That I could care for all mankind
as though they were my darkened sons
that lit the day and cast such light
to guide my sight through lonely storms
That I could dream as children may
of peace on earth and guileless trade
through age until my dying day
though naivety is born to fade
That I could live a life unfeard
the scorching brace of hate avoid
and suffer not the shyness
painful memories employ
That I could in my kin inspire
a love that from no heart would turn
Yet failing me, I close my eye
and live in shadows crisp and stern
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Holidays in Narnia
So, readers, if you're out there; Merry Christmas... Although I don't wish to discredit or dismiss whatever other feelings or traditions you may have about the season, by any means. I am up North a bit, in country much closer to the home I once new, for Christmas. I am staying with my boyfriend's family. I imagine they will forgive me for calling them simple country folk, in a way that does not necessarily mean stupid. They offer me good food, but not fancy, and pleasant treats, and I spent the morning this morning playing euchre and then poker with them. I lost the bets (no-one was really in for money anyway) but like to think I won some respect and hopefully a good first impression.
A few days past, Robby and I and our group of internet friends exchanged presents in a Skype call (since they are quite far away most of the time, some more than others). Robby received many interesting presents, mostly toys. Among them was a copy of the Anhk-Morpork board game. More specifically, it was the copy once owned by Spoony, signed and dedicated to him by name. He was elated. We played it today, and it was great fun, especially the novelty of recognizing the characters from the books and explaining to him who Mrs. Cake was, and other such magnificent tidbits of knowledge. From the beginning, he thought I was playing as Commander Vimes, one of my favorite Discworld characters, because I said from the start that I really liked the character I was playing as. Then he used Mrs. Cake, which allowed him to look at all but one of the unused characters, and saw that I was not Vimes. I was, in fact, Lord Vetinari, who is another of my favorite characters. He, on the other hand, was playing as the Dragon King of Arms. In the end, he won, after gaily and playfully spreading chaos across the city, and causing the people to long for the slightly more stable days when they had a True King. Given Vimes's canonical thoughts on the matter, it would have been a very appropriate and poignant match, I think, if I had been Vimes, and he and the body attempting to reinstate monarchy had been facing off over the city. I look forward to thoroughly enjoying many more games of it in the future, and recommend it to any Discworld fans out there.
The snow outside is deep, the roads winding. It took us a nearly five hour long road trip to get here. Robby and I are sharing a room upstairs, as opposed to in the basement where we thought we would be staying, but it's comfortable enough - for me at least; Robby felt the bed was too small for him to properly spread his body out, and was too warm last night. It was pleasant cuddling up with him, though.
I look forward with excitement to seeing these people open the presents I brought for them, and finding out whether there will be anything for me to unwrap in my turn. Unfortunately I didn't have much of that nature at our internet friend present exchange. The others didn't feel they knew me well enough yet to buy for me and the only physical thing I got was a pig-shaped piece of soap. However, I did recieve non-physical gifts. Two friends sent me video games on Steam (three if you count Robby himself, who amusingly forgot to buy me any Christmas present until just a couple days before we left for his grandparents' house), and one sent me two albums of music my Jami Sieber, after asking me if there were any albums I wanted. They have my happy and quiet thanks.
Also, I do have a computer working again at home. It cost over seven times what my old one cost, and doesn't work as well. But thankfully it doesn't suffer from Cyclical Redundancy Check problems, which is at least something. I'm not sure yet whether I want to bother bringing it back in for an exchange within its thirty day warranty period... After all, I wasn't expecting to get a better deal than the computer I had before, old though it was. Still, though, the difference is rather discouraging. At least I can do art with it. My Chickensmoothie art shop is doing well, and I've received and completed five commissions since it started up again a couple of weeks ago. I also drew some artwork to give to my internet friends as gifts, both traditional and digital in form. I believe both pieces were thoroughly enjoyed by their recipients.
