointment with Goodwill, waiting for evening, waiting for morning.

Something vaguely useful, I made an appointment to go get an emergency dental examination tomorrow morning, to deal with the toothache that's recently gotten so bad I can't ignore it anymore.

I feel so incompetent right now...

I should write to my supports about it. Get a top-up. Almost be like a real person for a week or so, maybe. Maybe...