To Be Happy

This may be the best night of my life.

The day... was beautiful. I went out and bought a birthday present for my Robby that was both expensive enough it made me reflect on how incredibly much more I can afford to do now that I'm working, and something I'm sure he'll love.

I stopped to play piano again at MSP for the first time in a long time, and got praise showered upon me again for it.

On the way home, there was a sudden, intense cloudburst shower, and I grinned and laughed and giggled at people I passed while walking home.

I cooked a fine meal.

This evening, my mother messaged me. After a string of passive aggressiveness and clumsy attempts to force me to take responsibility for her long abuse of me in my childhood, I told her with extraordinarily satisfying malice that if she kept sending me messages tonight, I would block her, just like I blocked Pup for a month, when he deserved it. I gave her the same three. She only used one more, and logged off. She made it such an awful one that I was tempted to block her anyway, but Robby talked me out of it. I must have finally remembered Dan Savage's words, in that one video... "Your leverage over your parents is your participation in their lives."

Later that night, Damon came for a visit, and I mothered the heck out of him. I made sure he was well fed, and gave him food to take with him, as he has not had enough in his pantry of late. At the bus stop before he left... He kissed me...

I had either forgotten how good his kisses were, or he's gotten better at it since it last happened.

...I guess we still have that old spark glowing strong.

And then I went to see Robby, who after all is now my primary, and after a dramatic romantic moment with someone else, deserves my reaffirmations and attention.

And I found a new and interesting way to completely blow his mind.

...

This may be the best night of my life.

I think I'm in subspace.

Wheeeeeeeeeeee.

Oh, yes. One more thing. Possibly the most important thing of all. Before I fought with my mom, I... While frustrated with my own moodiness because I was getting upset at Robby for something silly, and didn't want to be upset...

I thought to myself, and realized...

I want to be happy.

I actually. Want. To be happy.

Not just to not be feeling this, not just for the misery to go away.

To be happy.

...And here I am...

Singin' With My Sisters

Thursday is Music Jam day from 11 to noon at My Sister's Place. I'm not really there often, but I've been there and enjoyed the music a few times. I usually stand against a pillar and sing along, as everyone else does  sitting around the tables, while whoever's at the microphone sings and the accompanists play piano and/or ukulele...

Skill levels vary. Anyone's welcome to take the mic. I never have here before. I know I'm more than good enough that my singing would be enjoyed... but there's too much chance of choking or freezing up, either due to my social anxiety, or because I'm too touched by the song to keep my voice steady. It's a genuine risk with some tunes, especially Hallelujah.

Today, near the end of the session, I actually got up myself to sing a song. Yesterday, by the Beatles, one of a reasonable but small handful of songs in the Music Jam songbook that I know, and like, well enough to be interested in singing. It took a little steel, but wasn't as hard as it might have been, and much like playing piano, I got a fair few compliments afterward. No complaints. This time, anyway. Someone who had been trying to get me to sing gave me a double thumbs up from across the room, and I think I heard the pianist say through the crowd that I made her day. She did definitely mention that no-one sings that song, despite how beautiful it is, because the range is so broad it's almost inevitably either too high in the highest parts or too low in the lowest ones. It's true. I had to shift awkwardly between chest and head voice to sing it, but I remembered the tune and rhythm and enjoyed singing.

It was a little awkward also because I couldn't hear my voice coming through the speaker while I was behind the mic, so I couldn't tell how well it was coming through. Ah, well. What's important, and true, is that I stood up and took the mic for once rather than singing in the background behind someone else. It was... nice. And probably counts as something towards cognitive behavioral therapy, one of many steps to push my comfort levels and beat back anxiety one moment and one decision at a time.

I also got my hair trimmed and got a big load of laundry done while I was here today. Keeping things in order and modestly maintained... Things keep going. The haircut looks simple and flat-edged to me, but I trust it's not bad. The haircut lady was pleasant and polite, and it was nice being combed. She took care only to cut a little bit, just enough to clean up and get rid of the split ends, rather than shortening it significantly. My hair is still very long, and probably doesn't look that different. I hope the slight improvement in neatness will make me look a little more professional and neat.

Moving In

Hmm...

Well, that happened. I've paid my first and last, though it was a bit more than I had been told (by $25 a month), and the whole affair was a bit unprofessional and uncertain. The landlord seems to be unused to so much paperwork and wasn't really sure what to do, but we have a copy of the rent agreement (I intend to make two copies, one for OW and one for me), and I have a receipt for first and last months' rent paid up.

I haven't got any furniture there... yet, but Steven has a military cot hanging around (for some reason) that he's given me for the interim to sleep on.

The kitchen and... well, to be honest, the whole apartment is kind of grubby and a bit of a mess, but I should be able to put a bit of organizing and cleaning into it so that it's comfortably clean.

I also have one cost estimate form from a father & son used furniture store for $555 for a bed and bed-frame, chair or sofa, assorted kitchenware and housewares and a dresser, and intend to get another cost estimate from a cellphone provider, to hand them both in for my remaining community start-up money.

Tomorrow I meet Damon and he can tell me when his family can help me move in my stuff from Kat and Colin's house.

This evening, I walked to My Sister's Place, and there was some very rich and frankly delicious leftover cream of broccoli soup available to be eaten (albeit out of tea cups because they ran out of bowls) and I ate my fill of it, plus one small slice of fluffy white cake. I am contently full, and thankful to this place for giving me food tonight. I had been hungry.

That's my status for the time being.