Life has been a combination whirlwind and sinkhole for me recently.
I only just noticed I had not blogged in over a month. It's really no wonder that during the school months, I neglected it last year. I have my courses to handle, and right now assignments are getting on top of me. I have arrangements for my foreign exchange term to make, including lodging, furniture storage, finance and course selection. I have my primary and secondary relationships to juggle. A good problem to have, admittedly, but trying to stay sane while negotiating fights with one and jealousy with the other has been very draining.
In amongst all this, the biggest thing is trying to cope with my mood, my intense cravings for sleep, my utter not-willing-to-put-up-with-this feelings about the tumbling and crashing that keeps me from sleeping during any of the hours that the landlord and his family upstairs are awake (I'm so glad I'm moving at the beginning of December - oh, right, add that to the list of things I need to do and prepare for!). The schoolwork would not actually be much to get through if I could maintain my morale and just sit down and do 'em, but between exhaustion and exasperation, loneliness and pressure, it's a lot to manage and can easily leave me dazed and unproductive.
I'll get through it somehow or another. I have to, after all. I look forward to Ireland and the new term, after the arrangements and preparations and moving is all over. A new beginning, new lessons, a new setting. Europe! And when I come back, seeing Asha again in the summer months.
Well, why not dream far ahead, I suppose, right?
Monday, November 14, 2016
Monday, September 26, 2016
Cautionary Tales of Accounting
Two true stories about difficulties I have had tracking down mistakes in my Individual Case Study in Principles of Accounting 2. Be careful, be cautious! Learn from my mistakes.
If you don't know accounting, you might not understand the technical language. Read them if you want and see if they're funny anyway, or don't.
When I found my trial balance didn't balance, I turned to my professor (as the case study itself actually advised) to help me find out where the problems were. She sent me an email that pointed out several mistakes, which was a great help. After properly subtracting a sales return from the relevant purchase total before applying Outback Karen's early payment discount (that's where that $100 went wrong, which [bizarrely] balanced out a missing credit of $100 which should have gone to increasing Petty Cash and ended up giving me the correct closing Cash balance despite two unrelated mistakes), properly posting the second half of the month's Employee Benefits Expense and checking it all on the AME worksheet... There was still one thing wrong. My Accounts Payable balance was getting an incorrect mark.
I checked to see if I'd made a similar mistake to the one with Karen's return, but the only return posted for the company was on a cash purchase, no payables involved. I checked the Accounts Payables Subledger for anything suspicious, scrutinized the purchases themselves, and nothing seemed unusual or tricky. I used the A/P Total sheet to add them up and compare to the general ledger... And I was out $200.
...What? Well, that's a head scratcher. The only posts to the general ledger account were from Cash Payments and Purchases, so I checked there. Still nothing fishy. All the cash purchases had their amounts confirmed on the Bank Reconciliation. There was one thing worth $200, though. The discount amount (posted as a credit to Inventory) for paying a bill early. That shouldn't affect the Account Payable, though; it only made up the difference between the full amount payable (debited and marked as paid) and the discounted amount in Cash. It was a fantastic red herring.
Finally, I found it. The cell reference to total and transfer the Accounts Payable debit column from Cash Payments to the General Ledger was a sum of E3:E140. 140!? That's excessive. Well, it was supposed to go to 14, so what almost certainly happened was that I accidentally added a zero while trying to close the bracket on the Sum function. And what difference did that make? Well, it added in the PR number written in under the column to identify Accounts Payable and confirm that it had been debited appropriately: 200.
I guess the moral of this story is that it's worth it to take the time to total the columns within the special journals themselves, rather than reference the entire column from the Ledger with a Sum function. That would have prevented this from happening.
I went back and input all the updated numbers into the worksheet both on my case Excel file and on AME. They all get correct marks now. It is fixed. And the entire time I was doing that and for ten minutes afterward I would occasionally facepalm and mutter "so stupid..." because it was such a dumb reason to be out in my numbers.
---
Background: I told my professor that I had checked her Paying the Government video on how to remit HST (that's Harmonized Sales Tax, a recoverable tax [that is, what businesses pay in HST, they can get back from the government by subtracting it from the HST they collect from customers and must send in] collected on goods sold in Ontario and some other provinces of Canada), and I thought our totals for HST Recoverable were the same, despite the fact that my tax paid on expenses from the Petty Cash drawer was listed separately, and the other numbers she had as the correct ones in the videos looked the same as my numbers for transactions discluding that Petty Cash purchases HST. As you'll see, I turned out to be very wrong.
Here's what happened. I thought, earlier, that we actually had the same total in HST Recoverable despite the fact that the professor didn't seem to have the Petty Cash HST amounts included in the total from Cash Payments or anywhere else. It had already been established that I misread the transactions entry for that had to do with Petty Cash. There were two things I failed to see: the increase to $500 from $400, and the HST on Entertainment, which I swear I actually noticed and wondered why I wasn't paying HST on it, and I still didn't see it when I looked again. Muzzy, dizzy eyes after several hours of processing numbers is my only explanation there.
