Fools Of Us

You just cannot win when you're wrong

Though the battle be bloody and long

Oh, the truth will make fools of us all

And the longer you cling to illusion,

the harder you'll fall.

We were all of us ignorant, once

We fought with our lies and the battles were lost

To have wisdom, we must pay the cost

Bitter remedy swallowed with pride

'neath the hat of the dunce

The truth will come out...

It always does, in time.

And the louder you shout

The more foolish you'll look, to yourself

at the end of the line

You just cannot win when you're wrong

Though the battle be bloody and long

Oh, the truth will make fools of us all

And the longer you cling to illusion,

the harder you'll fall.

You just cannot win when you're wrong

Though your allies be wordy, your arguments strong

You may hide behind tyranny, authority,

maybe last your whole life;

Doesn't matter how long, you will never be right

The truth will come out...

It always does, in time.

And the louder you shout

The more foolish you'll look, to yourself

at the end of the line

You just cannot win when you're wrong

Though your allies be wordy, your arguments strong

You may silence dissent, but what victory is that?

You're no closer to truth for each tongue you cut loose

And the truth will come out...

As always, it's yours to decide...

To acknolwedge the loss;

To abandon your pride;

To be wrong,

to be free,

to be right...

Oh the truth will make fools of us-

You just cannot win when you're wrong

Though the battle be bloody and long

Oh, the truth will make fools of us all

And the longer you cling to illusion,

the harder you'll fall.

The truth will make fools of us all!

99% Furry Deviant Approved

I went out grocery shopping today. I brought my Damon with me, and we picked up a bunch of nice things, more than just my standard fare. I got myself ice cream and treats, and got Damon some doughnut sticks, in celebration of my having a new job. I spent most of the rest of my money for this month... It is December, and I will admit, I had been splurging a bit on presents and shipping sending things to people I love, as well as getting things for myself, like a new pair of ear buds since my old ones died. I haven't paid my bills for the month yet, but it's a phenomenally liberating feeling having a pay cheque on the way.

And then, waiting at the bus stop, loaded down with soda, chips and delicious holiday eggnog... I noticed I had another voice mail from work. I gave my supervisor, the friendly and bubbly one, a call. She had left me a message last night, too, asking me to come in for a second training shift on Friday. I had tried to call back, but it didn't seem to be working. It worked this time, and I told her I had gotten her message, sorry for not getting back earlier, told her the reason, and yes of course I can come in on Friday.

She told me she'd spoken with the boss and they had decided they were going to stick with their current team for the time being. I was invited to come in to collect my pay for the two hour orientation I went to. I hurried to politely thank her for telling me, and fumble for my bus pass, as our bus rolled up to the stop.

As you might imagine, I was shocked, stunned, hurt... and maybe even a little panicky, especially since I had slipped my bus pass in a different pocket from the one I usually put it in, and took a minute to find it.

My first thoughts, once I started having thoughts beyond panic and where I had put my bus pass, was that my supervisor or my boss found it unprofessional that I hadn't gotten back after their message early enough, or that they were expecting me to come in today for second training after all (it had been suggested that I would be asked to do so earlier) despite the message asking me to do it on Friday.

My second thoughts were that this was probably because I had mentioned that I haven't worked for a while and would have to adapt my sleep schedule to working again, or that I'd just been too casual and personal in my jokes with my supervisor, talking about memories of listening to cassette tapes as a child, which one of their case models reminded me of (they have one shaped like an old-fashioned audio casette), and such things. Maybe I had somehow offended her or raised a red flag, and she was just too good at masking that kind of thing for me to notice any change in her smile or her laugh. Maybe she had taken my questions and comments during training about harder cases being more likely to crack as antagonism towards the products, or a sign of likely inability to sell them. Maybe I would never be able to get work as long as I naturally fell into patterns of being casual and friendly with anyone I grew to trust at all...

And then, after a while, it finally hit me. I remember at some point while dealing with this blog, finding something about backlinks. Since I am the author of this blog, Blogger will tell me if there is another website somewhere on the internet that links to this one, and will link me to it so I can go and check out who is giving me publicity. You remember that link on my last post, to the Speaking Phones gallery website? If the owner of that website has access to backlinks too... and I strongly suspect this is a thing that is not limited to blogs... then he just got access to that blog post, everything I said about my uncertainty about selling rhinestone covered bling, and the implication that I had not meant to keep the job long (but was now considering doing so, given how the place exceeded all my expectations). In fact, he got access to all my blog posts, and my Fetlife account, and anything else linked to my online persona and the name SerpentStare.

