Out of the Fire and into the Pan

It has been a stressful month or so for me, increasingly so over financial debts and concerns that I may not be able to arrange things adequately even to get myself to Ireland, much less beyond... I was very reluctant to return to Ontario Works, but this week I did so, and spoke very humbly to the staff member there who was quick to listen and encourage me, and trusted me when I said I was job searching already and had applied to ten or a dozen summertime positions, which I had.

I've made up a chart on Google Sheets of when I applied to what and how long I spent doing it, and roughly what sort of positions they were, and I've given to my friends and to my employment counsellor at Goodwill Career Center a link to see it as I add to it. I was feeling so glum and reluctant one evening that I turned to examining the feeling and what exactly it was about. I decided a large part of it was probably the silence. I've never been able to happily endure silence as a response when I put myself out into the world, whether it's a joke or a request or, as now, a job application. It feels like casual rejection, which feels hideous. Although I know that keeping at my job hunting a little at a time, stable-like, is how best to make sure I can find something, it's awfully discouraging to me not seeing any mark of progress, because I've not got interviews or hire offers yet.

So I thought about that, and I decided to ask my friends to help me by setting up like video game achievements for me, so that to help me keep going with gradual consistency, I could measure progress by milestones like grindy achievements; applications X days in a row like studying on Khan Academy, or apply to five receptionist jobs, or to ten labour jobs, or thirty jobs in total, whatever it'd be. Then I'd have marks of progress to look forward to, and to look back on, that didn't depend on any feedback I'm unlikely to get from the jobs themselves.

So that seems alright, and I do think it's helping me stay happy, which ultimately makes everything better. One of my friends agreed in right away and will share with me a song from his music library or a sketch he's drawn that I didn't see before for each two online applications I submit, or each one place I submit in person, up to two rewards every day. And yesterday, I went through and did five applications online to mostly labour oriented positions, so I could focus on how to present as a good labourer rather than trying to organize a bunch of different fronts at one time. I like that strategy, I think it suits me well.

There's also mother. I don't remember whether I wrote it here, but I got back in contact with my mother, and that's been stressful. I think she's trying, though. I told her once a little while ago that she had been behaving unappropriately and to stop sending me any more messages until I could figure out what to say back to her, and then she sent me a message to say she would (because no-one ever apparently thinks that saying yes counts as saying anything), but since then has stayed quiet, and I've got a long email sitting in drafts that I haven't gotten back around to yet to trim down and decide whether to make it milder, but I've been focusing on trying to keep my morale high enough to job search. I might say more about my mother here later, or maybe I won't.

I've come 'round to sleeping days again, which is all a great frustration, but I can still do my job searching at least, in the evenings when I'm awake. Normally I'd try to push my sleeping forward and forward through the days some more until it was back around to nights again, only I talk to Iris in the evenings. He's been very sweet and loving to me, and it makes me feel happy to have that place and time when I'm welcomed for a while. I've got him playing through Doki Doki Literature Club, which I played my virgin run of a while ago. I thought we might be done with his own virgin (or I suppose you could say blind) run through it by now, but he goes through the game so slowly, reading the dialogue and discussing the poetry and thinking hard over every choice and talking to me about it.

We spent some amusing and interesting hours together finding a bunch of secrets in the game, much earlier than I would have expected and which I hadn't even known were there, so I was able to participate in unraveling them from ignorance and with sincere exploration myself, which was great fun. I won't say any more about that here, because between them being secrets and the type of game DDLC is, if any readers have not played it, I would want to encourage them to do so and experience it all themselves. Iris and I have recorded our playing the game and I might put it on YouTube at some point if ever I find a comfortable way to edit videos again, so it's not like our experiences will be lost if I don't write them here.

Last time we played, Iris had a substantial conversation with Yuri for the first time in the game, having mostly spent his time talking to Sayori so far. It was very fun for me to hear him read it, partly because it went like conversations he's actually had with me even more than I expected. I see a lot of myself in Yuri, a lot of my own strengths and weaknesses and fears, depicted very well in some places, and that gives me reason to love the game if I didn't already have an inclination to. I spoke to Iris about it and he can see what I mean by that, although he finds much more kinship in Sayori himself, which doesn't surprise me... Such a simple sweetheart, taking unabashed delight in the simple solaces of the world like restful sleep and tasty food. And what's better, he doesn't mind if I make a little fun of him for it. It seems I get along very well with fellows like that, who can remind me by example to enjoy the simple things, and aren't too proud to let me laugh at them.

