An Open Love Letter

To my darling Ashlynn...

As I rest here and contemplate the day we've had, listening to you occasionally begin to snore... My feelings are complicated and uncertain. But then, they always are, aren't they? It is not as dramatic as I'm used to. I have a mild headache. I'm slightly tired. I guess I'm content. Nothing flashy, just a gentle, faintly smug feeling that things are all right.
The gratitude was real. The satisfaction of rubbing your feet and knowing that you are appreciating my hands. I am confident that I am doing reasonably well, and that you will miss me when I have to leave, and look back on this time fondly. There has never been any question whether I will miss you.

I am a creature with an extraordinary perspective, and I carry an extraordinary weight. She who helps me shoulder it? That is just one of the things that makes her, too, extraordinary. And yet, we are ordinary within the frames in which we live. You chatting with your friends and co-workers. Me playing Binding of Isaac in idle moments. Sharing music, sharing videos, eating pizza and ice cream. I am reminded of Doctor Who commenting on the beauty and freedom of regular, everyday people, and for once, for a little while, I feel just a little less afraid of age and dying.

I think I will still be afraid of losing you until, one way or another, the last goodbye ever said between us falls on dead ears. In the mean time, fear is balanced and comforted by your presence and your bizarre devotion to this restless wanderer. I dream of journeying with you and do not know, now, what will or won't happen. I have my dreams and so do you, in this strange world of cynicism and conveniences built up on other cynicisms and conveniences through year after year, in this cute little old city, part old and part new. I lay next to you and type. You lay next to me and sleep. You'll work tonight. In another week I'll go home and then it will be months upon months before I will likely touch your face again, but for now I'm here, and the world isn't perfect and dramatic just because I'm here. I am not quite able to whisk you away into a fairytale as much as I might like to.

But you tell me you needed this... Well then, it was worth it, and that's that.

Rest well, my darling.
Perhaps some other day I will hold you to my side when I go, and you will go with me. Not this time.

Prisoner's Dilemma in Romantic Relationships

So, I was just watching some videos on the prisoner's dilemma and Nash equilibrium. I realized that in a metaphorical analogy, the prisoner's dilemma reflects pretty accurately on the problems that arise in a bad relationship:

Imagine being in a troubled romantic relationship with someone you don't really feel you can trust, as much as you might want to. The prisoner's dilemma is remarkably reflective of it. Either party could put more effort into the relationship in order to be kind and giving, but if partner A tries, partner B gets benefit without having to do anything, and would still have to make some sacrifices in order to return the generosity, so they may choose not to do so and just enjoy A's generosity. In that case, however, A will stop trying because they are being taken advantage of and the Nash equilibrium is that both end up in a resentful relationship, tolerating it because they don't want to bother opening themselves up only to be taken advantage of again.
If the two could trust each other to effectively collude, and continue to make sacrifices even when in the short-term, it does in fact make them a little less happy to do so, they can enjoy a relationship that generally exists in the try/try quadrant of the relationship. Of course, relationships are more complicated and it's possible to try to do something nice and have it completely backfire because of different values, but on a very basic level, the analogy is quite apt.