The Pup has left.
He threatened to block me, and I held him to it. One does not make such threats against me and then not follow through. We are partners no more, although if I said he was not still someone I love, I would be lying. May his path shine, always, even though he cannot see it. Glory, victory, to the Sunchild. Away from me, where his parasitic claws can bite and sting no more.
I called upon a bunny boy who catalyzed his departure to walk with me while I dealt, coldly, silently, with my anger, guilt, rage and conflictedness. The bunny boy supplants him after all, it seems, just as he had feared, and indeed, because he had feared, and let the fear turn him into a lashing, biting beast.
Who is the rabbit? Another fur, of course. Local, clever... He tells me my brain is very sexy and challenges him to think constantly. I'm pretty happy about that. I won't say a great deal about him, as I wouldn't want to out him to anyone. That's his own job. It seems that perhaps, though, he may be my gateway into the community properly, as it were.
I have been scattered, as you might expect, but doing job search stuff. Today, as I write this, I am procrastinating on approaching some people in person for information. It will be difficult and stressful, fraught with my anxieties. I can do it... And I intend to do it today. We'll see what happens.
Stay tuned. Life continues to get progressively more interesting.
It sounds like he was in a lot of pain. It says a lot that you're able to move on from him so quickly and seamlessly, and see it as a positive that he's out of your life forever.
ReplyDeleteYes. It says a lot about me, about him, about the state of our relationship.
DeleteI wonder, does he read these?
ReplyDeleteI begin to suspect he might.
DeleteI hope he finds your honesty and open nature in these blogs helpful then, it certainly makes for a good read.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteAlso, congratulations on being my first ever comment poster.
I noticed you didn't have any, I really didn't understand why! Your writing is so wise and well thought out and honest! It really makes me wonder why a guy would let things slip with you. You seem like a kick ass person!
ReplyDeleteI posted some insight straight from the horse's mouth, as it were, in my newest post. Maybe it will show you why? Or how? Or say even more about him, and me, and our relationship.
DeleteI read through it, and all I can say is wow. It's really awesome that you gave him the chance to do that, a lot of couples don't even let that happen, and just end things with bad blood. It seemed like he really wanted to fix things too. I think you made the right decision, but I'd be interested to see what would happen if you both came back to this conversation in six months. He doesn't seem like all that bad a kid, just a little angry at the world, with this stacked on top of him. I really hope that the time away helps him heal, because it sounds like the other outcome is that he turns the claws you mentioned on himself. You don't deserve to bear that burden. It's not your fault if he does, but it really would be a loss if he did that instead of learning and growing.
ReplyDeleteIt also seems like you were harsher with him on there than in your thoughts in this post. I feel like that really pushed him to desperation, but if that's what you were doing, it was probably better to do than give him more fuel to torment himself with, knowing that you still care about what happens to him. He's already got a lot on his shoulders now, and it either would have helped him, or made it so much worse. =(
I've rambled on wayyyyyyy too long, I'm sorry. I hope this didn't offend you, please correct me if I was off the mark. I really appreciated seeing both sides, and wish I could help him or you. It seems like you've got the bunny to rely on, do you know if he's got/would be looking for someone to help him out?
I know Pup has at least one person I know of who intends to be there for him. Although he would tell me, and has done, that I was the only one.
ReplyDeleteI have quite a few.
I guess I can understand that, it's not always easy to keep in mind the people you have around you when an important one leaves.
DeleteI hope my other questions didn't bother you =( I realize they weren't exactly kind to you or him.
Hey, it's okay to have an opinion. I post things online where everyone can see them - I'm not going to snatch them away and growl because they respond.
ReplyDeleteIt's cool, mate. Your questions have not been intrusive. Although... honestly... At first, I thought you were him trying to guilt trip me, saying "It sounds like he was in a lot of pain. It says a lot that you're able to move on from him so quickly and seamlessly, and see it as a positive that he's out of your life forever." It's something he would have said.
I've got an image of that in my head now =) And thanks, I was worried that I'd made you miffed by wanting to help him/make sure he was helped, and by analyzing what you posted that way, and didn't want to comment on it as a result.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like it might have been a bad idea to invite him over though, especially if you're living/going to be living with the bunny, though I don't know if you plan on that. Was he really that bad though, that you think he'd try that? The way you talked about him before, he seemed really sweet (don't they all though?)
I was simply conceding to myself that what I thought I knew about him seemed to be turning wrong.
ReplyDeleteI do not live with the bunny boy. He just lives kind of nearby.
That makes some sense, if he's cast doubt on one facet of what you knew about him, it follows to at least question the others. I think he'd be a really great, interesting person to know, and just has more issues than you were willing to work through, or he crossed a line he can't uncross now.
ReplyDeleteAww, that's a shame! At least he's close by though =) Maybe someday, one of these posts will talk about how you moved in and found true love with the bunny, and you and the puppy came to be casual friends again. Sorry, I'm a sucker for happy endings =3
All love is true, even if it doesn't end well. <3
DeleteEither that or twoo wuv does not exist.
Or both.
Take your pick.
That's actually really sweet and kind. It also shows just how mature you are about this, despite everything. I think that he'll come to see the same. Maybe he'll even be able to take comfort in that idea, and be able to move on using it. Knowing that you don't just want him to do well in life, but that you love him, despite everything.
ReplyDeleteI know I want you two to reconcile somewhere down the road, but even if you never do, there was love there, and if he didn't ruin it with the conversation you posted today, maybe that'll reach out to him somehow =) I'm not big on religion, but an energy exchange maybe? Sending out positive waves of...maybe not forgiveness, but love and well wishes? Maybe some sorrow and regret thrown in. I kind of picture it feeling like you caressing his cheek at night, and reminding him he's not all bad.