I say simple, but it doesn't mean stupid. Iris and Fish and Coda too can understand the complexity and darkness in my perspectives well enough to empathise beautifully and sincerely; I know it's not any lack of understanding or capacity that leads them to deal with life on such simple terms, but their own preference, and oftentimes conscious decision about who they want to be. I can thoroughly respect that. I can enjoy walking a time with Iris's sunny attitude, knowing that he is sincerely willing to take his turn walking with me through nightmares... so spending time lighthearted doesn't mean denying the dark is there, in the way that it has often felt to me as though it does in broader society. It's not whitewashing. It's not stupid politics. It doesn't make me pick sides between two ends of a waveform as though they were contradictory to one another for the contrast. I love that.

Anyway, I started out this writing meaning to say that my benefit return from filing my taxes has come in, and now so has Ontario Works support for this month, since I hadn't paid my rent yet, not having the money, and I asked humbly if they could help me with that and was told they could and would. So I've paid my rent, and I also paid off most of the debt on my credit card that's been building up from groceries and stuff... And my plane ticket... and there's such a weight off my shoulders now about that. But I still need to work at finding work for those weeks of summer I have left if I can, because I can use all the money I can save up to get myself started strong in Ireland.

Dear Memory: The Games You Play

Hi, Eoin.

I feel very close to you today, dear memory. I have been listening to your voice. It has been... over five months, I think... since the last time I listened to your voice, and that sound, so familiar, carries an amazing weight of nostalgia now.

I know you must be doing okay, for now, because you're part of a podcast now. Maybe later, I will come back and add a hyperlink to it into this post, but not yet. Not today. I'm a little afraid that you'd see the back-link somehow, and find me here, watching you, and that that would make you uncomfortable. So as much as I would love for you, for this person you are now, your voice still familiar, your jokes told with the same friendly sass... but not to me... As much as I might love to see you turn and see me watching you, I do not rustle the branches. I stay quiet and hidden and permit you not to be any more likely to notice me than you already are, for I've posted links to my blog sometimes on Facebook and I think once, the preview line visible from there held your name.

It's so good to hear you laughing again. And Gearoid and Troy, too. I miss hanging out at your house, listening to you banter with them like this, at home and happy and comfortable. I miss listening to you talk about the games you love, and shows you love, and things you do. I hope I will one day be welcome again to stand awkwardly at hand, listening. Trying sometimes to find something to contribute by saying. Even feeling self-consciously out of place there, but still allowed to be there, listening, enjoying the stories... and talking to you about them afterwards.

Maybe someday I will play games with you again. I hope so. You're so fun-loving. It's... relaxing just being around that, sometimes. It... was, I mean.

While looking through Steam today after nabbing a game which was released for free as an anniversary promotion, I stumbled across something I had remembered only dimly for some time. The Beginner's Guide... And I remember, like vision, like the physical world coming back as a dream fades. I remember sitting and laying on your bed and exploring it, rapt with attention. I remember the prison cell which ostensibly would originally have trapped the player for hours. I remember the trick-door which kept coming back or something, although I'm not sure I remember the trick to it. I remember three figures with blank faces, asking questions about how I got there, and how to move forward. I remember a huge room full of bubbles with comments in them. I remember a combination lock without any clues to the combination. I remember a man standing at a podium. I remember a red curtain around a stage, and a gun which shattered the scenery into blank whiteness... I remember a house full of little things to fix. Little chores to keep up, maintenance to be done. I remember liking that part. It seemed... peaceful.

I remember sitting with you and speaking aloud back at the narrator about the point I thought he'd missed. I remember... rising above the maze. Do you know, Fish...? I still keep that screenshot among my wallpapers. And whenever I see it, I think of you.

I listened to your podcast while I took a long walk today, and bought some ramen. Many times, I laughed at your jokes. Not just yours, Eoin, I mean Troy's and Gearoid's too. I'm glad you're okay. I'm glad you're talking about things that you love. I'm glad that I can listen to your voice without getting in your way. If you keep doing this, then there may be a way that I can have your good humour and your cheeky cleverness in my life even if you don't want to talk again when I land.

When I land. Dear memory... I haven't written this here yet. But last week, I got my first offer of placement back from an Irish college. Dear memory, the only condition set out in that offer is that I successfully finish my diploma and hand in my transcript by May 30th. Dear memory, I don't even have to get good marks in my classes, I only have to pass them. Dear memory...

I am coming.

I hope I will get more than one offer. I hope I will have a reason to contact you and ask which one I ought to choose, a lapse in the silence that's existed between us for more than five months. But even if this is the only choice I am given... I am coming. It's gone from "hope" and "maybe" and "trying" to something more solid.

