Walking Away

AAAAAAAAAUUUGH!

please don't hate me

The suggestion of parting ways, why do I hate the idea so much? I wanted to go home, relax, play games. It feels as though you are being taken away and so my immediate impulse is to hold on to you... Even though I had not intended to "use" you right then anyway. I should probably talk to a counsellor about this clinginess. Letting you go should NOT be that agonizing.

God it was hard. And then I just started walking and I swear at least three distinct parts of my mind started freaking the fuck out. I mean seriously losing their shit. Hence the first two parts of this message, selected as about the most coherent thoughts in the storm of screams and so much fear my breastbone hurt. But I am pleased to report that another of the clearest voices was saying, "It's okay. He still loves you. He understands. It's going to be okay. He knows you still love him..."

I want you to understand this is the kind of broken I am. This is the kind of fear I'm surrendering to when I don't want to leave you. This is a passable description of my mind from the inside when shit gets a little crazy. And it's often what I'm avoiding saying or doing when I fall completely silent.

I think just walking, though rude if one doesn't understand I can't communicate, was right. The storm happened, but that means I faced my fear, and I felt liberated, denying it the control over me to keep me paralysed. It was me deciding firmly that you could go home and I wasn't going to whine about it or beg you to comfort me about it. And I could go home and relax and game and not need you beside me to enjoy it.