So, I was out by the $19.50 that should have been HST on Entertainment Expense. Fine, but why did I think the totals were the same then?
Well, I thought they were the same at first, but when I took a screenshot of the Paying the Government video, I saw that the cents were out. 50 cents were different, between a $.40 and a $.90. That was maddening. I took a closer look and saw that the professor's total brought over from Cash Payments was different from mine... and the difference was greater than my Petty Cash HST amount, by $19.50, not just 50 cents, but the totals still looked like they were only out by 50 cents. Nothing in this project was that small. It didn't make any sense. I badgered around trying to understand how this was possible when the machine was doing all the math for me (reducing the chance for human error substantially), and carefully checked and double-checked my adding processes over and over again, and put addition and subtraction formulae in empty cells by the side to try to spot the problem because I know a value of $19 can't just disappear in the total...
The problem? My brain had stubbornly refused, even under pressure, even knowing that something was wrong, to make any distinction between 7335 and 7355. Until finally one of my side summations came to the total the professor had, $7355.40, versus my $7335.90 and I saw the difference in more than cents. It took half an hour. Not for the first time, I wonder if I have mild discalculia.
I nearly wept.
I suppose if there is a moral to this one it would be to take a break and let yourself see the problem again with fresh eyes when you're getting invested.
Either that, or a reminder that human senses are fallible and sometimes they will invent problems where none exist just by perceiving little details inaccurately, therefore...
It's not always that important to thoroughly understand an apparent problem if you could just go ahead and solve it. If I had gone over to the Petty Cash transaction, noted that HST was payable on the last expense as well, fixed my numbers and come back, rather than doggedly trying to comprehend why something that ought to be impossible seemed to me to be happening, the total would have been right and the reason would have been evident without spending half an hour going insane wondering why $19 had apparently vanished into the ether.
If you don't know accounting, you might not understand the technical language. Read them if you want and see if they're funny anyway, or don't.
The Missing Error
I checked to see if I'd made a similar mistake to the one with Karen's return, but the only return posted for the company was on a cash purchase, no payables involved. I checked the Accounts Payables Subledger for anything suspicious, scrutinized the purchases themselves, and nothing seemed unusual or tricky. I used the A/P Total sheet to add them up and compare to the general ledger... And I was out $200.
...What? Well, that's a head scratcher. The only posts to the general ledger account were from Cash Payments and Purchases, so I checked there. Still nothing fishy. All the cash purchases had their amounts confirmed on the Bank Reconciliation. There was one thing worth $200, though. The discount amount (posted as a credit to Inventory) for paying a bill early. That shouldn't affect the Account Payable, though; it only made up the difference between the full amount payable (debited and marked as paid) and the discounted amount in Cash. It was a fantastic red herring.
Finally, I found it. The cell reference to total and transfer the Accounts Payable debit column from Cash Payments to the General Ledger was a sum of E3:E140. 140!? That's excessive. Well, it was supposed to go to 14, so what almost certainly happened was that I accidentally added a zero while trying to close the bracket on the Sum function. And what difference did that make? Well, it added in the PR number written in under the column to identify Accounts Payable and confirm that it had been debited appropriately: 200.
I guess the moral of this story is that it's worth it to take the time to total the columns within the special journals themselves, rather than reference the entire column from the Ledger with a Sum function. That would have prevented this from happening.
I went back and input all the updated numbers into the worksheet both on my case Excel file and on AME. They all get correct marks now. It is fixed. And the entire time I was doing that and for ten minutes afterward I would occasionally facepalm and mutter "so stupid..." because it was such a dumb reason to be out in my numbers.
---
What Actually Happened with the HST Recoverable Balance
Here's what happened. I thought, earlier, that we actually had the same total in HST Recoverable despite the fact that the professor didn't seem to have the Petty Cash HST amounts included in the total from Cash Payments or anywhere else. It had already been established that I misread the transactions entry for that had to do with Petty Cash. There were two things I failed to see: the increase to $500 from $400, and the HST on Entertainment, which I swear I actually noticed and wondered why I wasn't paying HST on it, and I still didn't see it when I looked again. Muzzy, dizzy eyes after several hours of processing numbers is my only explanation there.
So, I was out by the $19.50 that should have been HST on Entertainment Expense. Fine, but why did I think the totals were the same then?
Well, I thought they were the same at first, but when I took a screenshot of the Paying the Government video, I saw that the cents were out. 50 cents were different, between a $.40 and a $.90. That was maddening. I took a closer look and saw that the professor's total brought over from Cash Payments was different from mine... and the difference was greater than my Petty Cash HST amount, by $19.50, not just 50 cents, but the totals still looked like they were only out by 50 cents. Nothing in this project was that small. It didn't make any sense. I badgered around trying to understand how this was possible when the machine was doing all the math for me (reducing the chance for human error substantially), and carefully checked and double-checked my adding processes over and over again, and put addition and subtraction formulae in empty cells by the side to try to spot the problem because I know a value of $19 can't just disappear in the total...
