You Who Would Change Me

To the ones who read my messages of despair that I always get into these conversations that feel like fights, that I'm afraid my professional relationships may always be characterized by comments like "If you're so anxious about this, maybe you should reconsider your fit for this position"...

To the ones who greet my whimper with a cheer, who are proud that I'm finally coming around to seeing the problems in myself and may be open to getting better... Who tell me to grow up and adapt, to make the people around me more comfortable...

To the one who told me today encouragingly that I may be onto something, that I could seek psychiatric evaluation, that I "can't make other people adjust to me on a dime" so I should consider how to broaden my own approaches in order to get "more doors staying open" to me...

Life Advice in YouTube Comments

Yesterday I spent a little time wandering through YouTube comments on a video about psychology and the kinds of people you can't help.

A number of the people commenting were observing that they saw elements of their own behaviour in the "unhelpable" types being described. I left replies with advice to some of these.

To a commenter who said they had brought everybody down without realizing it, I answered:

“without realizing it” is the trap there. Well... Now you have an opportunity to see things differently. Here's a piece of advice I have said many times to my friends:

When you start to notice your mistakes in retrospect, it can feel really terrible, but it's important to remember that seeing the problem AFTER it's happened is pretty much a prerequisite to seeing it WHILE it's happening, and eventually, with enough practice, seeing the problems your own behaviour could cause in the moments BEFORE you react to some stimulus.

When you realize your own role in your problems at ALL, it makes you stronger. It gives you the chance to do something about it. Even if you don't see the ways in which your actions may have been harmful until after you've left the situation, once you realize it, you unlock an opportunity to apologize, or look for ways to make it up to the people you have hurt, or even just to learn from your mistakes. You can't do any of that effectively without seeing the mistakes.

When you start being able to see it in the present, you will unlock the power to stop yourself, or call yourself on it. "Oh wait. I- I'm being a jerk aren't I. I didn't mean to do that, I wasn't seeing the situation clearly. I'm sorry. Let me take a moment to disconnect, walk, calm down, or otherwise gather my thoughts and try approaching it differently."

And when you start being able to see it coming in what you are about to say, you can change so quickly that other people won't even see the problems you decided not to cause.

Of course, that doesn't mean you won't face complicated situations where figuring out what the right thing to do is hard. n.n' But it will give you more options as you notice your own part, and practice acting in different ways, so you aren't always running on a terrible form of autopilot.

Good luck!

 

Take It With You

I have no patience for hollow compliments.

If I am worth listening to, listen, even when what I say is hard to hear.

If I am a great philosopher, embrace my ways - use them.

If I am a cunning pathfinder, walk with me through hidden and treacherous ways.

If I am a good cook, then come by my table and eat of my food.

 

If you would give me kind and complimentary words, and then walk away from me unchanged, taking nothing with you...

Then please, spare me.

Spare me the awkward obligation to pretend gratitude and praise you for your shallow, meaningless roleplaying as somebody who gives a fuck.

Oh, and if this leaves you full of awkward silences you don't know what to do with... I have something for you. Forsaking hollow signalling does not mean you must be left without any tricks.

Here is a sentence of great arcane power. It can be pronounced many different ways, to transform an awkward silence into a meaningful one and give you more time to think. It is almost always true when you need it, and it is almost never impolite:

"I don't know what to say."