The day after I received the email, I woke up in my bed, and squirmed gradually to consciousness, and my first conscious thought was to repeat, in my mind, I could buy my plane ticket today. I'm going to Ireland. Where to head after I land may not be set in stone, but I have my confirmation now. There is at least one answer available to that question. I'm going to Ireland. Coming to Ireland. I'm coming back, and I'm coming for you. It sings in my heart so intensely it turns almost to a shriek when I think about it. Like a perfect tone, sweet and high and pure and so loud it could shatter glass.

There is still much to be done first, but the greatest hurdle, the most doubtful issue has been cleared. The rest is details. Details which will fill my days, my nights, my schedule, until mid-August.

And this is why I felt it was now an acceptable time to look through your Facebook page again, and see a couple sorta recent pictures. And I found your new podcast there, and I've been listening to it. It's close enough now, somehow. It doesn't feel distant and stalkery the same way it did once before, because I expect I may have cause to actually be in touch within just another two weeks.

It all comes down to this... and now I hear you laughing and joking with your friends, just like you used to. And something in me that had worried that you might be somehow a very changed person now, someone less likely to like me... something of that fear melts away. You will very likely have changed somehow... but you laugh the same. In your most recent pictures on Facebook, your smile is as I knew it before I left. That's Eoin alright. And that's something right about the world. Something happy. Right now, it must be night time in Ireland, though it's yet early evening here. Goodnight, Eoin. May you rest healthfully and wake happy. I love you.

Dear Memory: A Turn to Hope

Today, I did some research into Irish accounting organizations and immigration. I reached out to someone at Fanshawe whose card was given to me by a pathways advisor, and recieved pretty much the best possible news I could have hoped for regarding my plan to return to Ireland.

OSAP does offer support for people studying outside of Ontario, outside of even Canada. There are already a couple of Irish institutions on their list of approved colleges and an appeals process for adding more. I feel... a little embarrassed. I had been so intimidated at the thought of this being difficult that it took me quite some time to really work up the courage and get past the procrastination to do some looking... and find that this may indeed be much easier than I thought.

For most of today I have been in an energetic cloud of hope and happiness. Fantasies rush upon me of announcing on Facebook that I would be returning to Ireland. Of being able to make the journey less than a year from now. Of meeting you again...

Last night, I stayed up late chatting with two of my friends, and we had an awesome conversation, discussing everything from the community management snafu surrounding Roko's Basilisk, some theory on the nature of dimensions and different kinds of infinity... And lots of asides and jokes and... Damn, it's good to have conversations like that. It's been so long. I should get those two to hang out with me more often. ♡

So even though I was woken up early by a roommate's phone call... I didn't really mind. I like my new roommates, and am more inclined to make allowances and feel tolerant towards their impact on my life. Besides, I knew she would be getting up early, and I had stayed up late. It's just a pity these friendly girls will all be leaving in two weeks.

Classes today were fun. Conversation Circles was easy, and as always a valuable exercise in exposure to other cultures. And I even finished my daily checklist. Well, almost; the shop I went to to drop off some electronics for recycling had closed down, but that isn't my own fault; I give myself credit for doing the thing. A setback will require me to do it over again, that's all.

And at the end of the day, I am altogether too proud of myself for a horrible pun I managed to put at the end of my short Microeconomics assignment, about the direct distribution razor company, Harry's, needing to continue to manage their brand positioning as new companies try to copy their distribution model, to maintain their 'edge'.

Visiting Facebook briefly to post a song of the day there which happened to be in my head, I scrolled through my history and paused at your name. I followed it to see a few more recent pictures of you, dear memory. However, I feel it's something I probably shouldn't have done. It felt creepily stalker-ish, although there was really very little to see. I think... Until my plan for return is set up and in motion, I should keep myself away.

When I have my plane ticket, my approval for funding, and it is time to break the silence... When I get the long-awaited treat of greeting you and asking whether you can meet me in a couple of weeks, when I will be there... Ah, hasten the day. Four years, I would despair of. Eight or nine months... I think I can bear with much better grace. Ah, if only. If only you could see me now, perhaps. If only you knew I was coming back for you.

But I am not allowed to tell you, and I cannot know that it would be for the better if I could.
Someday, I will come back, and probably look over any tracks you have left recently as of that time. Hints that you are, or are not, still in Athlone. Hints that you are, or are not, in a new relationship. But that day is a long way off yet. My heart has been crying desperately through much of the day, but not so much in sorrow. It is a desperate, dizzying hope and joy-of-hope, and it repeats: I love you! I love you! I love you!

I must retain my composure, and keep my head about me. My heart, though, flaps about in giddy circles like a bird on a leash. Here, and with my friends, I can speak of it honestly. Here, I dare to express my inner melodrama. Those who do not want it have no reason to come.