The problem? My brain had stubbornly refused, even under pressure, even knowing that something was wrong, to make any distinction between 7335 and 7355. Until finally one of my side summations came to the total the professor had, $7355.40, versus my $7335.90 and I saw the difference in more than cents. It took half an hour. Not for the first time, I wonder if I have mild discalculia.
I nearly wept.
I suppose if there is a moral to this one it would be to take a break and let yourself see the problem again with fresh eyes when you're getting invested.
Either that, or a reminder that human senses are fallible and sometimes they will invent problems where none exist just by perceiving little details inaccurately, therefore...
It's not always that important to thoroughly understand an apparent problem if you could just go ahead and solve it. If I had gone over to the Petty Cash transaction, noted that HST was payable on the last expense as well, fixed my numbers and come back, rather than doggedly trying to comprehend why something that ought to be impossible seemed to me to be happening, the total would have been right and the reason would have been evident without spending half an hour going insane wondering why $19 had apparently vanished into the ether.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Noticing Ignorance and Noticing Drives
Tonight I stayed up late having a wonderful date with my darling Ashlynn. Then I stayed up later reading articles on LessWrong. Eventually, I read this one on how easy it is essentially not to notice our own confusion, not just about big, complicated things, but one's own life and habits. "For it is a sad rule that whenever you are most in need of your art as a rationalist, that is when you are most likely to forget it."
My desire to talk about this article inspired me to immediately and quickly solve several problems. Not knowing if I had an account on the website;
and then, not being able to log in properly after I had made one;
and then, figuring out where to talk about it even though it seemed I was unable to add additional comments (perhaps they have been closed due to the age of the article).
Bam bam bam. Suddenly I'm motivated, suddenly I'm here and blogging again, something I would ordinarily see as a bit of a chore, because it takes time, and is slightly challenging. Phooey. I may be reluctant to write, but I am almost always happy to have written.
The art of getting around to things and time management is an elusive one, certainly, and for me as well, but I am conscious of it, thankfully. If I am sitting around waiting to feel more inclined to do something, sitting around is not helping me; if I am taking time to relax, I would prefer to relax with the confidence and contentment of having accomplished an acceptable quantity and quality of the things I had set out to do already.
If I am not feeling able to cheerfully focus on my work, then... I'll be honest, I often forget to quickly "check in with myself". My drives will play an influence on my productivity and ability to focus long before they actively demand my attention.
Of course, sometimes it really is just as simple as the presence of distracting noise in the background. It can be hard to find a place in college to sit and work on homework between classes without being distracted by the noise of strangers' passing conversations. But other times, it's something else.
Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I feeling unclean and in need of a shower? Am I feeling lonely? Restless? Am I worried about something?
I may be eager or anxious to finish things, but I have been thankfully getting much better at recognizing that I am not currently able, and then, instead of idling and waiting for my mood to change on its own if I'm too tired to get any real work done, I can do something productive like taking a nap.
My desire to talk about this article inspired me to immediately and quickly solve several problems. Not knowing if I had an account on the website;
and then, not being able to log in properly after I had made one;
and then, figuring out where to talk about it even though it seemed I was unable to add additional comments (perhaps they have been closed due to the age of the article).
Bam bam bam. Suddenly I'm motivated, suddenly I'm here and blogging again, something I would ordinarily see as a bit of a chore, because it takes time, and is slightly challenging. Phooey. I may be reluctant to write, but I am almost always happy to have written.
The art of getting around to things and time management is an elusive one, certainly, and for me as well, but I am conscious of it, thankfully. If I am sitting around waiting to feel more inclined to do something, sitting around is not helping me; if I am taking time to relax, I would prefer to relax with the confidence and contentment of having accomplished an acceptable quantity and quality of the things I had set out to do already.
If I am not feeling able to cheerfully focus on my work, then... I'll be honest, I often forget to quickly "check in with myself". My drives will play an influence on my productivity and ability to focus long before they actively demand my attention.
Of course, sometimes it really is just as simple as the presence of distracting noise in the background. It can be hard to find a place in college to sit and work on homework between classes without being distracted by the noise of strangers' passing conversations. But other times, it's something else.
Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I feeling unclean and in need of a shower? Am I feeling lonely? Restless? Am I worried about something?
I may be eager or anxious to finish things, but I have been thankfully getting much better at recognizing that I am not currently able, and then, instead of idling and waiting for my mood to change on its own if I'm too tired to get any real work done, I can do something productive like taking a nap.
Friday, August 26, 2016
An Open Love Letter
To my darling Ashlynn...
