I'm starting to suspect I was one of those kids who was bright enough to make it through high school and mostly excel without having to do much work. I felt most inspired when my own thoughts took the subject matter and extrapolated it to other thoughts and ideas: When we touched on black holes among star types in grade 10 science, I got thinking about the Big Crush Theory before I remember hearing about it. After brief mention of the binary system, I ended up contemplating that there was a lot of philosophical truth in the system of unity, Base One, absolutely useless for measuring or comparing, but what seemed to be a mathematical basis for the ancient spiritual thought that all is one and all is none, or nothing, or nothing to count, at least, when you transcend differences.
If, then, I'm right, I never really learned much work ethic, and I find myself at once certain that I have much to contribute and afraid that I don't. I fluctuate between feeling ashamed of my laziness and fear, my paralysis of uncertainty about what to do now and how to do it, and proud, indeed arrogant, at my brightness. I show off reflexively, but have a very hard time weathering frustration long enough to accomplish things that are difficult. I'm not sure where to go from here. I want help learning how to learn the way other people, to whom school didn't come so easily, did... But deeper than that, I want to be a miracle child to whom everything comes easily. I'm guessing that's what I'll really have to let go of before I can join in the culture party, and really use the brightness I know I do have to do something useful, something wonderful. But then the question is... How?
Can I do it on my own?
...Do I have to?
I'm kind of alienated from my blood family at this point, with few resources to make use of, and even less experience struggling until I am victorious without giving up and coming back to nothing. How do I fight my own arrogant need to be perfect? Can I ever leave it behind?
Even now I suspect my difficulties with relationships follow many of the patterns of Rimm's too-Dominant child. There is no question over conforming or not. I don't see conformity as a virtue at all, and often struggle to see the good in the legacy of civilization (though sometimes I do wonder at it in admiring ways rather than appalled ones). I have never gone to college or university, largely because everyone seemed to expect me to, but also partly because I have had so many areas of fascination that it was hard to think of how I might choose something specific to study. At this point, the choice is somewhat more clear - psychology, especially the psychology of language and how we say things we don't know we're saying, different levels of self-awareness, have always fascinated me and been things I already think a lot about.
I find it hard to hear criticism. I sulk reflexively and sometimes even physically retreat from it, even... especially... when I know it's justified. I genuinely do value the honesty when people tell me things I get defensive about hearing, but I don't know how to change my behavior.
Someone I spoke with only briefly recently told me that my desperate reaching out for love was almost tangible, and I am consciously aware (although not always) that I want discipline, too. I want a do-over. I want someone to treat me just like what I am - a very bright, perhaps even talented, but not very disciplined, 22 year old child. I want to be parented, but I suspect no-one out there has the patience to deal with my passive-aggressive tantrums and panic attacks, my cravings for praise when I face my fears even in ways that may be hard to see; When I make an effort. I want to find the ability to persevere. I don't think I have it yet. I want help.
Who can help me?
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