Goodnight, distant Memory. I still have not made up for the lost sleep. But I am happy, with the affection of real friends. It is great solace to remember, to experience, that you are not the only one who can listen with love, who can make me laugh, and invite me out to laugh at myself. I am happy, and that is better than sleep. I will catch up on it tonight, or the following night.

Term Hectic

Life has been a combination whirlwind and sinkhole for me recently.
I only just noticed I had not blogged in over a month. It's really no wonder that during the school months, I neglected it last year. I have my courses to handle, and right now assignments are getting on top of me. I have arrangements for my foreign exchange term to make, including lodging, furniture storage, finance and course selection. I have my primary and secondary relationships to juggle. A good problem to have, admittedly, but trying to stay sane while negotiating fights with one and jealousy with the other has been very draining.
In amongst all this, the biggest thing is trying to cope with my mood, my intense cravings for sleep, my utter not-willing-to-put-up-with-this feelings about the tumbling and crashing that keeps me from sleeping during any of the hours that the landlord and his family upstairs are awake (I'm so glad I'm moving at the beginning of December - oh, right, add that to the list of things I need to do and prepare for!). The schoolwork would not actually be much to get through if I could maintain my morale and just sit down and do 'em, but between exhaustion and exasperation, loneliness and pressure, it's a lot to manage and can easily leave me dazed and unproductive.
I'll get through it somehow or another. I have to, after all. I look forward to Ireland and the new term, after the arrangements and preparations and moving is all over. A new beginning, new lessons, a new setting. Europe! And when I come back, seeing Asha again in the summer months.
Well, why not dream far ahead, I suppose, right?

How I Spent My (Sex) Vacation

Hello dear diary blog.

I am back at home now after two several-day trips out of town. The first was to go visit a girlfriend and her girlfriend in St. Thomas not far away from the city. The second was a trip out to Scarborough to visit another old friend that I had had sex with before, and had for some time considered that it would be nice to go visit and do it again.

Both trips were wonderful.

I watched a movie. I played games, including Three Dragon Ante, Therapy, Gloom, Spelunky, Chess, Scrabble and Squarez. I faced my deep feelings of alienation, and cried aloud and wept. I slept on couches. I slept on an extremely comfortable bed. I cuddled. I kissed. I hugged. I had sex of various kinds. I had orgasms. I gave someone else orgasms. I watched and shared funny YouTube videos. I cooked and shared delicious meals. I dreamed up a game system. I went out walking and almost got lost. I came back home wishing I had more time to spend with the excellent people I was with. Twice.

Then I came back and I had an appointment with my counselor. I played some games at The Cardboard Cafe with my boyfriend and my roommate, drank expensive but good tea, and ate expensive but good snack food. Now we need to focus on getting together our rental application for an apartment we really want to move into, and submitting it with attached rent deposit. There is much to do...

Your Toilet Works Perfectly

Okay, story time. About a week ago or so, our toilet and sink started making burbling, gurgling noises from time to time. About half a week ago, the toilet started to pool when flushed instead of flushing properly, and this problem became worse until the point where we needed to borrow our landlord's plunger, which is better than ours, and plunge at the toilet every time it was flushed to get the water level to lower. There was no resistance to the plunging, but the water just refused to flow, and tended to come back up.

We have been dealing with this for several days.

Just now, when I was in the kitchen, a tremendous gurgle started in the toilet, then that silenced and the kitchen sink gurgled back at it just as loudly. Then the toilet and the sink and even the bathroom drain gurgled together, with a slightly directional progression from kitchen through bathroom and then away. It made the counter and floor tremble, whatever it was. And now the toilet flushes just fine again.

It was as though some bizarre creature had taken up residence in our plumbing, and just decided, "Fuck this place, I'm leaving."

It was a truly surreal experience.

Scattered Rambles: September Update

I've been feeling like it's been a while since I've written. I've been feeling often very busy though, and use that as an excuse to do other things.

The fall sale happened at the store recently and was only slightly less successful than the last sale, which was record-breaking. I had a nine hour shift, and that was now... four days ago? I am planning a vacation soon, to combat an increasing sense of burn out. Robby and I are being transferred onto the same Ontario Works account. I am increasingly interested in cooking. The other day I bought $78 of Forgotten Realms fiction from Goodwill; 35 paperbacks and two hardcover books. Hopefully I will get around to reading a fair bit of it.

I am ever more anxious to see our roommate leave and the new one arrive. I have considered to myself whether I might still feel like the house is not my own, but if there is anything about the new roommate coming that should ease my fears it is that he is a naturally very gentle person, not inclined to be hostile over small matters at all.