And it turns out I hadn't gotten the job yet. I might as well have stood up on my chair at an interview and shouted, "I'm gay and furry and kinky and proud of it!". Now that... that would explain this, much better than having said something too casual or failed to answer a non-urgent message with urgent timing.

I guess I can't blame them, especially given how harsh I've been in my socialist and anti-capitalist and anti-work epithets on the site here... I remember hearing somewhere that there's no such thing as bad publicity, and I had hoped that my employers would feel that way... Maybe they feel that if I'm willing to use my personal life to plug and promote my work life, I might use my work life to spread pro-fetish ideology, or something? No, I know better than that. I guess for whatever reason, they didn't want their website even remotely associated with me. I will try to remember not to link to any other employers I end up being considered by, lest they find out I am a deviant of great calibre and pride. You might notice, I have gone back to the two previous posts on this blog that featured my real name and removed it, so that it does not come up on a Google search. However, since I seem to have already lost this one, I will leave the existing links up. Speaking Phones was, after all, the reason I labelled that last one "Cool Stuff on the Internet". The website seems a bit broken, and doesn't show all of their stock... at least not on Chrome... but I really was looking forward to working there. There was a lot of cool gear, and I encourage any readers who are looking for cellphone accessories in the London area or near a different one of their branches to check them out.

For now... If I get an email or phone call from someone at Speaking Phones asking me to remove all direct references and/or links to their website, I will do so. I don't really expect them to do that, though, since it would kind of suggest I'd been discriminated against if it turned out the identifying information on my blog was what kept them from hiring me, and it would suggest that they had, in fact, read my blog, if they asked me to remove content from it. Ah, discrimination. Everyone does it, but no-one can admit it, because then there might be legal problems. I haven't had to deal with it a whole lot - at least, not comparatively speaking... and, well, I guess I kind of forgot it existed and I should stay guarded against it, there, for a moment.

And now I'm broke. I assumed I had a job, I celebrated, I stopped to tell you all (and Ontario Works for that matter) about it... and now... I don't. I will need some help to get through this month, I think... though having had a moment to think about it, I'm pretty sure I've got all the help I need. There are people I can ask for assistance in moments like this, thankfully. Damon among them, though he can't help me with money, only moral support.

I'll make it through this. It's a staggering and disappointing blow, but I'll make it. I'm really glad Damon was there with me when I got that memo, he was a huge help. And to Speaking Phones... like it or not, you have my approval, in pretty much everything except, naturally, the decision not to hire me. Maybe you'll change your mind. Maybe you won't. Anyway, best of luck.

A Series of Surprisingly Positive Events

Well. I guess it's been a while. I've been preoccupied.

Mostly, it's that my distant online primary relationship takes up a lot of my time. My young pup would honestly be very happy if he could play D&D 12 hours a day, and while I will admit, I'm getting back into playing and actually having fun with it (despite having gotten really really jaded with weaknesses due to, effectively, group cohesion and social stuff in my first campaign and subsequent attempts), I nevertheless cannot play that much - D&D is awesome (or can be, as is being proven again), but it wears me out if I overexpose myself to it. My mind needs to rest after being blown too hard. I might get dragged into playing for two to three hours almost every day anyway, though, more for his benefit because he's short on other people to play with than mine. To be fair, Pup does have some really neat and shiny campaign ideas. We are currently preparing a two-character-party Inquisitor game fashioned in the style of Van Helsing, or Brothers Grim... or the default setting of a more obscure role-playing system called Dogs of the Vineyard... in which we will take turns DMing adventures, but have both our characters work together all the time... sometimes I get to be the player without much OOC knowledge, and he gets to play as a DMPC, and sometimes the other way around.

Also, I just got a job! Yay! I just got back from a two hour orientation to get acquainted with things... the job is selling cellphone cases and accessories at a mall island shop booth called Speaking Phones. At first I felt kind of disgusting for putting myself so close to anything quite as covered in rhinestones and cheap as the merchandise seemed to be... but having taken a closer look and gotten acquainted with the prices... erm... it doesn't seem to be overpriced cheap glittery garbage after all. The prices are actually pretty damn good compared to other places I've seen, and there's a lot of really swanky gear, including a pair of shades with 2 gigabytes of built in data storage and earphones, for $50... though I'm not sure whether that does something independently or is to be used with a phone or MP3 player or what. The nature of the business even seems to be fairly low on paper or plastic wastage, my supervisor is a pleasant young lady who laughs at my jokes, used up every inch of the notebook that notes for the staff are written in, and is transferring inventory management to a fully electronic format... in this case meaning "write it down and save it in a notepad file if we're running low on anything". The whole thing seems sensibly run and down to earth, and while I keep being told the focus is on selling and up-selling, from watching my supervisor work, it is quite clear I'm not being asked to pressure sell.

