Decline

I have been putting off my exercises... Today, I did some... Though not well. I seem to have hit a wall with planking - the last three times I've done it, I gave out at almost exactly one minute and 24 seconds... I guess this is my barrier point, at this time.

But then... Today, everything seemed harder. It could be that the time off and the guilt about it have made me dread it. It could be that I asked my boyfriend to come and provide support and he didn't. It could be that it's late and I'm tired. Or perhaps all of the above. I did most of my pledged routine, but found crunches harder than usual, and leg lifts, oddly, easier. I may have been counting faster. I don't know. I kept momentarily losing track of the numbers, as though they'd scattered before my mind and I had to make a focused effort to remember them again. Nine in a row... that's a new record, if I did manage the counts properly. I think possibly it's got something to do with the way I'm holding my arms, locking my knees and clenching my midsection now.

I don't feel achieved, and I don't feel healthy. I feel weak, and depressed. I felt so bad after this excuse for a workout that I couldn't talk to my boyfriend when I came back to our room, could only gesture and make plaintive noises because I didn't want him to touch me and couldn't answer what was wrong, and he just wouldn't seem to stop trying to touch me and repeatedly ask the infuriatingly unanswerable question anyway.

From certain angles and poses, my abdomen feels kind of numb, like it's full of static. Some people on Fitocracy are trying to encourage me onwards, reminding me that whatever you're doing, it hurts less the more you do it. I don't feel capable of answering them. I don't think I'm willing to hold out until this is giving me significant help. It's too hard, and it's painful and depressing, like damn near everything else.

You know... I think I might have failed to take my pills one day too many this week. And certainly not at a reliable time. Sigh... I haven't stopped, though, which is something... I am actually doing it, still, just not doing it reliably or well.

So I guess this is a step in the right direction, as much as it doesn't, at the moment, feel like one.