I had a plan to design some Hallowe'en adoptable critters for a trick or treating community game on Chicken Smoothie, and drew up five line arts for it. I had already digitized one of them and made at least two dozen variations of the creature on it, when I dropped my laptop. No damage was immediately obvious; it had not powered down immediately and ran as usual for a couple more hours, but when it froze and I shut it down, I was unable to start it up again. It would not boot, even from a USB recovery OS my friends advised me how to set up (using Robby's computer).

Since then, I've been using my old, slow desktop again. It is frustrating; I cannot both run a game and play a video at once without disruptive lag. I plan to call the retailer's warranty line after work today (I have been unable to for the past week due to their Mon-Fry 9-6 hours conflicting with my work hours, but today I have an early shift). I have been entertaining myself by watching YouTube videos, but I download them first with clipconverter.cc; otherwise, they would be very choppy. I have also been playing Pretend You're Xyzzy more often with the guys, and I've been building cardcast decks to use in the games, based on my fandoms or on nothing in particular. I have three public decks that I have been working on: Grimith, Dwarf Fortress, and Serpent's Standard, which is where I put anything I think of that I don't mind sharing publicly and doesn't belong in the other two.

Spring Summer

Greetings, dear readers.

I got over some of the slog of Amanda's second week here before too long. Robby has been very nice to me, and has made my life at home quite pleasant, though I still don't really like being around Nathan. I threw out my potted plants after a household fight, but the issues therein have since been resolved. I don't know whether I will try growing some late carrots or something. I might. Mostly, as always, I stay in bed when I'm not working.

A short time back, I had a very prolific few days for digital artwork, finishing several commissions on ChickenSmoothie in quick succession, and I've been happier at work, even though when I sort my back starts hurting badly, and last Sunday, I cleaned up semi-liquid shit from the walls and carpet in one of our changerooms, which someone had left us and tried to hide behind the chair. I don't know the story behind that, but apparently this is the only known time it's happened.

I have just finished my last challenge in a delightfully fun jaunt with a short indie game that combines match-3 puzzles with pseudo-random dungeon delving called 10000000. Yes, that's Ten Million. The goal of the game is to get ten million points, at which point you earn your freedom. It won't happen easily. Along the way, you explore dungeons to get gold which you can spend on better equipment, experience which you can spend on perks and abilities, and wood and stone which you need to rebuild and upgrade ruined rooms in your home in order to do so. It's well polished and good fun for a few hours, and has some very kickin' music. It's also available for only $5 US, as befits a short, coffee break type game. I recommend it to anyone to whom that sounds at all entertaining.

Household harmony has increased. Though I still have periods of substantial laziness, I feel that I've been getting used to doing dishes more often, and have minded less than before.

We had a guest over for a couple of days this week. We played two games of Dungeon Petz, which is also very fun, and hung out a bunch and ate together. It was good times, and there were cuddles and hugs.

I am starting to run out of my psych pills, and I don't think I was prescribed a refill. I suppose I may have to go talk to my clinic doctor about getting refills for them.

That's my life at the moment. It's not all that dramatic, but I am having some fun. Occasionally I dream of running a shelter or a low-cost inn of sorts, inspired by the cheap goods I work with at Goodwill. You'll hear from me again before too long, probably. Fare thee well, all.

A Series of Surprisingly Positive Events

Well. I guess it's been a while. I've been preoccupied.

Mostly, it's that my distant online primary relationship takes up a lot of my time. My young pup would honestly be very happy if he could play D&D 12 hours a day, and while I will admit, I'm getting back into playing and actually having fun with it (despite having gotten really really jaded with weaknesses due to, effectively, group cohesion and social stuff in my first campaign and subsequent attempts), I nevertheless cannot play that much - D&D is awesome (or can be, as is being proven again), but it wears me out if I overexpose myself to it. My mind needs to rest after being blown too hard. I might get dragged into playing for two to three hours almost every day anyway, though, more for his benefit because he's short on other people to play with than mine. To be fair, Pup does have some really neat and shiny campaign ideas. We are currently preparing a two-character-party Inquisitor game fashioned in the style of Van Helsing, or Brothers Grim... or the default setting of a more obscure role-playing system called Dogs of the Vineyard... in which we will take turns DMing adventures, but have both our characters work together all the time... sometimes I get to be the player without much OOC knowledge, and he gets to play as a DMPC, and sometimes the other way around.

