Today, I went for two long walks. A total of about 11 km. A total of almost three hours. One at evening, one in the middle of the night. I was stopped by a cop car on my way back on the second walk, which startled me a bit. Officer Question Mark asked me my name, which made me feel suspicious, and whether I was out doing anything I shouldn't be, which didn't. Apparently my answers satisfied him, because he left, still quite friendly, without much fuss.
Less than ten minutes later, a cabbie pulled over and asked if I was alright, too, amusingly.
But now I feel shaken. I keep imagining a conversation with the policeman, things I might have said, things I might like to say, about why I feel nervous talking to a man with a badge. Things about the protesters in the states, at Wall Street, at the University of California... nearer by, in Toronto... And the more I think about it, the more I seize up. I shake, I start to cry. There is so much I'd like to say, that I'm afraid to - not that I think these neighborhood cops, or this one in particular, is like that, just... just, the only thing I know for sure about them and about the ones from the stories and videos, is that they share the mark of authority, the badge. And I don't know.
Human beings need each other. We are not machines, as much as industry leaders might want us to be.
Human beings can exist and survive without houses, without electricity, without medicine or guns or modern plumbing, in very harsh conditions. We're amazingly resilient sometimes, really.
But I'm not sure human beings can survive without being able to trust each other.
This is not the first time since I started my workout that I've been afraid I might honestly not be able to convince myself to continue... But it's the first time I've felt something that I thought might be the thing to prevent me. I am again reminded of some of the things I'd like to do... some of the changes I'd like to make... some of the talking and standing up, and yes, protest, I'd like to take part in... And I'm reminded of what made me stop thinking about it last time.
I am terrified, paranoid. I don't think anyone is watching me, specifically, but I think if I started to do what I want to do, they might. And the helplessness, the fear... this paranoia, a feeling that even if I do become strong enough to be healthy... I may never be strong enough to be confident of my survival should I step into the place where trouble is... this, more than anything else... This, is what always stops me.
I feel so afraid, thinking about it, so helpless... I'm not sure I can do anything but sit here, stunned. I'm not sure I can find the courage for my workout tomorrow. How? In the face of this... can I ever feel brave? How can I feel strong, and use my strength, when I feel so weak? But I guess I'll find out, tomorrow.