As I rest here and contemplate the day we've had, listening to you occasionally begin to snore... My feelings are complicated and uncertain. But then, they always are, aren't they? It is not as dramatic as I'm used to. I have a mild headache. I'm slightly tired. I guess I'm content. Nothing flashy, just a gentle, faintly smug feeling that things are all right.
The gratitude was real. The satisfaction of rubbing your feet and knowing that you are appreciating my hands. I am confident that I am doing reasonably well, and that you will miss me when I have to leave, and look back on this time fondly. There has never been any question whether I will miss you.
I am a creature with an extraordinary perspective, and I carry an extraordinary weight. She who helps me shoulder it? That is just one of the things that makes her, too, extraordinary. And yet, we are ordinary within the frames in which we live. You chatting with your friends and co-workers. Me playing Binding of Isaac in idle moments. Sharing music, sharing videos, eating pizza and ice cream. I am reminded of Doctor Who commenting on the beauty and freedom of regular, everyday people, and for once, for a little while, I feel just a little less afraid of age and dying.
I think I will still be afraid of losing you until, one way or another, the last goodbye ever said between us falls on dead ears. In the mean time, fear is balanced and comforted by your presence and your bizarre devotion to this restless wanderer. I dream of journeying with you and do not know, now, what will or won't happen. I have my dreams and so do you, in this strange world of cynicism and conveniences built up on other cynicisms and conveniences through year after year, in this cute little old city, part old and part new. I lay next to you and type. You lay next to me and sleep. You'll work tonight. In another week I'll go home and then it will be months upon months before I will likely touch your face again, but for now I'm here, and the world isn't perfect and dramatic just because I'm here. I am not quite able to whisk you away into a fairytale as much as I might like to.
But you tell me you needed this... Well then, it was worth it, and that's that.
Rest well, my darling.
Perhaps some other day I will hold you to my side when I go, and you will go with me. Not this time.
As I rest here and contemplate the day we've had, listening to you occasionally begin to snore... My feelings are complicated and uncertain. But then, they always are, aren't they? It is not as dramatic as I'm used to. I have a mild headache. I'm slightly tired. I guess I'm content. Nothing flashy, just a gentle, faintly smug feeling that things are all right.
The gratitude was real. The satisfaction of rubbing your feet and knowing that you are appreciating my hands. I am confident that I am doing reasonably well, and that you will miss me when I have to leave, and look back on this time fondly. There has never been any question whether I will miss you.
I am a creature with an extraordinary perspective, and I carry an extraordinary weight. She who helps me shoulder it? That is just one of the things that makes her, too, extraordinary. And yet, we are ordinary within the frames in which we live. You chatting with your friends and co-workers. Me playing Binding of Isaac in idle moments. Sharing music, sharing videos, eating pizza and ice cream. I am reminded of Doctor Who commenting on the beauty and freedom of regular, everyday people, and for once, for a little while, I feel just a little less afraid of age and dying.
I think I will still be afraid of losing you until, one way or another, the last goodbye ever said between us falls on dead ears. In the mean time, fear is balanced and comforted by your presence and your bizarre devotion to this restless wanderer. I dream of journeying with you and do not know, now, what will or won't happen. I have my dreams and so do you, in this strange world of cynicism and conveniences built up on other cynicisms and conveniences through year after year, in this cute little old city, part old and part new. I lay next to you and type. You lay next to me and sleep. You'll work tonight. In another week I'll go home and then it will be months upon months before I will likely touch your face again, but for now I'm here, and the world isn't perfect and dramatic just because I'm here. I am not quite able to whisk you away into a fairytale as much as I might like to.
But you tell me you needed this... Well then, it was worth it, and that's that.
Rest well, my darling.
Perhaps some other day I will hold you to my side when I go, and you will go with me. Not this time.
Monday, August 1, 2016
Prisoner's Dilemma in Romantic Relationships
So, I was just watching some videos on the prisoner's dilemma and Nash equilibrium. I realized that in a metaphorical analogy, the prisoner's dilemma reflects pretty accurately on the problems that arise in a bad relationship:
Imagine being in a troubled romantic relationship with someone you don't really feel you can trust, as much as you might want to. The prisoner's dilemma is remarkably reflective of it. Either party could put more effort into the relationship in order to be kind and giving, but if partner A tries, partner B gets benefit without having to do anything, and would still have to make some sacrifices in order to return the generosity, so they may choose not to do so and just enjoy A's generosity. In that case, however, A will stop trying because they are being taken advantage of and the Nash equilibrium is that both end up in a resentful relationship, tolerating it because they don't want to bother opening themselves up only to be taken advantage of again.
If the two could trust each other to effectively collude, and continue to make sacrifices even when in the short-term, it does in fact make them a little less happy to do so, they can enjoy a relationship that generally exists in the try/try quadrant of the relationship. Of course, relationships are more complicated and it's possible to try to do something nice and have it completely backfire because of different values, but on a very basic level, the analogy is quite apt.