Also, I just got a job! Yay! I just got back from a two hour orientation to get acquainted with things... the job is selling cellphone cases and accessories at a mall island shop booth called Speaking Phones. At first I felt kind of disgusting for putting myself so close to anything quite as covered in rhinestones and cheap as the merchandise seemed to be... but having taken a closer look and gotten acquainted with the prices... erm... it doesn't seem to be overpriced cheap glittery garbage after all. The prices are actually pretty damn good compared to other places I've seen, and there's a lot of really swanky gear, including a pair of shades with 2 gigabytes of built in data storage and earphones, for $50... though I'm not sure whether that does something independently or is to be used with a phone or MP3 player or what. The nature of the business even seems to be fairly low on paper or plastic wastage, my supervisor is a pleasant young lady who laughs at my jokes, used up every inch of the notebook that notes for the staff are written in, and is transferring inventory management to a fully electronic format... in this case meaning "write it down and save it in a notepad file if we're running low on anything". The whole thing seems sensibly run and down to earth, and while I keep being told the focus is on selling and up-selling, from watching my supervisor work, it is quite clear I'm not being asked to pressure sell.

I make a distinction between sales and customer service along the following lines: if the customer already knows they want something from me, and I help them find what they were looking for, show options, and happily lead them to make whatever choice they find preferable, it's customer service. If I have to tell the customer they want something, or tell them what to buy, it's sales. By that definition, this falls squarely in the realm of customer service, despite the fact that my title is "sales associate". And that is absolutely fine with me. I may find myself enjoying this job enough to want to stay at it rather than switching to something else, after all. It was... a lot easier than I expected it to be. All that procrastination and fear regarding a job search, and I actually get a job before I considered myself to have started doing it properly... Well. Um. Well. ...Okay? I guess life is easier when you play by the rules people expect you to. Or something.

The Powers of YouTube

This is likely to be a short update, because I feel compelled to post and reassure you all that I have not gone crazy with anxiety after my last post, but I don't actually feel I have a great deal to talk about.

To catch up, the anxiety was not the end of my fitness regime, but some recent frustration and depression due to the failure of a plan I had been getting rather invested in is causing some delays - by which I mean I'm upset and lazy and not doing it. For two days after my walking 11 km or so, I had a good excuse - my legs ached amazingly for a while, badly enough that I had to lean on banisters quite a lot while dealing with stairs, and even then walked like a rag doll in order not to bend my knees as much.

What plan, you might ask, was I so invested in? Our plan to move out of the tyrannical and unsupportive... and smelly... lodgings with my boyfriend's father, and into an apartment of our own, shared with another couple who are also facing concerns with their current living arrangements. Well, it turns out that a combination of Ontario Works bureaucracy and time constraints caused the only person involved who actually has any money right now to get cold-footed about investing in future shared living quarters, and back out... as far as I understand it, anyway. So, so much for that. I'd been looking forward to getting out of this mess with desperate excitement, so, I hope you'll understand, this setback has left me very grumbly and irritated.

As to what I've been doing in these precious days that I have not been working out... well... mostly playing either The Binding of Isaac or The Sims 3, and watching YouTube videos, as you might have guessed, given the title of this post.

Incidentally, I thoroughly suggest The Binding of Isaac to anyone who fancies classic gaming, clever systems of randomly generated level design with a generally tight, functional and simple play style, and things that make you ask "What the fuck is wrong with this game?" while simultaneously awed and disturbed at the imagery and strange content. You will die a lot. Be warned.

I don't particularly suggest The Sims 3, despite many impressive advances to the series, but chances are I really don't have to anyway.

Someone recently demonstrated to me the existence of a person called David Mitchell, who has a YouTube channel on which he occasionally rants about things that annoy him, or brings up things upon which he otherwise wishes to comment or make a suggestion about. The special effects in the visuals are impressive, and so is the wit. If you like my sense of humour (and if you don't, I can't understand why you would be reading my blog), you will probably also enjoy his.

I also, as a result of my partner's habitual browsing of Failblog, which I sometimes also take part in, I very recently discovered someone called C. G. P. Grey, who presents a variety of educational videos on his YouTube channel which are also well-made, delivered with impressive charisma and easy to understand, covering a variety of topics from time management to politics to misconceptions about animals, and even misconceptions about misconceptions (maybe).

And, for something completely different, John Cleese on the Monty Python channel reveals his insight into religion, stupidity, and the recently released game Skyrim, in this video.

Hopefully some of you find these links interesting and can forgive their contents for taking up most of my attention of late. I'll talk to you again once I have something new to say... Or possibly before then, if I feel, again, like I should do so.

Alejandro

(originally posted on FetLife on July 10, 2010)

Lady Gaga is not a subject I would normally admit to starting a conversation about...

