Disappointment

I had been hoping that one of my next blog entries would be happily telling you, my valued readers, that our application for our new apartment/house/home... I'm not sure what we should call it, since it's kind of a weird building... was approved, and we will be moving within the month away from this terrible, oppressive place.

I cannot. Our application was denied. The nice lady who showed us around explained to my boyfriend over the phone that they've gotten some requests to use the building as office space and as such, the price has been increased by $150 per month. In accordance with some kind of zoning policy, I presume, since it would no longer be "residential". The thing is... it had been zoned as shopfront for a long time, and didn't sell. Apparently the same place has been on the market for about a year, albeit under different conditions.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore to me.

I haven't been exercising consciously at all anymore. It is a thing which has stopped happening. I've been spending more of my time socializing, on an IRC full of generally closer to like-minded individuals, and I've made some new friends. One of whom seemed really nice and even made a request that I tell him if he ever, figuratively speaking, missteps on my toes, along with a promise to bear it in mind and try to make right on his mistakes... since he knows making one now and then is unavoidable. He managed not to offend me at all the first time I spoke to him. The second time, he said something which, unintentionally, caused me some offense. It was a thing about different play styles in roleplaying games, about resource management bogging down a perfectly good game (I tend to put some focus on it in my cavern game, since it's an important part of struggling to survive, which is kind of the premise). It was a minor offense, but me being me, I find it kind of hard to get past minor offenses sometimes. I told him how I felt about it... and was, in effect, dismissed as an accusatory and ridiculously oversensitive bitch who was making a big deal over nothing and was convinced he was a hateful person.

This isn't related, of course, it just fits in with the general theme of my life for the past 24 hours... profound, hideous, heartbreaking disappointment, after I'd allowed myself to get my hopes up. Again. How much harder will it be to avoid convincing myself there's no point in trying, next time? I don't know. For now...

I've mostly gotten over the liar crush from IRC, but the house is a much bigger problem. I feel trapped here. I would say that I feel like the walls are closing in on me, but I don't. I looked at the walls practically asking them to, and they refused. They just stood there being walls and mocking me for the cowardice that traps me within them. It's not their fault, they seemed to want to remind me. They even have a nice high ceiling to create the illusion of greater freedom and openness, specifically, it almost seems, so that I can't be intimidated and cramped by its closeness. Nevertheless, I hate this room. I hate this apartment. I hate the mess and most of all I hate the evil Old Man that I've become so afraid and disgusted with that whenever I'm in the kitchen/livingroom area and he walks in, my gut tightens, my shoulders stiffen, and I just wish fervently for him not to try to talk to me (not that he ever does) and to please, please, just hurry up and go away. He can probably tell. It's hardly as though I'm taking any particular measure to be subtle about the vibes I'm putting off. And when he talks, even if it's just to my boyfriend while I'm in the room, I want to tear him apart.

He posted a list of unreasonable, stupid "Normal" house rules, including not using the stove after 7 PM and not eating after 10 PM, until breakfast, that even my boyfriend is afraid to break, now, because he claims that us moving around and running water to clean dishes kept waking him up.

The other morning, between 5 and 6 in the morning, he came and actually knocked on our door. I don't remember what it was he wanted, my boyfriend sorted it out. Apparently he was confused by something, probably a setting of the new television he bought recently, and needed help figuring it out. It doesn't matter to me. What I do remember, and what does matter, was the sinking feeling of dread and anger, as I realized that by knocking on the bedroom door, he had forced his presence into my awareness even when I was safe in my room. I couldn't be free from him even if I never left my, our, my boyfriend's and mine, so our, bedroom, the place which was safe... because it's where he doesn't go. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for him to take that security away from me by doing something as simple as knocking on our door. At a time when "Normal" people would probably not be assumed to be awake. I can't help but feel that this is a terrible form of hypocrisy. He hasn't exactly broken his own rules, but his complaint was that we had been accidentally waking him up at times when it was reasonable for him to be sleeping. ... And this seems like behavior that would accomplish the same on purpose.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I guess we'll look into other available places around town. Or rather, my boyfriend will. As for me, I'll more likely retreat further into the internet in an effort not to face my despair, and rot for another couple of weeks.

If there is a change of plans in that regard, I'll let you guys know.