Imagine being in a troubled romantic relationship with someone you don't really feel you can trust, as much as you might want to. The prisoner's dilemma is remarkably reflective of it. Either party could put more effort into the relationship in order to be kind and giving, but if partner A tries, partner B gets benefit without having to do anything, and would still have to make some sacrifices in order to return the generosity, so they may choose not to do so and just enjoy A's generosity. In that case, however, A will stop trying because they are being taken advantage of and the Nash equilibrium is that both end up in a resentful relationship, tolerating it because they don't want to bother opening themselves up only to be taken advantage of again.
If the two could trust each other to effectively collude, and continue to make sacrifices even when in the short-term, it does in fact make them a little less happy to do so, they can enjoy a relationship that generally exists in the try/try quadrant of the relationship. Of course, relationships are more complicated and it's possible to try to do something nice and have it completely backfire because of different values, but on a very basic level, the analogy is quite apt.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
The Ayn Rand Effect?
I wonder if there is a scientific name for this effect:
Thinking on this got me taking a second look at her philosophies. Some of it's quite sensible if I look at it to understand, rather than outright seeking conflict. I think I can see precisely what she's talking about and warrant her her insight on it, and then see exactly where she makes an oversimplification and calls something an absolute that isn't.
That in any situation in which a system is put in place to help a group of people who are presumed to need it, some people who do not "need it" will seek to take advantage of the assistance anyway, and some will succeed. Then, a large third party will equate every single person who utilizes the help to be cheating the system by taking its assistance on false pretenses, creating a social and political situation with loud, vocal deriders claiming that these people are (all) leeches who could get by fine on their own, and any and all users of the systems become stigmatized. It happens with welfare, it happens with food banks, it happens with the LGBT community and supports therein, it happens with trans people and feminists and ethnic minorities; any group of any kind that is partially or wholly disadvantaged in some way, and which people seek to help out of that disadvantage by giving them focused support.
The stigma generally does not start because they are given help, but is deepened or shaped by it.
I wonder what that would be called? Perhaps the Ayn Rand Effect?
The stigma generally does not start because they are given help, but is deepened or shaped by it.
I wonder what that would be called? Perhaps the Ayn Rand Effect?
Thinking on this got me taking a second look at her philosophies. Some of it's quite sensible if I look at it to understand, rather than outright seeking conflict. I think I can see precisely what she's talking about and warrant her her insight on it, and then see exactly where she makes an oversimplification and calls something an absolute that isn't.
For instance the assertion that sex is "not possible in self-abasement". I read what she's describing about sex, and I know what she's talking about. To see in one's partner's surrender the glorification of one's identity... Suggesting then that I love and desire another person because they, as I understand them, are a complement to my own self-image; because taking them (and them in particular) as mine to please and please myself upon glorifies what I am. I don't actually have any objection to that; she's right, it does. But she stumbles, I think, it defining that as "Sex". It is Ideal and Idealized Sex, as she sees it, and I do not disagree, but it's only one subset of the many possible acts called sex. Sex IS possible in self-abasement. She talks about that as well, and in so doing contradicts herself; but only because she has stooped to making a battle cry of an oversimplified absolute statement and an emotional trope, because one cannot easily make battle cries of the complicated, grey-shaded and fiddly truth. Amusingly, if I am reading this right, that act is against her own philosophy, but nevertheless a mistake she is frequently prone to.
That and a tendency to really overblown patriotism, and perhaps a blindness to downsides of decisions and ideals that she cares for strongly. Common problem, that. Significantly worse problem for a philosopher than a member of the general populace to have. More damaging there. Ah, but of course she speaks of her vision of Idealized America, just as she speaks of Idealized sex. Its victories, without its failures, as though those could be separated and held in different histories. Disregarding the times, and the frequency of the times, that it has failed to live up to its own ostensible vision, and to uphold its own ostensible values. Or indeed, the places where its apparent victories were attributed to glorious virtue, but were as much the result of, for instance, oppression and literal slavery.
Ha. I feel like doing a bit of my own political-sounding speechifying, so I will:
That and a tendency to really overblown patriotism, and perhaps a blindness to downsides of decisions and ideals that she cares for strongly. Common problem, that. Significantly worse problem for a philosopher than a member of the general populace to have. More damaging there. Ah, but of course she speaks of her vision of Idealized America, just as she speaks of Idealized sex. Its victories, without its failures, as though those could be separated and held in different histories. Disregarding the times, and the frequency of the times, that it has failed to live up to its own ostensible vision, and to uphold its own ostensible values. Or indeed, the places where its apparent victories were attributed to glorious virtue, but were as much the result of, for instance, oppression and literal slavery.
