Walking home from work today, enjoying the feeling of clean clothes on my clean skin, I think I noticed for the first time just how many trees are in my neighborhood. It's a very green place, with lots of shade to walk through, and on this cool early June evening, it's cooler outside than in our basement apartment.
I find myself thinking that when we do move, I'd love to stay in the neighborhood. I love being close to work and an easy walk away from several different grocery stores. I like the pizza place around the block, now that we've gotten around to ordering there. I like the friendly neighbors and the earnest atmosphere. This doesn't feel like pretentious suburbia. There are a bunch of reasonably nice looking homes in varying states of maintenance of both the house and lawn, but though some lots have peeling paint and old-looking buildings, there is no sign of truly significant disrepair or destruction. Some lawns are manicured and well tended, some have quirky ornaments, and others are left mostly wild or patchy. There are many birds, and the distant noises of yardwork and dogs barking. There are so many trees both in peoples' yards and on the strip of greenery between the sidewalk and the road that if the cement and asphalt were replaced with grass it would simply be a carefully organized and spaced forest. One without underbracken.
And then I walked into my apartment and when I saw my roommate sitting on the couch watching Futurama, my spirits immediately fell and I felt defensive and disempowered again. Virtually the only significant reason I want to move is because I'm living with someone I don't want to live with. There are other annoying factors, like the child that sometimes runs loudly across the floor upstairs, and the propensity of people to knock on my bedroom window when they want to deal with someone in the house, but were it not for that one thing... I think ultimately, I could forgive the occasional annoyances and have very little to actually complain about. But I'm sharing my space with someone I could not share much of my perspective or lifestyle with, and that... feels limiting and entrapping. Yes, I do need to get out of here eventually, because our roommate has said he isn't going, but would be happy to look for new roommates when we leave.
I look forward to living in an apartment with just me and my boyfriend, with whom I can be myself in my skin, and relax, and co-operate. And, of course, any guests we choose to welcome into our house. But it would be our house, and not one full of awkward compromises with someone I... don't actively dislike... Or, at least, I wouldn't if I didn't have to live in the same house with him. Our roommate has often been helpful in his own way and though he is abrasive, I can see ways in which he's a reasonably decent guy. But be that as it may, I don't want to stay here living with him. I am still seeking my den.
Today's happiness, though, has been fairly regular. My job is increasingly easy for me to do and do well. I tend to enjoy the short walk to and from work, and I've been noticing the beauty of the area I live in more and more, as well as the beauty of simple pleasures like clean clothing that fits well. I feel rich. I have saved up a substantial amount of money over my last several months of working, and I do not have to put much effort into spending much less than I make. This morning, I went shopping at the Goodwill store where I work and spent $60 on everyday clothing for myself and my boyfriend, and it was a gentle pleasure knowing that I could easily afford the small luxury without having to worry. It made me glad to spend the money, for a good deal at a good place.
Regrettably, the fall of my spirits when I come home and see my roommate is almost as common. I have much to be thankful for, and I most definitely am. At the same time, I still have farther to go. I am not quite home yet, though I think I may be close. I hope so. I honestly think that perhaps the most ideal situation would be to move right next door if there were an available apartment there that I could afford with just my boyfriend and me.
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