The Sweet Delays

My training with the new company has been delayed a week, unfortunately. I suppose this gives me more time to practice my script, but I am disappointed and restless. I was ready, and am. I want to start NOW!

I went to see my ex and his girlfriend in hospital after she damaged her leg slipping on the ice. It was nice to see her again. We've only really met once before. In the hospital waiting room, the two of us together softly sung a single chorus of Mordred's Lullaby. We sing beautifully together, and I hope that we will do it more in the future. It was a magnificent moment. She turned to me with bright eyes and a grin and said, "So, you're a Heather Dale fan, are you?" Someone she works with mistook us for sisters.

It should say a great deal, I hope, to forgiveness and peace, that I and the present girlfriend of my ex, who is part of the reason he is my ex, do such things.

I also went out intending to buy notebooks, which I did, and highlighters, which I could not find in the dollar store, and a city transit map, which I did not buy because the line at the transit office was so long. And because I was already starting to have a panic attack.

Now facing the real prospect of a job I can, and will, excell at, even though I have not started yet... I think forward, to costume design, and street theatre, and activism. Once I can afford it, I will participate. I have been thinking brave and beautiful thoughts along those lines of late.

And... I found myself back at torture and thick in the panic of fear, of dread, to the point that I started to feel physically ill, and clung to the most peaceful and comforting and nonaggressive songs I could find on the iPod to bear it out. I stopped at Goodwill on my way home, still in that panic, thinking to talk to the awesome, sweet geeky young lady receptionist who has often cheered me up, though never out of something like this before... and ask if there was a quiet place I could cry and curl up and someone I could talk to. Several times I almost bailed, choked out an "um" to beg her not to call any particular attention to my need or make exception, or to take anyone away from potentially important work to see me.

I ended up talking to her in an empty office for I'm not sure how long... perhaps half an hour, perhaps more, spilling my terrible difficulty: "you know... don't think of a pink elephant? ... Don't think, try really really hard not to think of... pushpins. Or better, paper clips. And the remarkable depths of human ingenuity. ...And police brutality. And the fact that apparently masked protest is illegal in this country."

Knowing I will soon be able to afford to build costumes, schedule time on activities without my continued involvement in them hinging on whether I find a job that needs that time slot at some point... The risks of what I know I will do, what I know I will nerve myself to do, what I dream of doing, what I will condemn myself for a coward if I do not do... It all comes much more real, and I'm sure it will come much more real yet.

I will cry beforehand so that I can keep my eyes and my mind clear and alert and ready when vital moments come.
I will get my flinching done ahead of the act.
Or after it, I can curl up and weep.
Anytime but during.
Of course, I will strive to do so in the safest and most harmless of ways that can still have dramatic effect, and with all due caution. I only fear for that even the most peaceful of dissent can and certainly will be criminalized in worst case scenarios. For which I absolutely must be prepared.

Prepare for the worst.
Strive for the best.
Expect the most likely, but prepare to be surprised.

The time talking to my friend the receptionist greatly helped me. The fact that I was able to approach her and ask for the moment of help, and follow through, in a public setting, is a definite mark of progress. Overall... today has been a very good, empowering day.
Be proud of me.

I don't think I feel happy.
I feel... like a weak and struggling creature. Growing slightly less weak.
I feel wholesome. I do not feel victorious, but I do feel brave, albeit terribly frightened. I feel resolved, and open, and I feel I have allies.
I feel comforted.
None of these things are happiness. But they are good things.

A Perfect Day

Someone decided on me that today was going to be a perfect day.

I got an email that tells me my potential employment process with another promising company is moving forward, though this time I'm not going to tell you readers which one. I have been welcomed to the team. I don't consider myself to have the job yet... not until I'm all the way through training and signed up. But now I have some confidence it will happen.

I made a big pot of soup which I am calling "Green Soup". Two packages of chicken noodle soup, a stalk of broccolli, two huge carrots, three onions, a couple handfuls of frozen mixed vegetables and a substantial bunch of spinach, brewed up in the pot with salt and pepper and oregano. I didn't expect it to mellow out so nicely, I expected that the huge mass of vegetables would make it either bland or bitter, but it seems like I got it to work out.

I'm listening to Jethro Tull for the first time in half a year, and sharing some old, old stories of my life with my Pup, who I am now calling Whelp, and emoting tickle-attacking him. Earlier, I watched a bunch of the 40K Rejects series by miniwargaming, after being so cracked up by the Whelp's impression of Sgt. Slaughter that I had to hear it for myself.