Ha. I feel like doing a bit of my own political-sounding speechifying, so I will:
"I disagree with her. Altruism and selfishness, for all that they seem often to pull in opposite directions, are not enemies and are not mutually incompatible any more than the expansion and the contraction of a person's beating heart are enemies and mutually incompatible. They can be balanced. Indeed, they must be balanced, or the individual quickly collapses and dies.What brought all this on?
I believe that it IS possible to construct a society in which there is a bottom absolute limit, a floor, to how far a person's wealth and quality of life is allowed to fall, but with no corresponding absolute limit to how high it may rise; if only it were to be agreed that this state is desirable, and to then construct it with this goal in mind.
I believe that giving to others and keeping for oneself are both forces that belong in every life, are both sources of happiness and joy, and that they complement one another as such. To find a healthy balance between them is one of the necessary steps to create a happy and purposeful life, without resentment or hate or shame."
Well, the study of and comments on Ayn Rand were of course off of the thought that her name and reputation might fit the effect I was describing, and the thoughts on that effect are a repetition of something I find myself mulling over from time to time. In this case, it was all prompted, somewhat indirectly, by a SciShow video on the Taboos of Science. In the comments, biological and formative differences between different ethnicities and sexes was a (fairly obvious) subject discussed as a taboo of science, as it has become faux pas to admit or suggest that there are meaningful and significant differences there due to some irritating exaggerations associated with the equality movements.
There was also mention of the classification of gender dysphoria as a disease, which got me thinking about the way some people question the existence or legitimacy of trans people and also sufferers of things like Aspergers and Bipolar Disorder, and on from there to an old recurring series of thoughts on how youth who are acting destructively or poorly are frequently dismissed as "just seeking attention," as though seeking attention when one is lonely, hurt, or confused and facing something they don't know how to solve is inherently wrong and shameful, which is obvious bullshit. While acting out destructively is not an acceptable means to it (albeit sometimes true that suffering people do not know how to ask directly), seeking attention should not be seen as a wrong. The "just seeking attention" tends to imply lying and making up ailments or exaggerating them in order to get the attention that may actually BE needed.
Admittedly this actually does happen a fair bit because lesser problems or less severe cases of problems are often dismissed, mocked or ignored, making exaggeration sometimes (tragically and socially destructively) necessary to get help of any kind. And then those who do truly suffer from the ailments most often used as excuses suffer further from stigmatization and an impression that their ailment does not exist because the false complainers reflect badly on them. That's an example of the broad effect I was talking about, which I think also holds true in this broader sense.
That's what brought this on.
That's what brought this on.
Monday, May 30, 2016
What Happened to Treeplanting
It occurs to me that I should perhaps say a little of why I am back in London in late May, rather than August, and what happened to tree planting in North Ontario for the summer, and even why I have been spending my days at the college, for people who might read this blog who don't hear from me in other ways, and would otherwise not know.
To put it shortly, I did go to work for Treeline. I lived and worked just under three weeks in the bush camp and nearby blocks, learning how to plant trees, and doing it. After those three weeks, I still wasn't making more than $28 on most days, and I had to pay camp costs of $25 per day. I was making enough for that, reliably, but not enough to make a significant actual profit.
And I might have stayed anyway, and not minded, because $3 per day is still profit, and I was paying my "rent" and food, and the work was definitely doing some good for my fitness, and the community and the experience were challenging in a way that I knew was doing me good in other ways.
Then someone told me that soon, the camp leader would be asking the foremen to talk to their planters who were still only making $28 on some days and try to push them up to making more quickly, within the coming week or so, or encourage them to leave. It seems there would be some questionable legality to hiring someone who is only making $3 a day to take home. It might have caused trouble with slave labour laws. That made me feel unwelcome. I also didn't think I'd be able to bump my production up enough within a week, but the main thing was that it made me feel unwelcome, like the friendly acceptance I'd been greeted with and shown without fail was conditional, and that made every hardship seem suddenly much, much less worth enduring gracefully. Suddenly, the wonderful thing that gave me the strength to be okay with so many bad things was broken and crippled.
For the next day and a half of work, the only pleasant thought I could hold in my mind was quitting. So I quit. Then I came home.
The coffee shop whose wifi I am using will close soon, so I might write the rest of this tomorrow.
To put it shortly, I did go to work for Treeline. I lived and worked just under three weeks in the bush camp and nearby blocks, learning how to plant trees, and doing it. After those three weeks, I still wasn't making more than $28 on most days, and I had to pay camp costs of $25 per day. I was making enough for that, reliably, but not enough to make a significant actual profit.
And I might have stayed anyway, and not minded, because $3 per day is still profit, and I was paying my "rent" and food, and the work was definitely doing some good for my fitness, and the community and the experience were challenging in a way that I knew was doing me good in other ways.
