Another Line Around the Spirograph

It's time and past time that I came back and wrote something about what has been going on in my personal and romantic life. It has been, shall we say, intense; and gone through another cycle of a repeating pattern in my life.

A relationship breaking, but it might be possible to have the seeds of a better chance sewn into the transition out of this one from the very start.

That is not exactly new. But this seems perhaps not yet old: My heart was, already as it crumbled, an alternating cycle of sorrow on the one side, and hope on the other. Hope that extends beyond the love I am letting go of, hope that I can break these bad habits, break this cling, step back into a different role, and maybe someday, it can be the case that very little in the end was lost, even between us. Maybe, someday.

For now I see Her call another 'beloved', and my insides crinkle and I want the whole world to go away. And it has been so for months, because I'm staying in touch, or trying to. I wonder often whether it would be better for both of us if I were to cut ties and consign Her to the past, or to be not part of my life at all for some years. My conclusion? Inconclusive. It does not seem to matter in practice, because better or not, I do not think I could bring myself to do it.

 

The Man

There is a man.

The man comes home from work. He is tired.

The man takes off his shoes. He takes off his jacket. He greets his wife with a smile and a little kiss.

The man calls his children to dinner, and they eat together and ask each other about the events of the day. The man complains casually about his boss. His wife complains affectionately about messes. The children complain about their homework. The family tells itself that it's going to be okay, and this is how life is.

The man puts on slippers, and picks up a drink, and picks up a newspaper, and sits down on the most comfortable chair in the living room, and reads about events in the world beyond his house and his neighbourhood. He reads in order to be up to date on what to talk about with his co-workers during breaks, and what to avoid talking about because it may be awkward in light of something which has happened. He reads in order to know who to be annoyed at for what recent indiscretion. He frowns at indulgent politicians. He smiles at progress in public works. He pauses to wonder at the pace of technological advancement.

The man is comfortable.

The man is sometimes worried, especially when looking at construction projects, and newspaper headlines, and stressed people whose problems he does not know how to solve.

The man is sometimes happy, especially when he thinks about his wife, and his kids, and his friends, and his home.

The man doesn't know what to do about the politicians, or how to feel about fluctuations in immigration.

But the man knows he works hard and does well enough by his boss and co-workers.

He takes care of his wife and his kids.

He looks back on his day and he feels he is doing his best. He can relax into that thought, like a warm bath; or an old, well-worn pair of shoes. He does not feel compelled to question it. He could, but it would only leave him more worried than happy, so why would he?

He settles into his chair, and keeps reading.

 

You Who Would Change Me

To the ones who read my messages of despair that I always get into these conversations that feel like fights, that I'm afraid my professional relationships may always be characterized by comments like "If you're so anxious about this, maybe you should reconsider your fit for this position"...

To the ones who greet my whimper with a cheer, who are proud that I'm finally coming around to seeing the problems in myself and may be open to getting better... Who tell me to grow up and adapt, to make the people around me more comfortable...

To the one who told me today encouragingly that I may be onto something, that I could seek psychiatric evaluation, that I "can't make other people adjust to me on a dime" so I should consider how to broaden my own approaches in order to get "more doors staying open" to me...

Life Advice in YouTube Comments

Yesterday I spent a little time wandering through YouTube comments on a video about psychology and the kinds of people you can't help.

A number of the people commenting were observing that they saw elements of their own behaviour in the "unhelpable" types being described. I left replies with advice to some of these.

To a commenter who said they had brought everybody down without realizing it, I answered:

“without realizing it” is the trap there. Well... Now you have an opportunity to see things differently. Here's a piece of advice I have said many times to my friends:

When you start to notice your mistakes in retrospect, it can feel really terrible, but it's important to remember that seeing the problem AFTER it's happened is pretty much a prerequisite to seeing it WHILE it's happening, and eventually, with enough practice, seeing the problems your own behaviour could cause in the moments BEFORE you react to some stimulus.

When you realize your own role in your problems at ALL, it makes you stronger. It gives you the chance to do something about it. Even if you don't see the ways in which your actions may have been harmful until after you've left the situation, once you realize it, you unlock an opportunity to apologize, or look for ways to make it up to the people you have hurt, or even just to learn from your mistakes. You can't do any of that effectively without seeing the mistakes.

When you start being able to see it in the present, you will unlock the power to stop yourself, or call yourself on it. "Oh wait. I- I'm being a jerk aren't I. I didn't mean to do that, I wasn't seeing the situation clearly. I'm sorry. Let me take a moment to disconnect, walk, calm down, or otherwise gather my thoughts and try approaching it differently."