But I had to sit myself down and do some real thinking about bias and bitterness when, after finding a link to one of these music videos, described by the linker (don't remember who, but it was on youtube) as a really interesting demonstration of gender assumptions and such things, and going there, and watching and listening...

Well. I like the song, I have to admit. But I found myself having a very hard time accepting that I liked a song performed by Lady Gaga. And I found myself thinking that if it had been done by Ace of Base instead, I could have loved it and had no issue of feeling like I'd just smiled and shaken hands with Adolf Hitler. Which makes no sense, because I'll admit, Ace of Base has made some songs I consider almost pukeworthy for being idiotic, cliched and shallow... and also some songs I consider brilliant, but that doesn't diminish the badness of the bad.

And this is why myself had to take me aside for a little talk about bias. In front of someone, because I find it almost impossible to talk through these things properly unless I'm talking "to" someone.

Is Lady Gaga evil?

Well... erhhm?

Come on, Emily, erhhm is not a functional answer. What exactly is your problem with her?

And, well. Sigh. It turns out my problem with Lady Gaga is that a great, great many careless idiots love her music. It's popular. Fullstop. That's it.

And -some- of it, I don't like based on content as -well-, quite definitely. But, as has been discovered, not all.

But this brings me back to a very old problem of mine (as a not very old girl, anyway) of hating the popular simply because it is popular and I believe for both reasons bitter and senseless and reasons rooted in intelligence and perception, AND reasons that other people just told me and I find believable (let's not be denying that I'm perfectly capable of adopting other peoples' opinions just because they sound good, too, that would be dishonest)... that the methods by which things become popular are stupid, stupid methods that should die.

The problem is that even assuming that it's true things become popular for incredibly stupid reasons (such as, for instance, that a great many idiots like them, as one of the less conspiratorial explanations), does NOT mean that anything selected by this process will necessarily be horrible. Only that it WON'T necessarily be good. There's a difference. And...

Alright. Does her music condone violence?

Um... No, not any songs that I know of, anyway.

Does it condone hatred then?

Er... I don't think so? Does coldness count? Apathy? Psychological power tripping? Some of them seem to condone that.

No. It doesn't count.

Well damnit.

Yep.

(Sigh) ... Alright! Alright. Lady Gaga is not... Hang on wait! Um - Some of her songs may condone stupidity?

(Impatient sigh) Yes?

Well... ... Umm... ... Okay, okay! Fuck it. Fine! Lady Gaga is not evil.

Thank you. And?

(reluctant mumble) and it's not fair to hate her because she's popular...

And?

S'ry.

Well, there now. That wasn't so hard, was it?

Mumble mumble should have been harder mumble.

Oh, come on now, none of that.

... And in fact... Well. There -are- some really interesting and bizarre things in what she's doing there. Getting a small group of butch-looking men in militay uniform to dance in her own feminine style (and presenting a bunch of men almost naked wearing spiky heeled shoes) - and the resulting image, and how it looks to someone living in this culture (if you're watching one of the men in those scenes, and not her, for a minute - incredibly silly) DOES say a lot about gender roles, and about the repression and pressure and limitations on -men-...

Is it really any wonder we see so many crossdressers and "sissies" on FetLife? Us genetic females aren't the only ones who like to experiment with acting and dressing, and dancing, etc, in different ways.

I think there's something here I haven't been paying enough attention to the value of, because I've been a bit blinded by stupid hate.

And that... Well. It hurts. It's extremely embarassing and sad.

Let it never, ever be said that intelligent people are above stupidity.

And let it never be assumed that we should have to be.

Now that would be unreasonable bias.

SS

About a Year Passes.

You know... sometimes you can't see progress until you compare different things from over a long period of time.

Not that it's very material progress, mind you. I have moved several times, completely failed to find a doctor or counselor that I can live with, and have spent about 3-4 months volunteering, no time at all actually employed.

But... Now, think back... What were my GOALS? Originally, I mean. When I made this blog. Sometimes you have to dig to find them, but not very far in this instance, I listed them on my first post.

"The intended effects of this project are:

• to allow me to understand, communicate, and solve, some of my own personal issues with greater confidence
• to gain respect and opportunities for my academic abilities
• to improve my own morale and overall confidence and assist in gradual recovery from my depression and anxiety"

And amazingly... while I have completely and utterly neglected to actually study rationalism, as I had set out to do... I have made progress on the fronts that I was, essentially, intending to make progress on.

To allow me to understand, communicate, and solve, some of my own personal issues with greater confidence.