A few days past, Robby and I and our group of internet friends exchanged presents in a Skype call (since they are quite far away most of the time, some more than others). Robby received many interesting presents, mostly toys. Among them was a copy of the Anhk-Morpork board game. More specifically, it was the copy once owned by Spoony, signed and dedicated to him by name. He was elated. We played it today, and it was great fun, especially the novelty of recognizing the characters from the books and explaining to him who Mrs. Cake was, and other such magnificent tidbits of knowledge. From the beginning, he thought I was playing as Commander Vimes, one of my favorite Discworld characters, because I said from the start that I really liked the character I was playing as. Then he used Mrs. Cake, which allowed him to look at all but one of the unused characters, and saw that I was not Vimes. I was, in fact, Lord Vetinari, who is another of my favorite characters. He, on the other hand, was playing as the Dragon King of Arms. In the end, he won, after gaily and playfully spreading chaos across the city, and causing the people to long for the slightly more stable days when they had a True King. Given Vimes's canonical thoughts on the matter, it would have been a very appropriate and poignant match, I think, if I had been Vimes, and he and the body attempting to reinstate monarchy had been facing off over the city. I look forward to thoroughly enjoying many more games of it in the future, and recommend it to any Discworld fans out there.
The snow outside is deep, the roads winding. It took us a nearly five hour long road trip to get here. Robby and I are sharing a room upstairs, as opposed to in the basement where we thought we would be staying, but it's comfortable enough - for me at least; Robby felt the bed was too small for him to properly spread his body out, and was too warm last night. It was pleasant cuddling up with him, though.
I look forward with excitement to seeing these people open the presents I brought for them, and finding out whether there will be anything for me to unwrap in my turn. Unfortunately I didn't have much of that nature at our internet friend present exchange. The others didn't feel they knew me well enough yet to buy for me and the only physical thing I got was a pig-shaped piece of soap. However, I did recieve non-physical gifts. Two friends sent me video games on Steam (three if you count Robby himself, who amusingly forgot to buy me any Christmas present until just a couple days before we left for his grandparents' house), and one sent me two albums of music my Jami Sieber, after asking me if there were any albums I wanted. They have my happy and quiet thanks.
Also, I do have a computer working again at home. It cost over seven times what my old one cost, and doesn't work as well. But thankfully it doesn't suffer from Cyclical Redundancy Check problems, which is at least something. I'm not sure yet whether I want to bother bringing it back in for an exchange within its thirty day warranty period... After all, I wasn't expecting to get a better deal than the computer I had before, old though it was. Still, though, the difference is rather discouraging. At least I can do art with it. My Chickensmoothie art shop is doing well, and I've received and completed five commissions since it started up again a couple of weeks ago. I also drew some artwork to give to my internet friends as gifts, both traditional and digital in form. I believe both pieces were thoroughly enjoyed by their recipients.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
A Season of Carols
Time is passing, passing along...
Work has become more and more habitual and easy. I go about my duties with unhurried calm most of the time, and feel competent and a little as though I am in a trance. The snow drifting outside the windows on snowy days, and serene or gently moody Christmas carols can be hypnotizing. It seems like we always have far more to do than we can realistically get done, but I am coming to understand that this is the way the store is meant to be run. Perfection is not expected, just a continuing effort to improve the worst problems, tidy the worst messes, and keep things running.
Customers ask me if I am working hard, and sometimes I am so relaxed I wonder if they are perhaps being sarcastic, but I am careful not to fall idle, and always be doing something useful to the store.
About a week ago, I decided to take up a piece of digital artwork I had promised a friend a year or so before, and ended up surprising myself by working for seven hours, and finishing it. I opened up artwork commissions on ChickenSmoothie again, which is basically an art trading site, but most of that art trading is in the form of official site collectable pets. It's not "professional", since it's not actually money, but it is reassuring to know that there are people who will trade me something that has value to them, and to the community we are participating in, in exchange for the quality of artwork I produce.
Doing art seems to make me happier, and the commissions help me focus and finish.
Unfortunately, my computer at home has encountered a somewhat serious problem, and is now not starting up Windows at all, not even in Safe Mode. It seems to be getting stuck on a file called SPTD.sys. I've had a lot of problems with corrupt files and cyclical reduncancy checks recently, and I knew my computer was deteriorating, so I'm not surprised. I've been wanting to replace it for a while now, but I have been spending my money on other things: repaying an old debt to a friend, housewares and winter garments, games, Christmas presents... I'll have to get a cheap replacement as soon as is reasonably convenient. Hopefully within the month. I'm not sure what I'll spend my time doing at home without one. For now, I'm staying with my boyfriend again. Being alone without computer and internet access is lonely and boring. Being with my boyfriend is neither, and thus greatly preferable.