Then someone told me that soon, the camp leader would be asking the foremen to talk to their planters who were still only making $28 on some days and try to push them up to making more quickly, within the coming week or so, or encourage them to leave. It seems there would be some questionable legality to hiring someone who is only making $3 a day to take home. It might have caused trouble with slave labour laws. That made me feel unwelcome. I also didn't think I'd be able to bump my production up enough within a week, but the main thing was that it made me feel unwelcome, like the friendly acceptance I'd been greeted with and shown without fail was conditional, and that made every hardship seem suddenly much, much less worth enduring gracefully. Suddenly, the wonderful thing that gave me the strength to be okay with so many bad things was broken and crippled.
For the next day and a half of work, the only pleasant thought I could hold in my mind was quitting. So I quit. Then I came home.
The coffee shop whose wifi I am using will close soon, so I might write the rest of this tomorrow.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Less Boring
You know...
Let's give this a second, shall we?
You know, yesterday, I saw a bible thumper's recruitment card, and a plastic coin with a bible quote on it, and a pamphlet, all tucked into street posts and such things on my way in to school, and I tore the card in half, and collected the coin and the the pamphlet and put them in the garbage and the recycling bin, respectively. I had read the first side of the card, and half of the second side, and both sides of the coin because the writing was so short it would be hard not to, and the first few pages of the pamphlet, just to give whoever had written it a chance. I don't think I need to say anything about what was written on them, because there was nothing the least bit surprising about any of it, if you have seen such items before.
And I found myself thinking, I admit rather bitterly, that maybe if for once they said something simple instead of trying to play really insultingly obvious manipulative games by trying to dangle mysterious wisdom at you, maybe if they just said, "At 123 Somewhere St, at 6-9 PM on May 29th, we are going to talk about God. All comers welcome, any faith or none." Maybe that would be intriguing. Maybe that would be a good way to actually start a conversation about something interesting and complex like God. It would have gotten MY attention.
I think even people who are not very analytical, in my generation, are dead sick of being patronized to by people who think they are older and wiser, or think they are representing something older and wiser.
I find it disappointing that so few people seem to reach the conclusion that in order to actually catch the interest of people in my generation, even the ones who aren't very analytical, the best strategy would be to look at your intended invitation, and try to see it through someone else's eyes, and try to identify anything that sounded the slightest bit like manipulation or patronizing, and remove it. To try to figure out what you actually wanted from people, and then try to figure out how to ask them for it so frankly and honestly that they would at least be surprised, which makes people THINK, and might even believe it was honest.
And then it occurred to me that while that probably was the best way to start a conversation about God or anything similarly divisive, if you used an honest hook to get people in the door, those people would probably only leave if you started trying to preach to them; if the meeting itself didn't match the frank honesty of the invitation. Then you would have only hurt the chances of the next person who tried to catch those same peoples' attention by being so frank and honest it might surprise them. Because then, they would have already seen that trick before.
So maybe it's for the best that people who don't know how not to patronize in predictable, annoying patterns don't know how not to patronize even for long enough to try to get your attention.
Someone on the internet got my attention today. They posted a chest-high text wall of complete and undisguised gobbledygook as a blog comment in a place that already inspired thought, and that was a surprising, interesting thing to do. It hadn't been removed by the owner of the blog, and that was also surprising and interesting. And the username that posted that comment had an embedded link to somewhere else, somewhere where another message was written, that wasn't gobbledygook, and wasn't obviously manipulative.
So I say to this unknown person: I don't trust you, but you have my attention. What would you like to do with it?
Let's give this a second, shall we?
You know, yesterday, I saw a bible thumper's recruitment card, and a plastic coin with a bible quote on it, and a pamphlet, all tucked into street posts and such things on my way in to school, and I tore the card in half, and collected the coin and the the pamphlet and put them in the garbage and the recycling bin, respectively. I had read the first side of the card, and half of the second side, and both sides of the coin because the writing was so short it would be hard not to, and the first few pages of the pamphlet, just to give whoever had written it a chance. I don't think I need to say anything about what was written on them, because there was nothing the least bit surprising about any of it, if you have seen such items before.
And I found myself thinking, I admit rather bitterly, that maybe if for once they said something simple instead of trying to play really insultingly obvious manipulative games by trying to dangle mysterious wisdom at you, maybe if they just said, "At 123 Somewhere St, at 6-9 PM on May 29th, we are going to talk about God. All comers welcome, any faith or none." Maybe that would be intriguing. Maybe that would be a good way to actually start a conversation about something interesting and complex like God. It would have gotten MY attention.
I think even people who are not very analytical, in my generation, are dead sick of being patronized to by people who think they are older and wiser, or think they are representing something older and wiser.
I find it disappointing that so few people seem to reach the conclusion that in order to actually catch the interest of people in my generation, even the ones who aren't very analytical, the best strategy would be to look at your intended invitation, and try to see it through someone else's eyes, and try to identify anything that sounded the slightest bit like manipulation or patronizing, and remove it. To try to figure out what you actually wanted from people, and then try to figure out how to ask them for it so frankly and honestly that they would at least be surprised, which makes people THINK, and might even believe it was honest.