Simply living through my life experiences in the most honest and self-aware ways I could has accomplished this naturally. Though I experience a lot of conflict and tend to inflate it before resolving it, I have learned more about myself and how I function, and have gotten gradually better at self-presenting in ways that are accurate, defining what I am looking for, and even, in some ways, actually looking for it. I still have a very long way to go, especially on that last front. I have developed new relationships and somehow managed to still be in the one I was in when I started this blog. It isn't perfect, and it's certainly not smooth. But in some fundamental way, as fucked up as it is, it's working.

Just like Western civilization, ba dum tish.

Humour is a wonderful way to soothe personal issues. Such as, for example, being far too uptight. I think I am generally much more relaxed now. This is a good thing. If I can remember the last time I had a major panic attack, it was a very long time ago. This is a very good thing. I have become much better at telling people when I am angry or upset or offended and what about. Et cetera.

Of course, this is all just maturing, and should come with time.

But a lot of people manage to avoid it, and I'm not, so I'll take that credit, thank you very much.

To gain respect and opportunities for my academic abilities

As respect from an outside community does not come if you fail to act to impress it, I have not obtained much of it, except from friends and briefly impressed strangers. Admittedly, I have not actively pursued this goal, and as such have not attained it. This may change. Maybe.

To improve my own morale and overall confidence and assist in gradual recovery from my depression and anxiety

Ahh, the holy grail, and the biggest, baddest, and most urgent of my (cl)aims. In case it has not already been made clear... I have made substantial progress on this ground. While I have not found a doctor I like or trust, I did, for a while, have a doctor, and I got my blood checked out. It turns out I have hypothyroidism, which often mimics depression and anxiety in many ways. It took me quite a long time to accept that I did, in fact, need the supplements which would balance out this issue, and so I had many false starts in taking them.

I have now been doing so for over a month, fairly reliably. I miss one here and there when I fail to plug in my alarm clock or something, but I am now in the habit, and the neutralizing effect on my mood has been noticeable. While still stormy and wrathful, and inclined to be enraged by stupid things in the world, I find myself less often stuck in a depression and unable to get out. The depressions I do feel can be reasonably tied to external factors, like the unpleasant living conditions I am currently enduring - I live in a cramped room with no storage and quite a lot of mess (storage is necessary for organization, unless you're content with categorical piles of stuff), in an apartment rented by a passive-aggressive authority figure (boyfriend's dad) I actively dislike, and I believe the feeling is likely mutual. I lack the motivation to actively work on quite a few things that I do want to accomplish in time, but that is largely tied to being in a state and place which is intended to be transitory. I don't, for example, want to find a job here, because I want to move to London, and getting a job here would necessitate staying.

Confidence comes better with stability, better still with action and progress.

I have started working out. I've done two days of it so far, and have been happily announcing this achievement to everyone I know. I'm starting reasonably small - just enough, every other day, to make me ache on the off days. I'll build on this over time.

My partner and I have also started to change our eating habits, albeit slowly. We're doing a meal replacement thing with protein shakes once a day. I expect we'll make it two later on, when we have more of a sense of our sleeping and waking and eating schedule. This promises, interestingly enough, to make grocery shopping likely quite a bit cheaper. Which is useful, for the unemployed. We'll see how much as time goes on.

I hope to start posting here about everyday things more often, whether they are rational and on the original topic or not. Maybe build a few readers. Have a public diary, kind of thing. I've never been able to keep a diary (I'm sure you'd never have guessed). And it's not just that I fail at committing to things. It always seemed profoundly pointless writing down my thoughts, expressing myself, without any expectation of actually sharing it with anyone.

So welcome. Be the audience to bits and pieces of my life, if you care to. For now, I'm going to post here a couple of things that I wrote in other communities that I would like to make visible here as well. I think I will store some of my poetry here. After all, it's one of the things I'd like to share. I might start posting art, too, at some point, because it's something I do sometimes and want to display and show off, even if I'm not all that good at it.

To clarify, here - I have been drawing for a long time, and the experience does show. I'm not bad, for an occasionally-practicing amateur, but not as good as I'd like to be, either, and I have been out of the habit for a while, so at the moment I'm probably not even as good at it as I have been in the past. We'll just have to see.

As to the satisfaction of realizing and working towards my goals even without much structure or any study at all... Is it a cop-out for me to claim success on my goals without having worked on them in the way I promised to? Of course it is. But that's okay. I have not been pursuing the study of rationality... but I have, occasionally, in small ways, been acting in a rational way - a way that got me closer to where I wanted to be. So is that a success? Is that really good enough?

Well, if you tell me it isn't, I can tell you where to shove your expectations of me.

I'm back, baby. And this time... I'm not taking myself quite so seriously.

Serpent Stare Out.