I still wonder where I'm going and how I will progress. I am feeling more and more confident in my present role. I even managed to get some resolution and a greater feeling of respect and appreciation after a mild confrontation with a co-worker with whom I was having some conflict.
I wonder sometimes if I am getting too comfortable, and a bit lax. Perhaps I should ask my co-workers and managers what they think. I wonder sometimes if I am becoming more sheltered and recluse, or complacent about the world and my ideals... I'm not sure who to talk to or what to do about that. It doesn't concern me all that much, though. I have time to bide and wait, and find something.
Oh. Also, I noticed something. Both at work and in my life surrounding it, I notice that I tend to get bored and despondent if things get too easy. The first big snowfall of the season, I walked to work and then to my boyfriend's house along the side of the road because the unshoveled sidewalks were knee-deep in snow... And I was elated by the challenge, the opportunity to get there anyway, do something -interesting-. I notice that I need a certain amount of adversity in my life, or I get bored and start to feel worthless and uninterested. My boyfriend thinks that is probably a sign of adaptation to a life that has been too hard. Perhaps. It is a useful revelation, though. Perhaps I can remember to make use of it, if I start to feel that boredom.
Work has become more and more habitual and easy. I go about my duties with unhurried calm most of the time, and feel competent and a little as though I am in a trance. The snow drifting outside the windows on snowy days, and serene or gently moody Christmas carols can be hypnotizing. It seems like we always have far more to do than we can realistically get done, but I am coming to understand that this is the way the store is meant to be run. Perfection is not expected, just a continuing effort to improve the worst problems, tidy the worst messes, and keep things running.
Customers ask me if I am working hard, and sometimes I am so relaxed I wonder if they are perhaps being sarcastic, but I am careful not to fall idle, and always be doing something useful to the store.
About a week ago, I decided to take up a piece of digital artwork I had promised a friend a year or so before, and ended up surprising myself by working for seven hours, and finishing it. I opened up artwork commissions on ChickenSmoothie again, which is basically an art trading site, but most of that art trading is in the form of official site collectable pets. It's not "professional", since it's not actually money, but it is reassuring to know that there are people who will trade me something that has value to them, and to the community we are participating in, in exchange for the quality of artwork I produce.
Doing art seems to make me happier, and the commissions help me focus and finish.
Unfortunately, my computer at home has encountered a somewhat serious problem, and is now not starting up Windows at all, not even in Safe Mode. It seems to be getting stuck on a file called SPTD.sys. I've had a lot of problems with corrupt files and cyclical reduncancy checks recently, and I knew my computer was deteriorating, so I'm not surprised. I've been wanting to replace it for a while now, but I have been spending my money on other things: repaying an old debt to a friend, housewares and winter garments, games, Christmas presents... I'll have to get a cheap replacement as soon as is reasonably convenient. Hopefully within the month. I'm not sure what I'll spend my time doing at home without one. For now, I'm staying with my boyfriend again. Being alone without computer and internet access is lonely and boring. Being with my boyfriend is neither, and thus greatly preferable.
I still wonder where I'm going and how I will progress. I am feeling more and more confident in my present role. I even managed to get some resolution and a greater feeling of respect and appreciation after a mild confrontation with a co-worker with whom I was having some conflict.
I wonder sometimes if I am getting too comfortable, and a bit lax. Perhaps I should ask my co-workers and managers what they think. I wonder sometimes if I am becoming more sheltered and recluse, or complacent about the world and my ideals... I'm not sure who to talk to or what to do about that. It doesn't concern me all that much, though. I have time to bide and wait, and find something.
Oh. Also, I noticed something. Both at work and in my life surrounding it, I notice that I tend to get bored and despondent if things get too easy. The first big snowfall of the season, I walked to work and then to my boyfriend's house along the side of the road because the unshoveled sidewalks were knee-deep in snow... And I was elated by the challenge, the opportunity to get there anyway, do something -interesting-. I notice that I need a certain amount of adversity in my life, or I get bored and start to feel worthless and uninterested. My boyfriend thinks that is probably a sign of adaptation to a life that has been too hard. Perhaps. It is a useful revelation, though. Perhaps I can remember to make use of it, if I start to feel that boredom.
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