My new roommates have all moved in. I did a moderately ambitious little sewing project, replacing patches of a worn-out pair of jeans, and then re-sewing a seam that came undone. I've unpacked a little more. I've cleaned my room. I finally got around to sitting down with Coda to have a good long chat about all manner of things. We wound up talking about religion a fair bit.
Probably the most notable event of the past few days... I made and attended an appointment at the wellness center, the gym at the school. It included a sort of electric scan to determine my body composition, and being shown how to adjust and use five of the different kind of exercise machines safely and do two other exercises without machines. I have a workout to do, aiming for three times a week or every second day. It was a significant step outside my usual comfort zone, in all honesty.
I returned the next day, listening to Welcome to Night Vale again. It'd been a while, I've been pursuing other podcasts and audiobooks more lately. I hadn't planned or expected it, but I wound up listening to the first part of the podcast that had been recorded as a live show. Episode 49, divided into parts A and B because it was quite a long show. It was pretty cool. But... I wasn't prepared for the first repeated Weather they've ever done.
It put me in a state of consternation, that special unique feeling that a joke that I thought was over has had another punchline, and it's kind of funny and kind of annoying that it's just not over, because the joke is on me. Of course, the one song that would have to be brought back up, out of 48 that had gone before, and for that matter the plethora of new songs to choose from. It would be the one that I added to my mp3 player and associated with Eoin, wouldn't it? I stood for a while, staring out the window while a live version of the song played in my ears, feeling emotions. Some frustration, and some of a special sad/manic feeling of wanting to either cry or laugh. But gently. It did not overwhelm me. I stood and felt it, and appreciated the way this moment communicated the ongoing drama of my love story. I was a little impatient, a little annoyed... But had no inclination to deny that it was poignant and, in a way, appropriate.
I finished my work out and left the gym, taking a walk to let my thoughts wheel and my body cool down. There was one exercise I didn't finish full sets for, but I stand by the decision. It was becoming too difficult, and it will be better for me to stop early than risk burning out my muscles or my emotional capacity to endure stressing them.
I know what my priorities are on this fitness venture: to try to make exercise more regular and more comfortable for me. To learn to enjoy going to the gym and working out, to get past any lingering feeling of reluctance to do so. That means taking care not to push myself too hard, and erring on the side of stopping early rather than too late so that I don't give myself any reason not to want to come back next time. It's tempting to beast through hardship, but I know that is not sustainable, and this try is all about sustainable.
Success will be enjoying myself, and a couple particular benefits of working out that I look forward to: Sleeping better at night, and feeling more alert while awake. Any weight loss or muscle gain can come second to that energy and restfulness. They will come, if I keep going. I know they will. But slowly.
I have found that in this few days, I think of you less, Eoin. I still think of you, but it doesn't consume as much of my mind. I have mixed feelings about this. I think it's probably a good sign that I am rebalancing my life, able to live more independently, look to my own happiness. I feel so many conflicting things that the net result is mainly tension. I feel as though I may not be okay with everything I feel, and I suspect I am on some level avoiding looking at it.
On the other hand... All this rebalancing, all my determination to have myself a good winter term and keep myself mentally, emotionally, and even physically healthy... Ironically, it comes down in part to that point of not wanting you to feel as though I am spending, or have spent, all my time pining after you in despair and heartbreak. I am making sure I'm doing alright, and to some significant degree, it's because I'm sure it's what you would want me to do, and I don't want you to end up feeling guilty about how things have gone. Isn't that funny?
While I was contemplating my feelings about this, walking by myself, I came back to this: I am still planning to come after you. That it takes up less of my time in obsession does not mean it has become unimportant to me. I still love you. It's haunting me less. That's bound to be a good thing, for now.
The fog is back, and much deeper than it was before. The foggiest day I had ever personally seen in January has already been bested. If not for the clear and familiar roads, I could have gotten lost in it.
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