And then it occurred to me that while that probably was the best way to start a conversation about God or anything similarly divisive, if you used an honest hook to get people in the door, those people would probably only leave if you started trying to preach to them; if the meeting itself didn't match the frank honesty of the invitation. Then you would have only hurt the chances of the next person who tried to catch those same peoples' attention by being so frank and honest it might surprise them. Because then, they would have already seen that trick before.
So maybe it's for the best that people who don't know how not to patronize in predictable, annoying patterns don't know how not to patronize even for long enough to try to get your attention.
Someone on the internet got my attention today. They posted a chest-high text wall of complete and undisguised gobbledygook as a blog comment in a place that already inspired thought, and that was a surprising, interesting thing to do. It hadn't been removed by the owner of the blog, and that was also surprising and interesting. And the username that posted that comment had an embedded link to somewhere else, somewhere where another message was written, that wasn't gobbledygook, and wasn't obviously manipulative.
So I say to this unknown person: I don't trust you, but you have my attention. What would you like to do with it?
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
After the First Year of College
Written last week, uploaded today.
I deliberately came to the laundromat hungry, planning to grab a $6 pad thai from the Vietnamese grill next door... But for some reason they're closed. The paper sign still says "Come in We're Open" and there's no notice anywhere about not being open Mondays or for this Monday in particular that I can see, but nevertheless, it's closed. Well, that's annoying. I could eat at another nearby restaurant, but I really wanted a pad thai. I guess I'll write a bit instead.
So the school term is over (sorry I didn't blog during school). I wrote my last exam this morning at 8 AM. I confess, I didn't study and kind of half assed it. There were a couple of things on the exam I honestly didn't know, so I just wrote my best guesses. In my defense... Unless my expectations of how much effort it takes me to succeed academically are way off, I'll be passing the course in the highest bracket (A+) anyway. I calculated how well I had to do on my final exams ahead of time so that I'd know how much effort to put in... And in the college's system, there's no difference, no reward or consequence, for getting a 95 or even a 100 instead of a 90. I'm a little sad about that... But also willing to take advantage of it to do less work here at the end of term when I'm feeling burnt out and don't want to study. Well, if it makes no difference to my college standing, then the only reason it would make a difference is if I'm actually learning something useful from reading the material. Sometimes I am; this Ethics course has had some good writings in the textbook. I've always found it hard to motivate myself to do something effortful for only my own benefit, though.
The term has gone well. The last month of it I was constantly working on some form of group presentation assignment, though. That was frustrating. Trying to co-ordinate with other students is harder than just doing the entire assignment myself and according to my own understanding and vision. Other people... Either you have to put effort into finding them something to do, or you have to compromise with them.
Aside from school, I've really been lazing at home a lot, and socializing with my close friends. My sleep patterns are all messed up and I really don't want to work out at the gym anymore... After a really awkward bad day when I got rain-soaked, took time to shower at home to be in a better condition to train and showed up for an appointment late... and was only told then that they didn't serve late appointment arrivals. I wish it was only reluctance to exercise that kept me from the place. I was doing a reasonably good job of overcoming that, when I liked the place and the people.
Of course, most of it is just a sort of lazy, brain dead feeling. I'm procrastinating on all sorts of other things at home, including trying pitching my new tent to make sure I know how to do it before I get to the base camp for my summer job planting trees... I'm looking forward to it with some dread. I'm not sure I'll have the resilience to get through the season intact rather than giving up. I'm determined to try, though. It's hard to even see it as real right now.
At least I'm getting my laundry done right now. That's one item on which I've defeated procrastination - for the moment. And hey, I'm blogging. That's cool, right?
My girlfriends invited me to visit them in St. Thomas... But I've been feeling disconnected from them recently. We haven't spoken much in a while, and the rare times we have, my tiredness and a bit of friction with their attitudes led to it not being much fun. We didn't fight; just all got kind of tired and bored and wandered off because we, well, literally weren't having much fun. Another time, maybe. I hope so, but I fear the worst.
Oh, I broke up with my boyfriend by the way. We were just falling apart. It's a pity. There's good in him... But I was too desperate when this whole thing started, and overlooked the problems. I see that now. It's probably also been contributing to my loneliness. For now, we seem to alternate between awkward cold-shoulderedness in which we don't enjoy tolerating one anothers' flaws and presence and amiable friendliness when that's not a present concern. We can still hug and have good conversations sometimes. Pointlessly bitter arguments other times. We're both looking forward to being apart, in a way. I think it still hurts my heart a bit that it didn't work out, but I can see why at least. Perhaps we'll get along better when we don't live together anymore, or after he hasn't seen me for a long time. Maybe that will make it easier for him not to assume that I'm still the way I used to be. A lot has changed, and a lot of his beefs about me are residual from elements and habits I'm trying to leave in the past and grow out of, but they still taint his opinion of me. Inevitable, I guess.
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