It's time and past time that I came back and wrote something about what has been going on in my personal and romantic life. It has been, shall we say, intense; and gone through another cycle of a repeating pattern in my life.
A relationship breaking, but it might be possible to have the seeds of a better chance sewn into the transition out of this one from the very start.
That is not exactly new. But this seems perhaps not yet old: My heart was, already as it crumbled, an alternating cycle of sorrow on the one side, and hope on the other. Hope that extends beyond the love I am letting go of, hope that I can break these bad habits, break this cling, step back into a different role, and maybe someday, it can be the case that very little in the end was lost, even between us. Maybe, someday.
For now I see Her call another 'beloved', and my insides crinkle and I want the whole world to go away. And it has been so for months, because I'm staying in touch, or trying to. I wonder often whether it would be better for both of us if I were to cut ties and consign Her to the past, or to be not part of my life at all for some years. My conclusion? Inconclusive. It does not seem to matter in practice, because better or not, I do not think I could bring myself to do it.
