Written last week, uploaded today.
I deliberately came to the laundromat hungry, planning to grab a $6 pad thai from the Vietnamese grill next door... But for some reason they're closed. The paper sign still says "Come in We're Open" and there's no notice anywhere about not being open Mondays or for this Monday in particular that I can see, but nevertheless, it's closed. Well, that's annoying. I could eat at another nearby restaurant, but I really wanted a pad thai. I guess I'll write a bit instead.
So the school term is over (sorry I didn't blog during school). I wrote my last exam this morning at 8 AM. I confess, I didn't study and kind of half assed it. There were a couple of things on the exam I honestly didn't know, so I just wrote my best guesses. In my defense... Unless my expectations of how much effort it takes me to succeed academically are way off, I'll be passing the course in the highest bracket (A+) anyway. I calculated how well I had to do on my final exams ahead of time so that I'd know how much effort to put in... And in the college's system, there's no difference, no reward or consequence, for getting a 95 or even a 100 instead of a 90. I'm a little sad about that... But also willing to take advantage of it to do less work here at the end of term when I'm feeling burnt out and don't want to study. Well, if it makes no difference to my college standing, then the only reason it would make a difference is if I'm actually learning something useful from reading the material. Sometimes I am; this Ethics course has had some good writings in the textbook. I've always found it hard to motivate myself to do something effortful for only my own benefit, though.
The term has gone well. The last month of it I was constantly working on some form of group presentation assignment, though. That was frustrating. Trying to co-ordinate with other students is harder than just doing the entire assignment myself and according to my own understanding and vision. Other people... Either you have to put effort into finding them something to do, or you have to compromise with them.
Aside from school, I've really been lazing at home a lot, and socializing with my close friends. My sleep patterns are all messed up and I really don't want to work out at the gym anymore... After a really awkward bad day when I got rain-soaked, took time to shower at home to be in a better condition to train and showed up for an appointment late... and was only told then that they didn't serve late appointment arrivals. I wish it was only reluctance to exercise that kept me from the place. I was doing a reasonably good job of overcoming that, when I liked the place and the people.
Of course, most of it is just a sort of lazy, brain dead feeling. I'm procrastinating on all sorts of other things at home, including trying pitching my new tent to make sure I know how to do it before I get to the base camp for my summer job planting trees... I'm looking forward to it with some dread. I'm not sure I'll have the resilience to get through the season intact rather than giving up. I'm determined to try, though. It's hard to even see it as real right now.
At least I'm getting my laundry done right now. That's one item on which I've defeated procrastination - for the moment. And hey, I'm blogging. That's cool, right?
My girlfriends invited me to visit them in St. Thomas... But I've been feeling disconnected from them recently. We haven't spoken much in a while, and the rare times we have, my tiredness and a bit of friction with their attitudes led to it not being much fun. We didn't fight; just all got kind of tired and bored and wandered off because we, well, literally weren't having much fun. Another time, maybe. I hope so, but I fear the worst.
Oh, I broke up with my boyfriend by the way. We were just falling apart. It's a pity. There's good in him... But I was too desperate when this whole thing started, and overlooked the problems. I see that now. It's probably also been contributing to my loneliness. For now, we seem to alternate between awkward cold-shoulderedness in which we don't enjoy tolerating one anothers' flaws and presence and amiable friendliness when that's not a present concern. We can still hug and have good conversations sometimes. Pointlessly bitter arguments other times. We're both looking forward to being apart, in a way. I think it still hurts my heart a bit that it didn't work out, but I can see why at least. Perhaps we'll get along better when we don't live together anymore, or after he hasn't seen me for a long time. Maybe that will make it easier for him not to assume that I'm still the way I used to be. A lot has changed, and a lot of his beefs about me are residual from elements and habits I'm trying to leave in the past and grow out of, but they still taint his opinion of me. Inevitable, I guess.