And walking home, some black guy I'd never met and I shared an amusing moment of conversation, starting with my giving him an amused look for singing along with Bruno Mars's Lazy Song which was playing in a restaurant we were both passing. He offered me a bus ticket, or rather, asked if he could get rid of it by giving it to me. He observed that I sounded authoritative when I told him, "Don't need it, got a bus pass. Thanks, though." I said I was just watching videos of a sargeant shouting at his recruits, so maybe that was it, and even dared to try my own impression, "MUH-REENS! CLEEN YUH SHOOWZ!" Came out well, and he did an exaggerated march for a few steps, playing along, before we parted ways.

Earlier this morning, I helped a friend of mine to feel better despite the heavy grief of losing a family member... partly by telling a bad joke at a perfect moment.

And somehow... somehow... I don't even feel like something terrible now has to happen to make it all crash down.
It's got to be some sort of miracle.

Slogging Grinding Living

Yesterday...

I went to see my patron yesterday. When I finally got on the bus, having elected to learn the hard way where to catch it closer to home than I usually do, I sat next to a teenager with a bunch of My Little Pony... comic books, from the look of them (I didn't realize there were MLP comic books) and a BRONY hat. He was in his later teens, I'd guess, and he stood out a bit on the bus. I was impressed by his courage, wearing his fandom so openly on his sleeve, as it were, and so feeling it only appropriate I raised my hand to bro-hoof with him, and he responded in kind with a smile. Not a word was said.
Pup wasn't online when I went to the library for my hour and a half that allows me to use instant messengers, so I reconnected with a couple of other friends. I checked out Freecycle.org and ended up spending my evening going out to get some free clothes from a lady who, I presume, was clearing out her wardrobe. An undershirt (at least, that's how I'm wearing it), two button-up shirts, and a sweater that I wore home that evening, helping me endure the brisk cold under my jacket.
Thanks to my patron, I have a full pantry again and was able to relax on the way back home, listening to Muse and hoping I would be able to sleep well. I felt tired and grateful.

This morning...
(except from my diary)

I'm waiting to wake up one day and feel inspired rather than weary and tired... Feel ready for something, look forward to the day. It hasn't happened yet. Or rather, perhaps... I think there was once, maybe, a month or so ago? ...

Backslider!

I have not been getting much done. I'm surviving, mind, and surviving is good, but things are tight after the mild extravagance of last month and the false hope of that job interview and training day.

The laptop I was using at home, of Steven's, is horribly broken. The screen part snapped off, but I connected it to a CRTC monitor that was around the house (don't ask me why, I have no idea), and it turned out it still works. Now... something else has gone wrong. It's stuck in a boot cycle, but my friends think I should be able to save it again.

For the time, though... I am angry at myself because I think I should be prioritizing job search over spending time with the Pup, and I'm not - I find it hard to face the stab of guilt I feel every time I excuse myself from a chat with him to go address the real world in some way. It really keeps me back, and I grow to resent him over it a little bit for his sweet but wrenching expressions of disappointment every time I turn my back. Even though... I need to, if I am ever to be able to support him. It feels like I'm stabbing myself in the foot in order to keep walking. I suppose I could take the excuse that I'm staying around to give him company while his own computer's down, and I'll prioritize job search after it's fixed... I could do that. It... I'd be worried about OW nagging me, and I should still make some time to job search, though.

I feel accusatory at me. "Backslider! You took your access for granted. It is a power and a privilege - use it, don't hide in it and get nothing done. Serves you right losing your shield. Get to work now. Maybe silence will spur you to try - in which case, this should have happened long ago. Earn your rest. Get going, now! NOW!"

I do also feel kind of lean and hungry. Maybe because I am hungry. I'm getting tired of the poverty food that I have around to make myself. I've been subsisting largely on chicken soup with vegetables, which is no doubt healthy and honestly can be delicious, but I'd like some variety. That would be nice.

At the very least, it's spurred me to come back and blog to you from the library. Like old times at the shelter, right? Ha. Well. We'll see how things go. I'm developing a points system to gamify my job search. Get 10 points for responding to an online job ad... 100 for applying to an open position in person. Properly, introduce myself to the manager style. Because that is harder and more effective. Getting an interview will probably be worth 500. Check out the link by the way. Extra Credits is awesome.