I make a distinction between sales and customer service along the following lines: if the customer already knows they want something from me, and I help them find what they were looking for, show options, and happily lead them to make whatever choice they find preferable, it's customer service. If I have to tell the customer they want something, or tell them what to buy, it's sales. By that definition, this falls squarely in the realm of customer service, despite the fact that my title is "sales associate". And that is absolutely fine with me. I may find myself enjoying this job enough to want to stay at it rather than switching to something else, after all. It was... a lot easier than I expected it to be. All that procrastination and fear regarding a job search, and I actually get a job before I considered myself to have started doing it properly... Well. Um. Well. ...Okay? I guess life is easier when you play by the rules people expect you to. Or something.

Family Androgyne

So, I've been a bit idle for a while, my dear readers. Not too long, though, I think. Were you wondering how things turned out with the subby fur boy? He's still around, and swiftly became the love of my life. He's been one of the most important things in my mind for about six weeks now, for better or worse.

I've found myself feeling... an odd impulse. I really, really want to go out and get work, not just to fund my Secret Plan, but... to feed and support my family.

Now, I don't have blood children, obviously, and I don't plan on having any. But my subby boy has swiftly become close as kin to me. Damon already is, though he's been keeping more distant of late. And a quiet reunion with friends I haven't been able to talk to in far too long reminds me I have others as well... And I would love, so much, to be able to earn them shelter and food, at least in part. I really want to make them a home to live in. I fantasize about my loved ones supporting me to search for work, and being there to thank and congratulate me when I bring the spoils home to them.

And I find myself wondering... is this some weird, filtered version of the impulse I keep hearing hits the young once they reach the right age, to settle down and start a family? Maybe it is. I am very proud, personally, that my version doesn't involve unnecessary production of additional population. Why should it? Not only am I VHEMT, I already have a family, and I love them dearly and want to support them in all of the ways I can... as well as helping them to support each other.

It helps, of course, that I recently introduced the new subby boy to one of my older, more long-term, less obsessively full-time loves... and their first impressions seem to be that they agree abjectly, each of the other, that this person is just as awesome as I thought they were, and it is amazing and wonderful to have another such awesome person to know and like. They want to adopt each other. The thought got me thinking about the whole household issue, and sighing wistfully over it. Mind... if I call in help and support from all of my supports who are most likely to be able to give it... and turn over some responsibility for care of the intense, attention needing sub to another truly awesome person I trust not to let him down... it should help me immensely with mounting an effective search.

I guess I really am just a home maker. I feel like such a family-oriented androgyne. ^.^

In other news, said subby sweetheart just showed me a rap song I enjoy. It feels really weird for me to type that sentence. I usually hate rap with a passion - when it's not derogatory, it still doesn't stop being self-congratulatory posing. Except... except in this case, the congratulatory posing is not directed toward the self, at least not entirely. It's interesting hearing rap arraying out in street verse and rhythm the praises of someone else, besides the singer, for once. And it reminds me, in my heart of hearts and my mind of minds, that any language can speak truth and things worth hearing, even if they often don't. Yes, even rap.

Besides, it's an amazing track to get pumped up and prepared to do and be awesome to. Remember the Name. I have one word, and only one, to voice to the artists who made this: Respect.

Which brings me to a final thing. Sub boy has got me playing a Dragonball Z based roleplaying game with him online, and it rocks all our socks clean off, it's so much damn fun. Maybe because I didn't know all that much about the series, but already had some degree of respect for it. Maybe because it's a fresh new system that hasn't gotten stale in my head. He runs it fast and loose, which fits DBZ perfectly, and he's teaching me the lore with references and inside jokes, and the fact that we're effectively playing a slightly altered timeline of the show's plot, just as non-canon characters. He is an amazing DM. And I approve. Also, props to whoever made the above Anime Music Video, because the way it uses the song's lyrics to talk about the characters and make completely valid points about who they are and what they're about is fucking brilliant.