And when you start being able to see it coming in what you are about to say, you can change so quickly that other people won't even see the problems you decided not to cause.

Of course, that doesn't mean you won't face complicated situations where figuring out what the right thing to do is hard. n.n' But it will give you more options as you notice your own part, and practice acting in different ways, so you aren't always running on a terrible form of autopilot.

Good luck!

 

Take It With You

I have no patience for hollow compliments.

If I am worth listening to, listen, even when what I say is hard to hear.

If I am a great philosopher, embrace my ways - use them.

If I am a cunning pathfinder, walk with me through hidden and treacherous ways.

If I am a good cook, then come by my table and eat of my food.

 

If you would give me kind and complimentary words, and then walk away from me unchanged, taking nothing with you...

Then please, spare me.

Spare me the awkward obligation to pretend gratitude and praise you for your shallow, meaningless roleplaying as somebody who gives a fuck.

Oh, and if this leaves you full of awkward silences you don't know what to do with... I have something for you. Forsaking hollow signalling does not mean you must be left without any tricks.

Here is a sentence of great arcane power. It can be pronounced many different ways, to transform an awkward silence into a meaningful one and give you more time to think. It is almost always true when you need it, and it is almost never impolite:

"I don't know what to say."

Catching up: The Job

Another long gap. I spend too long away from this thing.

For the last half a year or so I have been working nights 2-3 shifts a week stocking shelves at a local grocery store. It's been a great workout. The pay's alright, and has allowed me to not worry about it while acquiring a number of nice new things, including replacing my phone. Most of my coworkers are pretty nice and I found after a while I was getting along with them nicely, but throughout it my fear of the apparent scorn of my immediate supervisor never completely went away.

It seemed he glared at me whenever he looked at me, and seemed he wished he was doing something else whenever he spoke. I heard variously from other co-workers that he's just like that, but recently I've observed him speaking to some of my co-workers in ways that are damn near respectful... far closer to it than he ever spoke to me so far as I can recall.

It became intolerable for me, and eventually I reached out to a bunch of people around me for advice, and one part of that advice was to talk to the store manager, who would likely seek to accommodate my moving positions in order to keep me there. I am, I suppose, possibly considered a good employee. Just not, it seems, by my immediate supervisor.

How that panned out is that I took the commute across town and back on a day my manager had suggested, and called en route to let her know when I'd be arriving... and she was too busy dealing with the district manager and doing something related to a new phase of pandemic lockdown to speak to me at all, so the customer service rep asked me to write her a formal letter on my position. So I left one, including a footnote asking her to call or email me so we could talk this through.

I left that experience feeling even more impatient and frustrated with the branch manager. Checked on the shift scheduler online to find my shifts for next week had vanished, a little while later, so I called in and asked whether I still had shifts and the online version had lost them (that's happened before)... But I was told, no, the manager asked my supervisor to remove them and was going to try to get me transferred to front-end.

She hadn't told me anything. I appreciate that my complaint is being taken seriously enough to act on, but I really should have been part of the conversation about what to do about it. I feel this is being terribly mis-handled and I am feeling pretty unimpressed about it. I still have yet to actually hear back from her at all.

So I guess I'll be transferring to front end? I don't know how that will go. I bet it won't be as good a work out as hauling the products out to be put away. I can do customer service though, I've done it before.

From this kind of start, I'm feeling pessimistic though. My head is starting to buzz with internal accusations that asking for a transfer was not a good idea. I already asked my friends to back me up on this, to remind me that my dissatisfaction was real and the stress I was under was not something to put up with. That... was in the context of helping me be willing to look for other jobs, though. Maybe I should ask them again, to help me validate the move having made it.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I moved the topper off my bed (I had been having back pains after sleeping) and it seems firm now by comparison. I don't know if that's why for most of the last week it seems like I can't stay asleep for much more than 3.5 hours.

So. That's the big thing which is happening right now. Maybe I'll catch you up on more later.

On the Subject of Gods

 

We-mortals, we are stories.
The Gods are tropes.

 

This too is an oversimplification, of course; I just think it strikes closer to the marrow than most on the subject.

To suggest that the Gods exist independently of ourselves is just as ridiculous as to suggest that tropes exist independently of stories.
Not a bit less ridiculous than that.
... And not a bit *more* either.

To suggest that the Gods do not exist *at all* is just as ridiculous as to suggest that tropes *are not real* at all, that there is nothing there to *talk* about.
Not any less ridiculous than that. Nor any more.